Jasper Weekly Courier, Volume 37, Number 2, Jasper, Dubois County, 21 September 1894 — Page 7

WEEKLY COURIER. C. DOAJS'IC, I'ublirfhor. j ASPEL INDIANA

UM 5ß n SEE," s a i d the Jericho station master, "that a train on the Denver road has just been held up and the mi fe robbed of over three hundred thousand dollars Wei'., tlie.se things have to happen .so long as the present style of burglar-proof safes is In fashion. Any robber that has been properly educated to the business can ojhmj a safe inside of half an hour, and can do it without any dynamite or such violent ways. Xow, a safe can be made that nobody can open except with the proper combination, for I've seen such a safe myself. Saw it on this very road, too, and it was buried only about fifty miles from here." "What in the world was the reason for burying the safe?" I asked. "Hceause yon can't have a funeral without burying the corpse," replied the station master. "I've just about time enough to tell you the story before the Athensville express comes in. mi sjt down and you shall hear all about it. 'About ten years ago, ot mebbe eleen I ain't any sort of a hand for datesthere was a baggage master on t:ns road by the name of Hopkins. He and I were on the same train, which was tm the regular day express, and carried the gold dust that had to be sent down once a week to Custervillo, wlere the mines were panning' out at that time pretty middling well. Thishyer Hopkins Jim was his name - besides being baggage master, also acted as agent for the express company and took charge of the safe. As a ru'e the train was held up once a month, and the safe was either opened by Jim, with a pistol to hl ;ar.orclse. if the robbers had plenty of time before them and took pride in their profession, they would open it themselves. "Jim got tired of this sort of thing, and, being an ingenious sort of chap who had invented quite a lot of things, 1 e undertook to invent a safe that no body could open except with the combination. Moreover, he cal'lated to make ft so strong that dynamite w ouldn't have no effect upon it. so that it would really be a burglar-proof safe in good earnest. Well, Jim he worked at the safe a good part of the winter until he had got it planned out in a way to suit him, and then he took some of his savings, for he had a good lot of money in the bank, and he built his new patent burglar-proof safe and put it in his baggage-car. "The new safe was about twice the size of an ordinary express company's safe. Outside it looked like any other safe. but. besides being twice as strong1 as anything of the kind ever built before, it had a good many special features winch I don't pretend to reineniler. not being a mechanical sharp myself. I do recall, however, that it had a spring lock, which Jim explained was for convenience in case the train should be held tin very suddenly and t aere should not be time to elose the j afe and lock it in the usual way. I "Seems to me,' said the conductor. I whose name was Sampson, though we always called him Gates, after that I fr.end of Sampson that he carried j ;m ay somewhere tm his back, I don't x.ietly remember the name of the I 'wn. 'Seems to me,' says he. 'that! w :ien you get a pistol to your ear that j .ife will come open as easy as any "ti.cr safe." I "so it will, said Jim, 'provided I 'Vt-r find that pistol alongside my far. hut 1 cal'nte that I've got through i'h that style of amusement. The ext time this hyec train is held up the robbers won't lind me, unless they ian open that safe, which is just what I mean they shan't be able to do.' "Why, where are yon going to be?' disked Gates. 'Are you cal'lating to wltl lll: AUK TOI' C.ol.NO TO UK?" hide yourself in the tire box, or under the water in the tank?' ' See here." says Jim, 'I ain't no blame fool, if J look like one. No, sir, I don't cal'late to try any such games s those you're a referring to, but do i'M'cct to get inside that safe when the train i held up and to stay there until the robbers get tired of trvingto 'pen it." "That's a big scheme, Jim," says the conductor, "but I'd like to know how you expect to open the safe again ben you want to come out?" "0:"fcayR Ji,n, "that part of thcbiud-

