Jasper Weekly Courier, Volume 31, Number 50, Jasper, Dubois County, 30 August 1889 — Page 3

AVEEKLY COURIER. q. :i?Q l'Mbllwheu'.

JASl'KK. INDIANA. WOMAN'S WORK. Kith nv turn nty stej I take, I MiHBy K CKKlk and ere vie: Attd many biwi l mHkt I Wk Km Maud HMd HM Hd U . Iiweep, I aunt, I eook, I rist Uj In the rntM early; X wuh the tirenKfaet athea. and 1 jhuru. then Owk the haby, I make the diiM una ary leavo ny Airalnu my Hew hreem fairly; .1 etmtmr, ehatter a 1 g. lieouuMi I reat m rarely: "Korwen may eete d men may t, Hut 1 Re oh Iwever, vr, go im forever, 1 wove aVout sndn una oat, While lierv iho chickens leed:.i. Antl here ami there at hawk to shout. Hut little they ant heeding. 1 walk, I run, I Ulm I hop From oae WiIrk to another; I snip te ureea a bruifte or fut. For the children run to mottor. Then to the gulden I inut go To se what work t neeile.1, ForjtlenU must b at qut, you kainr. AM then Miej- must be wearied. For men can't tt, for they muit go, Hut we work on forever, ever, We work on forever. I clear the tray ad "imt to rights" The flltilng-room ami kluhen; I then bo In my room to sew, And try and do some stlti-htiig. I Woad-'rlf there s on earth No recite from our labor, No time to go and gotalp some -With pleasant, 'friendly neighbors? ..Before lend th i piece of work And try to thin a little, 1 throw It down and ran and make A Hre luvd place the Ueltie. Tor men mint eat and gv you kaew, llut women van go nefr. Ye, wen w II come and men will go, Hut we work oh forever, ever, We work on forever. m -Mrs. T. O. Holt, in The Free hi a a. A CONSULTATION. The Family Doctor and the Fash ionsble Physician.. lam a family doctor, with a suffi cientlv arduous, if not over-lucrative practice, ehioliy among tho lower mid l!e class whose homes abound in southeastern suburb of modern Bab vlon. home your airo. when 1 was jBoro of a straggler tha I happily now am. 1 had by good fortune ob tained a foothold as medical advisor in the household of a wealthy city stockholder, who dwelt in a spacious and luxurious mansion somo three miles further out on the Surrey hills than tho extreme limit of my regular round of visits; and tlte fees I receive' for occasional calls to Mount Aureo when Mr. Midas Contango had a touch of Ills chronic tormenter, tho gout; or ,hls somewhat sentimental spouse quite a grand dutne, however, in he own esteem was sunortng the pen alties of systematic outrage on the digestive tit-tip of her portly person were so liberal in their extent at to form in the aggregate no inconsidera bio proportion of my modest Income Alter tnv connection at Mount Aureo had continued, to the deeming satis faction of all concerned, for somo two years, I began to recoivo more frequent stimmonsoH thitherward, The only daughter of the Contangos, Miss Muriel, a fine, tall, gracefully-formed damsel of seventeen, who might have stood for a sculptor's model, so perfect was her physique, had returned homo for her Christmas vacation from iier fashionable Brighton boardingschool troubled with a slight cough. In all respects savo this trifling laryngeal affection, she enjoyed tho excellent health of which both her parents had had possession in their earlier days, before the indulgences which follow in wealth's wako had made them profitable acquaintances of my own. It was clear enough, too, to me that Miss Muriel Contango's throat trouble was purely local; nevertheless, it was causing serious alarm to tho master and mistress of Mount Aureo, who idolized their charming daughter. Tho dream of tho Cantango oxistonce was to mate Miss Muriel to some scion of the aristocracy, their reputation for riches having obtained them entree to society to which, by birth and brooding, they were not entitled. Mr. and Mr Midni Contango had both begun to dread that Miss Muriel's indisposition would cillmliiato in bronchitis or a decline. The slightest cough, the loajt bronchus, raised tho grim and terrible specter of phthisis, and tho boautii 'I young lady wm hold to be in imminent danger of an early grave. 1 had examined her cho-tt with the most anxious and minute care, but could ' discover nothing to justify any fear or even doubt of tho correctness of my diagnosis; yet, doapito balsamlcs and sedative, cxposuro, however little, in treacherous weather would cause hoarseness and a transitory cough. Indeod, those disagreeable symptoms often iaanifostod themselves without any apparent cause, except, as I judged, the inordinate precautions taken to avert thorn. The rooms at Mount Auroo wero always too hot; Miss Muriel was overelothod, could not stir out for a constitutional in the garden without n rospirator, or take a drive unless hidden in an envelepment of costly furs. When I ventured to hint at this, tho invariable reply of tho Contangos was: "Ah! doctor, if wo did not take this care of Muriel, how long would 4ie be with us? tho dear child is .10 dellcato." And nothing I could say would alter their opinion. One day in the April succeeding, Mhon Miss Muriel had been coddled Up at home for four months instead of being sunt to Brighton to continue her fetttdles, Mrs. Contango was mora than usually concerned about her daughter's condition. Tho stockbroker and his good lady had over night held Htt anxious dUottselon. I had made My

