Kankakee Valley Post, Volume 2, Number 42, DeMotte, Jasper County, 2 March 1933 — The Fable of Her Folks and His Folks [ARTICLE]

The Fable of Her Folks and His Folks

By GEORGE ADE

©, Bell Syndicate.--WNU Service. ONCE there was a man who had a wife and each of them had, as might have been feared, Relatives. The Man lived in a coming-Along Town and had an Income and knew how to put up a Front. He had made himself a Personage not to be sneezed at. The Missus knew how to Superintend a Home and regulate the two Olive Branches and wear Clothes and talk at Club Meetings, so that she could have been designated, without Exaggeration, as Some Punkins. Now, because Ralph and Jessie had both qualified for the Majors and were battling above .300 the Kin on both sides of the Fence paid them some Attention, often dropping in at the House to spend a few minutes and then hanging around for two or three days. It is a well-known Fact that when a Person gets married nowadays and later finds out that he has married Only One, it is almost a Miracle. If we were to omit from the Social Register the Names of those who become important by reason of Somebody Else, there would be many vacant Pages. Ralph didn’t like to open up on her Family and she would have preferred to spare his Feelings and not dig any Dirt regarding his low-down Connections, but sometimes Forbearance ceases to be convenient.

Passing the Icy Stare.

It was at Breakfast and Ralph just happened to ask, in a nice Way, if her Brother Lem, who was visiting them, had come up for Air. Lem had recently severed all connections with one of our leading Universities. He had been in such a Hurry to get an Education that he had not waited to take his Degree but had boarded a Train after learning practically all that there was to be learned, the Faculty concurring, heartily. Several of the learned Professions were bidding for his Services and in the meantime he was boarding with Sister because she set an awful good Table and the Rate was Nothing per week and he liked the large Guest Chamber and the kind of Cigarettes that Ralph smoked. Hubby precipitated the Armageddon by expressing Regret that he was compelled to hurry away to his Office, knowing, as he did, that it would be Etiquette for him to stick around until about 11:30 G. M. so as to take Breakfast with the Honored Guest. “If my Brother's Presence in this House is distasteful to you, I shall ask him to leave,” said Jessie, bestowing a frigid look on the Brute. “Not all,” he replied. “It wouldn’t seem like Home without him. Only, I am wondering if, when you accepted me, you were influenced by the Fact that practically Everything I wear will fit your Brother and often does.” “Lem is a Dear Boy,” said Jessie, with a tinge of Feeling. “It is a Pleasure to have Some One around this House who does not put in all of his Time hanging Crepe. And while you are panning my Kid Brother don’t forget that I had your Sister on my Hands for Six Weeks up in the Country last Summer and I’ll tell the squinteyed World it was Some Contract. I am not saying that Rowena is shy any Buttons or should he locked up, or anything like that, but I do know that anyone who goes blooey on Spiritualism and wants to turn down the Lights and pull a Seance every few Minutes is no Playmate for Yours Truly.” Homeless Skeleton With a Waist Line. “Speaking of Sisters,” said Ralph, pouring a third Cup of Coffee, “It is about time for Mirabelle to check in and give us a lot of trade. I long to have her tell me how she enjoys Concerts and the Opera. The mere Fact that she does not know the Difference between The Meistersinger and the Marx Brothers does not seem to cramp her Eloquence at all. I never have met Any One who could talk, at such great Length, on Topics of which she is totally in the Dark.” “Let us have an Understanding,” said Jessie, planting her Elbows on the Table. “If this is to be a Battle to a Finish, and we are going to permit hitting in the Clinches, I will call attention to the Fact that you have an Uncle Robert, from the West, who came as near as anyone could to making a Dump of our supposedly respectable Home. When I married you, Uncle was not in the Contract a’tall. He is, I take it, your Family Skeleton, although it is hard to think of a Skeleton weighing 220 Pounds. When the Saloons closed up he was left practically homeless. I like your Uncle Bob and will always try to make Things pleasant for him but I think It is only fair that you should notify me when he is coming, so that I can have a lot of Sawdust on the Floor.” "My uncle Robert comes of a fine old New England Family,” said Ralph. “His Progenitors were riding in Carriages when your Ancestors were coming across in the Steerage and living on Garlic. I will admit that he is the Custodian of a very tidy Thirst but, at least, when he drops in at the Office he is not going to try to sell me anything. If I were to choose, I believe I might prefer Relatives who were convivial to those who were On the Make?” “What do you mean, ‘on the make,’ ” demanded Jessie, a dangerous Look coming into her Eyes. “Are you re-

ferring to my Father letting you In on that Florida Deal?” It's Different Away From Home. "I'll permit you to get away with that ‘letting in’ Stuff, if you say it without Laughing. I don’t object to your Dad having lovely Dreams, but why should I be selected for the Honor of financing them?” “That Deal he put you in on will make all of you rich in time. He says so. At least, it won’t be any more of a Flop than financing your Aunt Emma’s Farm. Anyone who backs Aunt Emma as a Farm Manager is certainly due to have the Old Head examined.” By the time the Breakfast got good and cold, a Stranger might have figured that a Divorce was impending but here is what really happened. Along in the afternoon the one Woman to whom Jessie could unfold herself, viz. Mrs. Flitter, came in for a Shot of Orange Pekoe and got - the whole Yarn. “My husband is as smart as they turn them out and he is Self-Made,” she explained. “I don’t blame him for objecting to Lem coming here and sponging for Weeks at a time. The lazy Hulk ought to be doing something for himself. He certainly called the Turn on Mirabelle, too. She has listened to a couple of Lectures and now she’s got so much Culture it makes her stoop-shouldered to carry it around. As for Pa, he has some Good Points but I don’t believe he has any more business sense than a Rabbit. His Idea of being an important Figure in the World of Speculative Finance Is to borrow a lot of Money from Ralph. How true it is that you can order almost anything at a Store but you have to take your Relatives as you find them.” Almost at the same Hour there was a Meeting at the Club and Ralph was giving the Low Down and Inside to Walter Tillinghast. “I’ve got the Best Little Woman in the World,” said Ralph, “and I can’t blame her for being put out by some of the Things that happened to grow on our Family Tree. For instance, there’s Rowena. She’s gone plumb dippy on Psychic Phenomena. I don’t know of anything I wouldn’t rather have around the House than Psychic Phenomena. What’s more, Jessie is dead right.about Aunt Emma. If I had all the Coin I ever slipped to that Old Girl it would make a pretty penny. As for Uncle Bob, he really should be compelled to live in the Garage. Anything as woolly as he is should not be permitted in a Refined Home. I’m afraid my People have got on Jessie’s Nerves lately. Without making any Explanations, I think I’ll send her some Flowers.” At the Dinner Hour they were still cool and distant but she did quite a bit of Cooing around Brother Lem. MORAL: We are the Only Ones who have a right to open up on them.