UP ' fill "

es I leave with you, I'll give vnu

the combination, and after the robber have got tired ami gone home you can open the safe and let me out." All right!' says 'Jutes, I'll let you out fast enough provided I can 'remember the combination, but you know my memory isn't what you might call lirst-elas., ami I might forget the combination, and never be able to open the safe. Of course, you wouldn't mind a little thing like that, for you'd be snug and comfortable, though perhaps a little bit hungry after awhile.' "Well, the conductor kept on challing Jim about his new invention, but the twt) were good friends, though it was afterwaad thought by people who didn't know all the facts that Gates was partly to blame for what Imppencil. Jim gave Gates the combination of the safe, and the very next day after the thing was put up in the baggage car the train was held up just this side of Athensville. "The robbers climbed into the baggage car and when they couldn't find Jim they brought out the conductor and told him to open the safe. The conductor swore that nobody knew the combination except Jim. and he wasn't aboard the train that night, but had laid over at Jones" Misery, owing to not feeling very well. The robbers, seeing as Jim was not to be found, believed what the conductor said, and they went to work to pick the lock of the safe. Of course they couldn't do it. Then they tried their center bits, but they couldn't make any impression on the safe. The bits would just slide around and scratch the surface here and there, but they had hardly made a dent iu the steel. Hy this time the robbers had got pret ty mad, nnd they slid the safe out into the open and tried what they could do with dynamite. They must have put a lot of stuff under the safe, for when it went off the safe sailed more than thirty feet iu the air and came down so solid that she made a big hole in the ground. Hut when they came to examine her she wasn't hurt a bit. 2s" ot a joint nor a bolt was started, and except for a little blackening of the outside she was as good as new. " 'This hyar is a low-down outrage,' says the robber captain. "The man that made that safe deserves hanging, if ex-er a man did. for the thing is going to put an end to train robbing, and will throw hundreds of men out of employment. I hate a man what hasn't any feeling for his fellow men. "Well, the rest of the robbers they stood around the safe and cussed till they were tired, but they admitted that they couldn't open it. and after awhile they told the conductor that he might take his safe back again, and start his train down the road. Accordingly, we got the safe in the baggage car again, and after the train was a mile or two down the road, the conductor he opens her, and there was Jim. as gay as a jaybird, and laughing himself sick over the failure of the robbers. "There wasn't any doubt that Jim's scheme had worked well, and the express company gave him fifty dollars as a testimonial of their gratitude for having prevented the robbers from seizing two hundred thousand dollars' worth of gold dust. Kimcby a new idea occurred to Jim. You see at that time there wasn't any telegraph on this line, and there being only a single track, and that a pretty rough one. accidents were frequent. One day when there was a drove of cattle on the line, and Jim, looking out of the car, saw that there was certain to be a smash-up, he just opens his safe and gets into it to wait for letter times. That train went off the track, and the baggage car broke loose and went tlown an embankment, turning over half a dozen times and going i

clean to kindling wood. When we that if we was to dig that safe up and began to clear things up and missed try it with 'Hayes' it would open with.Mm we all supposed that he had been out the least trouble.' smashed, but when the conductor " "What's the good of opening it after opened the safe to see if things were ' Jim has been occupying it for more all right, there was Jim, as smiling as ! than a year?' savs the man.

a basket of chips, and inquired in a careless way if there was anything the matter with the train. After that Jim regularly climbed into his safe whenever he heard the danger signal, and he never once got the least scratch or bruise. "Jim was a careful man and never neglected any precaution that would make the valuables in his charge as safe as possible. This was why he made it a rule to change the combination of the safe every month. About ihe :;d day of AugustI remember the month because I always suffer freni the liver complaint in August and I was off duty at the time and readingin the smoking car, being too sick to work as brakeman when we came near running into a wagon that was crossing the track. When Jim heard the brakes blown down he crawled into his safe and shut the door, expecting there would be an accident. It so happened that the wagon got clear of the track just in time, and we went on our way rejoicing. After awhile we missed Jim. and knowing that he must be 3n his safe, the conductor started to open it. He found that the combination wouldn't work, and then remembering that it was just after the 1st of the month, he knew that Jim must have changed It, and forgotten to give him the new combination. So the conductor got close to the keyhole and calls to Jim to give him the combination, but Jim answers that he had changed it that very morning, but couldn't for the life of him remember what it was, "Here was a pretty go. The only man who knew the combination had forgot it, and he was shut up iu the safe. We told Jim that we would leave him quiet for an hour, and that there wasn't any doubt that he would be able to remember In that time the combination, but somehow when he agreed to this his voice didn't sound very sanguine. At theendof the hour he hadn't made any progress. All he could say was that the word had some-1 thing to do with robbery or politics, i and that it must W a word of five letters, that bciur the way the lock was made.