uow unual tnough aiilta unnoooMary daily viait to Mount Aureo, aad Mr. Mliia Contango wan, in hoc patronis

ing and yot eulioiUm wanner, bowing out, I bad altfliMt reached the door, hat in baud, when Mr. Contan go mU, wita Mime effort: "Doctor, you know we have tho uUaoot oonfldenue la yon; wo earry out your intru4iUt to the letter, but our dear ehUd" Yen, madam; only you will persist in treating her, if I may bo pardoned tho shhlle, too ranch after tho manner a tropical orchid, instead of regnrdg Her an a ooauumi piant oi jwi glUh growth." Well, you may bo right, uoewr but we are skj very anxious, Mr, Con taniro and mvsetf you see Muriel Is our only child, our sole hope. Now would you mind our asking tho ouiaion of a famous specialist as to the case?" NothlMif would be bettor or more proper, I'ray, wnom wotuu you uae, at . in. and when may we arrange, contingent , , , . 1. . . , . ...... i.t on ius LOing auiu tu uumu, iu un i hero?" Mm. Midas Contango mentioned the name jpf n very fashionable and ox nonsivo London nhyslclan with a con sultative nractloe confined almost en tlrcly to tho houses of those who had been nresented at court. Uo was oertJLiiilv not tho man I should have ehoen, for the faculty mthor smiled at hie pretensions to pre-eminent skill, and Ids reputation was far more that oi'tlie drawing-room than professional, Howuver. 1, a humble if conscientious practitioner, could not afford, had 1 o desired, to decline to meet mm, ami consented to facilitate arrangement for an interview at the great man s convenience. The fiwhlonablo physician drew Up in his imposing equipage at tho door of Mount Aureo half ran hour behim tho time appointed, wns introduced to his patient, making the while profuse apologies for having been unavoidably dotalned by a critical case that of the Duke of Doerwood to whoso hou&e in Mayfalr he had been summoned by the Duchess' request to give his opinion a to the treatment adopted by the nttondant medical gontleman. What!" said the society exquisite for such the celebrity certainly was 'what!" exclaimed ,he. in grandilo quent tone?, striking a theatrical atti tude, "is it that lino young lady wo are to consult about? That superb girl, in such perfect condition! Come, madam confess that you are only making fun OI us. Well," replied Mrs. Contango, Im pressed, 0h sho was meant to lie, by the importance of the pompous poi son ace who wim addressing her, admit uppearances aro in my daugh tor s favor, and 1 nope that you may be able to assuro us that her condition is not serious; but sho is always losing her voice always coughing and if we were not to take care" A Hoot of tears drowned the rest of the sou teneo. - "llut," airily remarked the famous doctor, "my dear madam, why distress yourself? All may lie well. Let me hear from this gentleman, your family attendant, the symptoms as he has interpreted them." I gavo the history of the oase in a few words. "Well, well; there saemn to be nothing serious; but we must examine the chest with the utmost exactness to decide that" "Pardon me," Interrupts mamma, "but will you allow me to remain in the room?" "Of course, madam," responded the favorite of fortune. You havo a sacred right to stop hore. Pray, sit down." And then he directed me to commence ha examination. I percussed with minute carefulness every part of the thorax, and, as before, could really find nothing abnormal. "There; you perceive that I have tested with exactness, and tho resonance 1 everywhere perfect" I made the remark as a mere matter of form, for I had not failed to note that the very superior West End practitioner had not condescended to pay the slightest attention to my proceedings, but was talking in low tones to Mpj. Midas Contango all the time. "Ah, well, now It is my turn," said lie, and with the most dollcately impressive eara placod Miss Muriel again in position; not, as I had done, with the arms crossed on the chest, but stlflly extended. In place of telling her to count "thirteen to sixteen," ho gave her a book and directed her to read a dozen linos, and then to sing tho gamut, an octavo and a half. Tho mother was watching all this in admiration and devouring every detail. "Ah! humph!" said tho oraclo; "It seems there is something but extremely dltllcult to differentiate. Lot us hear what percussion yields." And his style was truly enchanting. Every tap with tho fingers was given with a flourish and a graceful swoop worthy of the most oxport professor of i loight-of-hand thaUovor ontertalnod a Countess guests. There was a moment of studied indecision, and then, with a covert smile, turning to mo, he said: "There it is. Listen, my dear young friend," as he boat his digital drum now on this side, then on that "Ticktack, tick-tnek. Hark! do you hoar It? There Is a vey appreciable difference In rownance; whan I say 'appreciable difference,' I do not say tin onormous difference no but there it Is!" "For my own part, 9ir," I returned, "I can not, with all deference, detect tho slightest dlfforenoe," i "Oh, very likely; but thore, novortholujs, It is. Now come, however; though having ascertained the Iruth about tho case 'tny time is short, let me eon vines vou. I will tura my

