Kankakee Valley Post, Volume 1, Number 18, DeMotte, Jasper County, 24 November 1932 — Fable of the Corrupting Influences [ARTICLE]

Fable of the Corrupting Influences

By GEORGE ADE

(©, Bell Syndicate.)--WNU Service. ONCE there was a tall-browed Sociologist, a Statistical Shark and a card-index Hound who wanted to find out why so many Mortals wander from the Straight and Narrow and run afoul of the Law. Instead of investigating the Miracle of Anyone complying with All of the 8,000 harsh, restrictive Measures passed by mushhead Legislators during the last Ten Years, he elected to prepare a wise Magazine Article and point out the particular and definite Causes of Delinquency. So he went to a Jail where a lot of hardened Offenders were caged up and proceeded to quiz them and get their Life Histories and find out why they had turned out to be Tough Nuts instead of respected Rotarians. In the first Call he came across a rather good-looking Young Chap who wore a Blue Sweater and was pulling at a loud-smelling Fag and seemed rather bored, not to say annoyed, to find himself under such unpleasant Duress. “What have they got on you?” asked the Scientific Researcher. “They say I’m a Stick-Up Guy and Hijacker, but I’ve been Framed,” was the courteous Reply, “Whenever anything rough is pulled the Bulls have to hang it on to some Patsy with a Record. I happened to come along and they pinched me.” Humble Beginnings. “I should like to inquire as to the Circumstances leading up to your present unhappy Predicament,” said the Investigator. “Tell me something about your Environment during the Formative Period.” “I came of an Outfit that was hardboiled,” replied the Juvenile Crook. “The Old Man was a Bar Fly and all the Training I ever got from him was to keep my Guard up and duck Right Hand Swings. Mother’s Conception of keeping House ’was to put Something on the Stove and let it boil for Hours and Hours while she read Love Stories to be continued in our Next. As you know, a Woman who is keeping Track of a dozen Serials dealing with the Divine Passion and the Eternal Triangle, cannot spare any Time for her Family. We lived in a Dump back of the Switch Yards. I did not see a Tree until I was Eight but I owned a pair of trained Dice when I was Six. No one ever gave me any Moral Guidance. “My first definite Ambition was to kill a Copper. The Drag Net Got me while I was in Grammar School and I learned in the Police Court that I was a Gangster. Since then I have been arrested every time I spit. Now I’m booked for a Stretch just because I went out for an Automobile Ride with some Buddies who had sawed-off Shotguns in the bottom of the Car, to be used in Case they were interfered with.”

“Exactly as I surmised,” said the Visitor. ‘You are the Innocent Victim of Heredity and Evil Influences. The only Reason our Malefactors want to Malefact is that they have been denied access to the ethical Refinements of Modern Civilization.” The next Inmate to claim the Attention of the Seeker after Truth needed only a Clean Shave and a White Tie to make him look like the Valedictorian at a first-rate Theological Seminary. It seems that he had been yanked up for Swindling, Forgery and Kiting Checks. He looked as honest as Henry Ford and his Blue Eye was very candid and the Investigator knew that here was a Bird who would have gone Straight if he had been given a Chance. The Big Reason. “Was your Male Parent a Soak or did he just go on a Bat once in a While?” asked thte Student of Criminology. “Father never put his Nose into anything harder than Buttermilk,” was the Reply. “He had Side-Whis-kers hanging straight down, passed the Contribution Basket and is said to have been the first Reformer to hit upon that Happy Expedient known as the Eighteenth Amendment.” “Then we must hang it all on your mother. To what kind of Frivolity was she addicted that she should have failed to keep Tab on the Offspring?” “You are not guessing well today. The dear old Matter lectured to Clubs on the Training of Youth. She came of a Massachusetts Family which smelled of Harvard for aver a Century. She and Dad were the intellectual Arc Lamps of the Town in which I was coached for the Ministry. They had me tutored so that I would not come in contact with the Foreign Spawn in the Public Schools. I was the Prize Exhibit of our Sunday School and sat in the Lap of every Prominent Lady in our State. It took them two Years to pick out a College good enough for me. I could show you my Phi Beta Kappa badge if I hadn’t hocked it in Omaha. “If you were given the Advantage of every sweet and uplifting Influence, I am at a Loss to understand why you turned out to be a Hotel Beat and floated Phoney Paper and now have seven or eight Aliases.” “If you won’t let it go any further; I will put you Hep,” said the Prisoner. “I needed the Money." When the Investigator tackled the next Case he was somewhat dazed. Imagine his Surprise when the Warden told him that the Maiden with the pensive Smile, the neat but elegant

Toggery and the simple Personality of a Quaker Milkmaid had done nothing whatever but bring out a large blue Cannon and proceed to bump off Friend Husband. By the Beautiful Sea. The Researcher told her that his Heart was bleeding because he could see that she never should have been incarcerated. “Possibly you had to shoot because he was brutal to the Children?” suggested the Visitor. “One cannot have Children without giving up One’s Afternoons,” was the Reply. “Besides, we lived in an Apartment.” “Did he ever drag you around by the Hair or put Black and Blue Marks on your Arms?” “I can’t be sure until I talk to my Lawyer again. He is working on my Story and says that if we get an emotional Jury of confirmed Bachelors I will be acquitted on the First Ballot. They had no Business locking me up at all. This Gink that I was hooked up with wore striped shirts and had a fierce line of Low Comedy and I just had to kill him.” “Probably you acquired a Streak of Lawlessness because you were permitted to run wild during your Girlhood,” suggested the Psyocho-Analyst. “Say, I am and always have been a Perfect Lady. I spent four years in a Finishing School and if you don’t think I am the Class for Poise, Politeness and Pronunciation, come over to the Criminal Court next Week and watch me on the Witness Stand. I will make a Humming Bird seem loud and uncouth.” The Investigator retired to a Corner and looked oyer his Notes and began to feel dizzy in the Head. He didn’t like to quit cold on any of his beautiful Theories so he approached another Cell and accosted a middleaged Prisoner of serious Mien and noble Countenance. “How come?” asked the Expert. “They seem to be almost sure that I am guilty of Bigamy," was the Reply. “Up to Date they have found Emma, Louisa, and Marcella. I am sitting here and hoping that Luella, Genevieve, Therese and Natalie do not happen to see my picture in the Paper. If too many show up the Case will begin to look dark." “I suppose you went off your Bean about Wimmen because you were such a licentious Rake in your early Manhood?” “From 1892 to 1917 I was Keeper of a Light-House which rose abruptly from the Sea about six miles from the Mainland,” replied the Prisoner. “During all these Years I read Books sent to me by pious Relatives. So you see, I am not to Blame.” The Magazine Writer changed his Plans and instead or doing a Piece which accounted for increased Lawlessness he prepared an Article, with Sketches, showing how Any One who has a File and a Pair of Pliers can make his own Radio Set. MORAL: When the Germs begin floating around, no one can tell where they will light.