"Well, we set to work to think of uv cry word in the language relating to robbery and containing live letters. It was like working out some of those puzzles that you see in the .Sunday papers, but we couldn't hit on the right answer. Seeing as "robbery" didn't furnish us with the word we tried words connected w ith politics, and if we had only known it we were on the right track, but we never got there. "We worked at the combination for a good twenty-four hours, taking it altogether, and then we had to give it up. Then we sent for the best safe burglar in the whole northwest, and o tiered him one hundred dollars to open the safe, giving him leave to try any plan he might prefer. The man hud heard of Jim's patent burglar proof safe, and being an ambitious chap, who took a genuine pride in his profession, he was glad of the job. Hut ho didn't .succeed any better than wo had done. I'ieking at the look, guessing at the combination and working with the jimmy were all failures, and, having heard about the experiment that the first gang of train robbers had made on the safe with dynamite, he didn't think it worth while to try thut sort of thing for the second time. "For all that we kept tinkering at the combination for a fortnight or more afterward. Jim had been quiet after the end of the first eight days and we couldn't get any answer from him. So, seeing as the time had come to bid farewell to him, we decided that we would take the safe down to: the Athensville cemetery and bury it as it stood. Which, accordingly, was done on the following Sunday, and seeing as it was known that safe belonged to Jim and was empty at thq

TIIKltK WAS JIM AS UAV AS A JAY1JIHD." time so far as Jim was concerned there was nobody who had the right to make any objection. The minister who conducted the funeral did say something about the extraordinary nature of the coffin that we had chosen for the deceased, but we told him that the cofiin didn't con cern him and that all he hud to do was to heave ahead and give it Christian burial without passing any of his remarks. "It must have been a year after the funeral when a passenger got to talking with the conductor of the express in the smoking car about Jim and his safe, and he accidentally mentioned that the night before Jim shut himself up for the last time they, too, had been talking politics, and Jim, who was a democrat, was slinging languuge about President Hayes and saying that he iiad stolen the presidency from Tilden, and was no better than a train robber. When the conductor heard this he swore awhile in a thoughtful sort of way, and then he says: 'We've got that combination at last.' " "How so?" saj-s the man. " 'Why.' says the conductor, Jim allowed.that the combination was a word of five letters that had something to do either with robbery or politics. Now "Hayes' would be exactly that sort of word, and 1 can't think now it happened that we didn't try it I haven't the least manner of doubt " "Why, just this," says the conductor. ( "That there safe is the only burglar- I proof safe ever built and if the combiuation was known the relatives of 1 the remains could sell it for two thou- j sand dollars easy. I'll see them about ' it to-morrow, and we'll have one more i try at opening it' "Well, to make a long story short, the relatives dug the safe up and found sure enough that "Haves' was the word that unlocked it. It was a little rusty on the outside, but otherwise it was just as good as ever. There wasn't very much left of Jim by that time, but what there was received a second funeral, for there wasn't any tiling mean about Jim's family, and then the express company bought the safe for eighteen hundred dollars and it was used on this road for upwards of two years." "What became of it finally?" I asked. "What always becomes of anj thing or anybody that sticks to railroading too long? The train went off of ThreeMile bridge about seventy-live miles north of Josephusville, and, there being a quicksand at the bottom of the creek that no man could ever find the bottom of the whole train, including Jim's safe, sank out of fight, and nobody ever found the least trace of it afterward. Vou ought to have heard of that accident, for about three hundred passengers went down with the train and the company never paid a cent of damages, because there were no remains found and nobody could prove that anybody in particular had been killed. I say it didn't cost the company anything for damage., though they do say that the jurymen cost altogether not far from five thousand dollars apiece. However, the company got out of it very cheap, and the directors were more disgusted about losing that safe than they were about losing the whole train. Come into mv office and I'll show you Jim' photograph standing by his new safe and making believe to pronounce an oration on its merits. He was a trood fellow-was Jim, but he put his confidence In that safe once too ofU.'OuM St. Paul Pioneer Pre.