1 Ym iA it... it A , ..... 1 , , !

again percuss. 1 will tell wnich side you aro tapping upon by tho variation a the sound." He luraed round, and percussed as equally as uoeslbla tho two sloes of the thorax. "You are on tho left side," He watt oulto right! la a moment, however, my htir prise was changed to admiration of tho fashionable physician's smart audacity. Hie professional nay, I yet hope I may more truthfully write it tin prof ssloDttl trick was obvious enough, but pot-formed with such jerfeet aplomb that I was duped even whilst taking part in it. Ho had turned hU back to the patient, to Mrs. Midas Contango and myself, but he was looking into a large mirror above tha ootuole which faced him! What could 1 do? J was mute. The tables had Indeed been so completely turned upon mo that I had nothing to say. "Madam, I must not alarm you," observed the triumphant specialist to Mrs. Contango, who was in blissful ignoraneeof the deception; "those del lcato gradations In tone can only be at once detected after immense praotMc, only by those who examine stream of patients; but there is some thing on tho loft side of your daugh ter ohot nothing serious so little. indeed, that my ydung friend hore has been ttnnb'e to Ann it; but there it u And now, tho examination being com plete, permit us to consult as to the treatment, and then I must go, or I shall incur tho displeasure of a noble but somewhat im patient patient of mine." When we wero alone I again ex pressed my incredulity, delicately hinting at my obiurration of his ruse. "'lut, tut! my dear young friend, said he, testily, ."you have not yst grasped the situation. Now. here you have a girl who coughs and has been hoarse for a long time then how the deuce can you get over the fact by telling the parent that thoro is no cause for It! Very llkoly there is nothing the matter with her; but why doe she cough? "That was exactly what bar mother said to mo." "there you are; and mamma was quite right; the -o must be some cause for it. We maynot be able to lay our linger upon it, for wo must examine and understand our patients thor oughly very often belore we can make out their ailments, and then one find the mischief, Iwcause, you see, wo are expected to discover it. "Hut suppose titers really is noth ing." "Nonsense! There always Is. But even if thore wero not, wo aro equally bound to find if, for if you toll these anxious people,' I can discover not! ing wrong.' they will naturally put it down to your ignorance, and send for somebody else who has knowledge enough of human nature or sufficient mvrir fair not to "be embarrassed with no small a difficulty. Now, do yon see my moaning?" "Theoretically there is nothing, practically there Is." "You may put It so, if so it please you. Hut I assurod you that there is and there Is your vigilance and punctilious exactitude notwithstandinga little convenient I'.ifference In rosonanca. The mamma heard the remark, as I intended her to do; she had not the remotest idea what it meant why should she have? but she is perfectly happy now that the cause of her darling's cough has been discovered, because she thinks, the cause being known, the cure will follow. The more unintelligible the explanation, the more convinced is sho of Its correctness. One may remedy, you know, a difference In resonance; but how can you protend to cure a person whom you persistently declare to have nothing the mattor with her?" I began to understand. "Now," continued this consummate rondor of society's Intelligence, "I admit that this is not science " "Nor what tho schools and our hazacademical training teaen us, ii arded I. "Quito so, my dear follow; but accept for once the tuition of a man who has not altogether failed in his profession. What I havo taken the troublo to demonstrate to you gratis is a good working rule smelling a little, perhaps, so to speak, of the shop or of legal tape but If our patrons aro satisfied, our patients mado happy, our reputations advanced, can wo wisely permit so trivial a mattor as departure from slavish adherence to what is miscalled principle to stand between us and success?" "Well," admitted I, a little sadly, "perhaps you aro right" "Of course I am, my doar young friend. I am a cynle, but I succeed. I have been, for instance, besecched to meet you here to-day. And now for treatment." A llttlo delicate countor-irritation was attggestod and agreed on; then the fashionable physician stepped into his elegant turn-out before the door of Mount Aureo, amid the profuse thanks of Mrs. Midaa Contango, a hundred guineas richer for his half-hour's visit. As he shook hands with me, on throwing himself back among the cushions of his brougham, the famous expert smilingly whispered: "You are too modost, my Ingenuous young friend; you have already tho science of medicine at your finger-ends; why not acquire tho art also? Adieu!" One rarely takes part in a consultation without learning something; but I never obtained such valuable practical knowledge from any meeting with n brother professional as I did in that Inglorious scon in the drawllig-rootn of Mount Aureo, in whloh I was so sadly 1st down, for a time at least, la