WORDS TO REMEMBER.

The AreuiiifiiU of Tim liunmloti of i'iiulo Turin: ICi-fitrin. J At the erisi- of the closing-debute on t the new tariff bill Speaker Crisp and ' Chairman ilson irave their reasons for supporting it I'.vere detnoerat slum Id l.ni-. 1,,. heart the following extracts from the two speeches. They answer every argument, every fallacy, every falsehood, every taunt and jeer of the republican shriekcrs and howlers for the protected trusts. The statements of these two leaders constitute the vindication of those who acted with them in voting for the senate bill. Chairman Wilson said: "Whatever the measure of shortcom- j ing of this hill in Its present form j whatever be its demerits in mere schedulesthis I do know, that it is better than the McKinley bill. This I . do know, that in a part of it it does af-' ford some relief to the taxpayers of this country "d does clip the wings of the gigantic monopolies that are now oppressing them and blocking legislation. , "Take even those portions of the bill over which this contest between the two houses has been waged; take iron ore and coal, upon which we have confronted, and to a certain extent unsuccessfully confronted, the great railroad ! syndicates of the conutrv; yet we have . I reduced them both nearly 30 per cent, j below the McKinley bill. Take the j sugar schedule, over which the great- , est of all the contests between the two ', j houses has been waged. Vicious as it J may be, burdensome to the people as it ' may be, favorable to the trust as It , may be, it is less vicious, less favorable . to the trust, less burdensome to the people than is the McKinley law, under which this trust lias rown so reat as to overshadow with it nower the j American people." ' Enforcing and indorsing the argument of Chairman Wilson, Speaker Crisp said: "if there is a sugar trust in this country which is dominating leg:isla- , tion the republican party created it. j And though this bill does not destroy ( that trust, as we wish it did. it takes away more than one-half of the protection accorded to that trust. If there is a coal combine the legislation of the . republican party built it up. and though we do not make coal free in this bill we reduce the duty from 73 cents to 10 ( cents. If there is a steel and iron combine the same remark applies, doing, through these schedules, whilst they are not all we wish, they are (ami we f want theeountry to understand it the ' best we can now get. The moment we get this we intend to move forward; we do not intend there shall be any back-, ward sten in tariff reform.' ;

This is the democratic answer to I ant "prohibitory duties" in the bill reevery republican misstatement of the , -'ntly passed is more dishonest, insinfact, to republican false arguments, to . wre a" nauseating than anything of the flings and sneers which they use in j the sort thatcan be found in the history

place of argument . The bill is a meas - urc of reform. It takes something from the trusts. It has shorn them of a part of their jKwer. The people are taxed less for their enrichment. .Much more than this, doubtless, is true. Protection has won its last triumph over the people. Tariff rates never will be advanced a train in this eountry for the benefit of monopolies ! and trusts. Every future change will j be in the direction of lower revenue schedules. I From the hour that this tariff bill be-. comes a law the drift of federal legislation will be away from protection. 1 .Another protective tariff law never! wTil Imj enacted by the United States congress. So, in a measure., in the effect on tariff legislation for the future the pledges of the democratic platform of Jsy:, are redeemed, in their spirit and intent. Notwithstanding a partial apparent defeat, a vital democratic principal is crowued with triumph. Chicago Herald. 'IN DECENT FAVORITISM." Kxpctturc of a lMrrn of Nuti.oatluc Itrpulitlraii Cant. We find in the editorial columns of republican journals some very queer criticisms of the new tariff. For ex ample, the New York Tribune, which . . , ... , i is never weary of calling the Mckinley i "V " " . t m U",ri,l,, w - ! iruiiico. now tains aooui --cases ox indecent favoritism" in the new tariff, and in the same sentence specifies "the defense of steel beam and some other

monopolies by duties meant to be pro- th5s ,.omUrv so lonj, h!ir:itM.d and ntuitory. 1 racked by war taxation, will be thankHut if he duty on steel beams m the , ful.rhieago Times. new tariff very much lower than the duty iu the old onc was "meant to be . o. P. Talk j. c o. i. Votr. proidbitory" and is an example of "in-, The Press said a few days ago that decent favoritism." and is therefore to j "the republicans in the senate can efbe denounced, how will the' Tribune j fectually assail this disgraceful aliicharacterize the steel beam duty iu the'aiice between the administration and McKinley tariff? We may ask the ' the sugar monopolists by voting to put .same question about the duties on ! -sugar on the free list and to restore

steel rails. Here is a comparison of the duties jer ton: MxKlnlcy. New Tariff. Steel beams jciXlö il.TU Steel rails ua tm If a duty of per ton on beams is "indecent" and "meaut to be prohibitory," was not the McKinley duty of 20. lit more "indecent" and prohibitory in a greater degree? Was not a duty of S13. H on rails much more "indecent" than one of gT.Sl can be? And does not the Tribune know that in the senate these duties of S13.4I on beams anil ST.S1 on rails were substituted for the very much lower rates of the house bill . :;oper cent, and 20 per cent respect-1 ively) at the suggestion or couitnand of ! Mr. Quay, of Pennsylvania, the ivpub-, lican senator by whose vote alone the sugar trust saved its differential protective duty of ii of a cent a pound, a duty worth at least 510,000,000 in three years to that organization'.' if thistaritr is. as the Tribune says ' iu uumeciioii wun jus remarns annul the steel beam duty, a "bill of sale to monopolists," was not the McKinley tariff a "bill of sale" In which the prices realized were larger localise the favors granted were more valuable? The duty of 813.14 on beams in the new tariff die.s not "defend a monopoly." Krause the combination of the manufacturers of steel beams nolonger exists. We think the duty should Have

Ik-cii made lower, but the combination was dissolved two years ago. The Tribune knows this, it has repeatedlypublished the fact In its news columns and referred to it in its editorial articles. The combination was dissolved