the ostlmatloM of Mrs. Midas and Mies

Muriel Contango. Miss Muriel subsequently recovered nor temporarily defective rusonaaeo sufficiently to gladden tho heart, of Iter parents by making a marriage at their cost into a noble house. I still have the pleasure of ranking Iter among my patients, but for no organie . or other serious aliment; and I have i t on excellent authority that hor bus 1 band. Viscount Barrenlands, would be , extremely glad at time, when he has been Inordinately extravagant with . lis unearned increment. If lady - Muriel's vigor of voice and physique were both a little less robust Chaw bors' Journal. THE CANTEEN SYSTEM. A New Feature f Army Life That Hal Navel lifteeU. , A feature of Army life that is now attracting some attention outside ol the ranks, and which has tho approval of the officials of tho ar Department ! It is best, known In the English army. and has for its object the providing for soldiers of food, draik and amtuements. At present the first two named, aside from the necessities of tha soldier, which are provided by the commissary department, are supplied by tho post traders, Until within tho last few years the business of the post trader was profitable, but with the growth of new towns near the posts his business foil off. until now his revenue Is derived largely from his license to.sell beer and wine. In many cases it is said that tho post trader abuses the privileges thus granted him, and dispenses to thensoldiorj a pool quality of whisky and brandy. The trader's doallngs are thus often prejudicial to good order and discipline al the post. It is this fact, probably more than any other, that has led tc the adoption of the canteen systom. The canteen is controlled by a voluntary association of the soldiers. Tho sup plies are purchased and sold as at the post trader's, but no spirituous liquors are sold, and no liquors of any kind to an intoxicated man. ,Iiy this meant the soldiers themselves lend thou aid to the officers in maintaining discipline. The amusements include both in-door and out-door recreation and sports. and it is this feature to which the officers look for the best result in the morals of the enlisted men, The results of the system have boon so satisfactory that the War Department officials and heads of the army give all possible enuouragemont to its growth. In a short time a complete list of the locations of canteens will be made up. They aro known to exist at Davis Isl and, Now York harbor; Columbus bai racks, and several posts in the West It is expected that the reports now coming in will be so favorable that the extension of the canteen sys tern to every army post will soon be accomplished. Washington Letter ELECTRICAL TERMS. Vulle and Ohmi, and Haw the Wril Have Heen Farmed. A volt is a unit or standard of olec-tro-motiye force. European eleotrioians call it an "element.1 It is the parts of whioh an electric battery is so constructed, and consists of platei of zinc, copper or prepared carbon, which are immersed in a liquid containing one of a limited number of acids employed for the purpose of generating electricity by contact with the metal or carbon. A battery consists of a number of volts, the number varying with the strength of the electric current to be generated. The term "volt" is formed from the same as Volts, the Italian scientist, whose name is prominently connected with the development of electrical science. In the same way the "Ohm" is named after Prof. Ohm, who Invented it as a standard or unit for measuring the resistanoe to an electric current in its transmission through a body, usually a wire, thereby measuring the conducting power of the wire. If water flows through a pipe the size of the pipe represents the resistance to the flow of the water, the narrower the pipe the greater tho resistance. In a similar way the electric current encounters resistance in its passage through the wire, tho rosistanco arising, probably, from the inherent magnetic and electric properties of tho moleculos it travorsos. In traveling the current losos Its force, spending it in overcoming this resistance, as an ongine running along a track spends its force in overcoming the resistance of friction. The "Ohm" is the unit of resistance. Its quantity has been determined by experiment, and, as in other departments of physical science, an arbitrary standard has been eatablUhod by which to measure it Chicago Trlb. ume. m m Misadventures of Two Sharks. Captain Travers, of tho schooner Hester A. Stewart, that just arrived from the Dahamas, told a reporter that just before he left the islands the natives captured a shark eighteen feet long. When it was cut open a halfbarrel of salt pork was found intact in Its stomach, besides a number of other articles which the monster had swallowed. Mr. Miller also had a shark story. Two months ago the dead body of a monster shark was washed up on the beach at Abaoo. Inside the huge mouth was found a small barrel. It was wedged so tightly that It would neither go up nor down. In the barrel, tho head of which was off. Was found all the food the fish had managed to get inside Its teeth, The barrel oaught all the food and the fish starved to death. Baltimore Anr loan.

SCHOOL AND CHURCH.

Seven ministers of the Church ol Regla4 have recently been admitted by Cardinal Manning to the Church of Koine. There are one thousand Christian Chinamen eon Hooted with the Congregational missions in California and Oregon. Spirit of Missions. In all, one hundred and thirtyfour Congregational churches have been organised in the State of Missouri, of which eighty-two remain. The shrinkage has been nearly thlrtynlud per cent Chan Chu Sing, a converted Chinaman, has been licensed as a local preacher In the Methodist Episcopal Churoh, and will engage In mission work among his own people in Los Angeles. Cal. Albion (Mich.) College is to have a "public college lectureship" for the discussion before the public of the bearing of college work on the Interests of the people social, political, scientific, industrial. Judge Keatley, of Iowa, who has made a personal inspection of the schools of Alaska, reports that there are about fourteen schools In the Territory, three of which aro for white children, the rest being for natives. A citizen of Lynn, Mas , recently onterod a protest before the school board of that place against the use of a certain text book, on the ground that tha smallness of tho type in which it was printed proved injurious to his daughter's eyes. A larger proportion of the lwys and glrls of New Jersey than any other State in the Union go tobundayschool. It appears by statistics re cently taken that there are just about 280,000 children In the 1,997 Sundayschools of New Jersey. The First Church of San Fran cisco is, in every senso, a home church, and very attractive to young men. The 1. M. C. A., a free read ing room open every evening, inviting Tisrlrii-3. and meetings of praise, are some of the accessories. The Austrian Archbishops are probably the most highly paid In tho wnrld. Tha Cardinal Archbishop of Vienna has only about 6,000 a year, hut th Cardinal Archbishop of 01muk has 40.000, the Cardinal Arch bishop of IYaeue has 35.000 and the Archbishop of Erlru X'CO.OOO. And the Primate of Hungary, the Cardinal Archbishop of Grau, has S0,000 a year. Cardinal Gibbons is reported as expressing tho hope, in a recent afterdinner speech in Philadelphia, that the day may never come "when wo shall bo obliged to call upon tho State to build our churches, for if they build our churches they may dictate to us what doctrino we are to preach or what .ve aro not to preaclu As for myself, I believe in the union of the church, and the people." The Presbyterian church In South Australia, that of Millicent, has distinguished itself by adopting a new method of paying its debt Having got the loan from a friend of sixty acres of good land, tlte minister, the Kbv. T. Cunningham, and some twenty of his flock, plowed and sowed theground, and the crop, which found a purchaser as it stood, realized $77.3, sufficient te meet the bank overdraft CAROLINA'S FAT BOY. In tha Summer He la a Skelete, In Wintar Maaster. There were several side shows connected with the North Carolina State fair, and I was much taken with a sign regarding a fat boy. It was stated that he was only fourteen years old. and weighed about four hundred pounds. I paid ray nickel to go in, and found a lad of that age,, but his weight was not over one hundred pounds. He was drosead in costume, and sat on a platform, while the showman delivered a short lecture at Intervals. "See hero." I said to him after looking the boy over, "are you deliberately swindling the public?" "How?" "By passing that kid off as a fat boy." "No, sir." "You advertise that he weighs about tcHir hundred pounds?" "Yos." "That's afalsohood. Ho won't weigh one hundred." "When?" "To-day; now; this minute." "Oh, I sen. An explanation is due you. I run a museum in New Orleans. That boy is one of my freaks. In the summer he is my skeleton and In the winter my fat boy. It takos him about six weeks to make the change, and he just began to pick up flesh last week. He was the most beautiful skeleton, you ever saw, and If you can only see him two months later you'll be dolighted at his rotundity. Ho' 11 weigh all of four hundred In two months from this." "Yes, but I came in here to see a fat boy." "Well, there he is." "But he's no fatter than any other boy of his ago. It looks to rae like a fraud." "Good heaven?, man, but do you want all the earth at once!" he gasped. "Give him time to ohange. won't you? Here, look at this lock of haircut from the head of George Washington. It's my own property, anu not on exinoitlon, but I want to satisfy yon that I am square. A skeleton weighing forty-two pounds oan't change to a fmir-hUndred-pound fat boy in an hour or a day. We extmct the public to be lentent'wlth us. Going? Well, goodbye. Come In with your family and I'll wake reduoed rates." N. Y. Sua,