j by the action of ' of our republican C Mr. Carnegie. Some publican contemporaries have never forgiven him for breaking this , ring and thus causing a reduction of - prices to a competitive basis which , made it impossible for them honestly to defend the McKinley tariff's towerj ing duties on the product In question, j The republican tariff in force from 1 to October 0, 1Ü0, "indecently" , f'avo lh!s combination, the existence of which was freely admitted in the last three or four years of that tariff by the members of It, a protective duty of S".'s per ton, and within the last twelve months American beams have been sold at S-3. Under the shelter of this duty of $-.'S the ring maintained for three or four years, without variation, the price of STS.'X per ton. or 3 3-10 cents a pound. It could take advantage not only of the duty of S.S. but also of natural protection equivalent to not less than 25 per cent. For about two years after the passage of the McKinley tariff the same combination, with the assistance of the ""indecent" McKinley duty of S-0.10, exacted a uniform ring price of ;t. H per ton, or 3 1-10 cents a pound. This was freely admitted, and was shown by the reports of every trade journal of the iron and steel industry. Hut after the withdrawal -A Mr. Carnegie anil the resumption of ordinary competitive conditions in the steel beam business, the price fell in a short time more than 40 per cent. Thereafter it declined more slowly, until j beams were ' PUlld, ($"t.01 old at 1 1-10 cents a per ton), or just onethird of the old ring orice exacted by Chairman Jones, of the Republican national committee, and his associates in the combination. The price to-day at Pittsburgh is 1 3-10 cents a pound, or $211.1'.' per ton. There is no combination. Our neighlor should avoid any reference to the duties on steel beams. Even in the case of the sugar trust, the Tribune has admitted, and the party's tariff leader and highest authority in congress freely says, that the protective bonus given to the trust iu the new tariff is not quite three-quarters of the protective Ihjiius given to it by the McKinley tariff. 42S, cents, as against 00 cents per hundred. Earnest and consistent advocates of tariff reform have just ground for complaint about many of the provisions of the new tariff, but the cant of the thick-and-thin supporters of MeKinleyism and the McKinley tariff, with all its huge jobs, about "indecent favoritism ' ' American politics. rs. i . 1 mies. What We Have Saveil. The failure of the house democracy to secure the enactment as a law of the Wilson bill as originally drawn is. of course, a great disappointment to democrats the country over and a misfortune to the party and the people at large. The bill as passed is infinitely preferable to the McKinley law, and its adoption demonstrates the disposition of most of the democratic representatives and senators to make good the promises included in the party's platform adopted at the Chicago convention. The tariff on woolens is reduced alwut one-half, wool itself is made free, as is also lumber and salt; the j cotton nnd metal schedules are greatly i reduced, and the duties on coal and i iron are virtually cut in two. Further- ' more, the income feature of the bill takes several million dollars from the tax on articles consumed by the masses and places it on the incomes of the rich. These features of the bill all contain important benefits for the people who pay the taxes, and they should not be depreciated or belittled in any way. For free sugar, free iron, free coal and absolute free trade the country must look to the future. If the demo,4v- ,i i,s jo4i, ill i. Ulli; i u.n hit SOIm. hnprtan"t xulvilIlce m thl. wa-r of tari" reform will be made. In the meantime the Wilson bill, as passed. Is the best law that could be enacted under the circumstances, and for so much of good it contains and the bounty to domestic producers." No doubt they could, but they wouldn't They voted solidly for the Murphy rev olution against any further "contested legislation." They did not want to deprive themselves of a campaign issue or the sugar ring of its liooty. N. Y. World. iiuiiklnc on rorrtr. Hon. Champ Clark, of St. Louis, In an address K'fore the Young Men's Democratic society, of New York, among other things said: "'The republican party this day ,,ascs au us 'I"i MU and isiw on oases all its hopes of 1 stt and Uu -'nnned depression of business, ho w,hoU' ,,,sty of politics it is l,u. nrsi u"' ",ni I,n.v great party ever welcomed hunger, nakedness and en forced idleness as allies." nil that hunger, nakedness and enforced Idleness ?, the direct result of l the vicious legislation of that sarac re PuWIm party. -Exchange Tniltoni Will II Krtm iiilicT.d. Vhc lloclu'ster Union (I)em.) says: "The democratic party the peopleobliged to surrender to the Gorman gang for the time being in order to gain relief for the couotry, will settle In detail with the beneficiaries of whatever of plunder has Iwen smuggled through m the senate bill, not one of which can find legs to stand upon when taken singly as to iu merits.'

PERSONAL AND LITERARY.

Prince H.'smarck, It Is said, has the peculiar habit of drinking champagne from the lmttje, not from the glass of course, only iii his own house, lie declares that only in that way ean he get, its good effects. He drinks it by order of his physician. Miss Marietta Holley, or, as she is better known "Josiah Allen's Wife." talks into a phonograph and her words are then copied by her typewriter, who prepares her copy for the humorous books and articles which are the delight of womanhood. These are the names of the little daughter of Archduke Stephen of Austria: Maria Immaculata Caroline Margarethe Hlanca heopoldine Heatrix Ann Joseilne Hafaela Michela Stanislaus Ignatz Hieronymous Camiro Katharina Petra Caecilia. Sig. Leoncavallo is said to be an untiring worker. Tn thirty-two days he wrote S3'phonic poem, "Leraph itte," and he is still working on the lyric opera, "La Vie do Hoheme," and on "Koland Herlin," which ho is writing for the Herlin opera at the request of the emperor. At the same time he. is writing the music to a ballad "Keynard the Fox," of which Dr. S. Arkel has written the libretto from the wellknown of Goethe. There died in Glasgow the other day James Gilchrist, who was known as "the Scottish Stradivarius." Gilchrist, who was sixty-two years old, was a mechanical genius. He made the most difficult and delicate instruments and was the chief aid of Prof. Pettigrew iu making his models for investigating the laws governing the flight of birds. He died a poor man, his wife often saying: "He can make everything but money." Sir Charles Hussell, the new lord chief justice of England, is an Irishman and a Roman Catholic. He breaks a long line of precedent in being the first member of the church of Home to attain his present exalted place since the days of the English reformation. Sir Charl.-s is just sixty-one years old. He was made a queen's counsel in 1ST2, a member of parliament in 1S60 and attorney-general in 18S0. His salary as lord chief justice is SjO,000 a year. The catalogue of Ouida's effects just sold at Florence indicates not only the prosperity of her form of literature but her personal fondness for gorgeous and dainty belongings, including, among other things, a number of unused gravestones for her as yet vital and yelping lapdogs. These, of course, went for a song, leaving the animals, which alone of the collection remain with the authoress, small chance of posthumous commemoration. It is said that the novelist has never recovered from the shock of her mother's death, and she is in far from robust health. Miss Wheeler, who presides over the training-school for nursery-maids connected with the New York babies hospital on Lexington avenue, teaches her pupils all that is necessary in the care of infants, but she wisely refuses to instruct them in medical lore, holding that in that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. The nursery-maids are taught to make poultices, oil-skin jackets, plasters, etc., to use the clinical thermometer, to give hot and cold and mustard baths, to care for the skin, mouth, eyes and ears, of tho babies, and when, how, and how much to feed them. HUMOROUS. "Do you find your new maid very trying?" Mrs. Nuwife "No; the trouble is she won't do anything." InterOzcan. Strangei "Do you belong to this city?" Denizen "Nor. Oi don't: the city belongs to me. Oi'm a member of the foorce." Hoston Transcript. As the express dashes through the station. "Oh, porter, doesn't that train stop here?"' Porter "No, mum; it doesn't even hesitate." Tit-Hits. Mrs. Nucook "Now I'll read the recipe over and you see if I have everything that this pie calls for." Mr. Nucook "Everything, dearest, except the doctor. Inter-Ocean. "Didn't it feel funny the fust time ye had the bracelets on?" said one jailbird to another. '"Yes, but I soon got me hand in," was the reply. Pittsburgh Chronicle-Telegraph. Heart whole. t 'The summer irlr! from day to day Acts cheerily her part; Thoujjh she Is very ott engaged She never loses heart. Puck. Tourist "Can you fell me If there Is any danger and difiicnlty in crossing that peak?" Shepherd "Oh no! Just follow those piles of stones you see up there; they mark the places where tourists have fallen down." Fliegende lHatter. "And father has forbidden you the house," she said. "Yes," he replied; "this is the last I can see of you." "Harold! You must go and see him." '"It's no use. The last time I met him he made it clear that he had decided on a lockout and wouldn't arbitrate." Washington Star. The Wife "How do you like tho parlor, John?" The Husband "It is beautiful. Those chairs are very inviting." (Sits down). The Wife "Get out of that chair immediately. After all my trouble in fixing up the room you go and sit down in it the first thing. Just like a man!" N. Y. Press. Taking the Chances. Mrs. Cash "What did you pay for that bonnet?'' Mrs. Chargeit "1 don't know. 1 just told the milliner to send the bill to my husband." Mrs. Cash "Aren't you afraid to do that?" Mrs. Chargeit "Oh, no. I'm perfectly willing to take the chances if the milliner is. "Detroit Free Press. He Didn't Like It "Did you over see a play, Aunt Martha?" asked a lady of an elderly aunt fron the country, who was spending a week in the city. "Yes, Anne, I did," was the reply. "When your uncle and me was married, we come to the city on our bridal tower, and we went to see one of Mr. Shakespeare's pieces called 'How Do; You Like It?" and 1 didn't like it a bit., aad I ain't been siace." Exchange.