PERSONAL AND LITERARY.

George Parsons Iathrop has w Helen a story dealing with aa Imaginary timft la the distant future when it will be a mueh of a distinction to be poor as it Is now to be enormously rlea. A volume of the peeou of Mr. Frederick Tennyson, eldest brother of the poet Laureate, Is among the re-p-ints in contemplation. They have become soaroe and dHHeult te procure. Dr. Joseph Taylor, of Ken Rett Square, Pittsburgh, lately flnUhed the task, begun over seventeen years ago, of reading through Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, something whioh onlv one other man has dons, aad he a Georgian. Here is a picture of Tennyson by Edward Fltxgerald, the translator of Omar Khayyam: "We have had Alfred Tennyson here; droll and wavward: and much fitting up ef nights till two and throe in the morning with pipes in our mouth; at which good hour we would get Alfred to give us some of his magie music, which he does between growling and smoking; and so to bed." One of tlte first public libraries of New Jewey was founded la 1796 in New Brunswick. The librarian's book has lately been examined, and it does not bear out the notion that in those days nothing but good solid literature was read. It is found that over a third of tho reading done was of fiction, pure and simple, though only one-eighth of the books was devoted to that branch of literature. During the first two months "The Fool of Destiny" was drawn eighteen times and "Desmond" eight Independent. The Prussian war minister recently published in two volumes a history of the colors of the Prussian army from 1807. It appears that In the campaign of 1864 and I860, ninety-nine standards were pierced by balls. In the campaign of 1870 the number of regimental colors pierced was 151. The flag of the Seventh Regiment of Infantry was hit by twenty-three balls in the eingle battle of Mars-la-Tour. In the ontlre Franco-Prussian war thirty-eight Prussian standard bearers were killed while holding their colors. John Egllngton Bailey, of Stratford, Manchester, who died last year, accumulated tho best shorthand collection in England, and It has been bought and presented to tho Manchester r roe Reference Library as the "Bailey Shorthand Collection." Wherever a book or MS. on, in or about shorthand In any language waa to be had Mr. Bailey would securo it if he could. Ib several instances every edition of the same work was bought, the entire list finally amounting to one thousand volumes. He was himself an expert stenographer. He posseesed a singular insight into the moot crabbed ol shorthands. He succeeded with ease in deciphering some of the most apparently bewildering, including thai used In Samuel Pepy's diary. His collection began with "Brlght's Characterlc" of the time of Elizabeth. HUMOROUS. now happy our neighbors might be if they would only do as we think they ought to do. Boston Courier. Patient (at Christian scientist's office) "Is the healer in?" Attendant Yes, sir; but she Is sick to-day aad can't do any business." Boston Herald. Bessie "What's the matter lathe sitting-room, Tommy?" Tommy "Oh, the usual contest between pa and ma over the speakership of the house." Burlington Free Press. Mrs. Cumso "Jimmy's always getting Into fights with other boys. I'm afraid when he grows up he'll be a professional pugilist" Mr. Cumso "I see vou don't know much about pugilists. " N. Y. Sun. First Shopping Lady "Was that a clerk or the proprietor we traded with?" Second Shopper "A clerk, certainly. Didn't you notice he said T have thlb and that line of goods. The proprietors always say 'we'." Omaha World. Deceived the dog Laura "How. did you get to the door? I'm sure papa turned the dog loose at sundown." Cholly "I just sprinkled a little whisky on my clothes and tho dog thought I was the old man himself." Terre Haute Express. Where the work comes in: Minister's wife "You haven't been out of your study an hour this week. What is the matter?" Minister "Some of the congregation say my sermons are too long, and I've been trying to write a short one." N. Y. Weekly. Physician "Now, Mrs. Smalltalk, will you let me look at your tongue?" Mrs. Smalltalk (two minutes later) "Well, doctor, why in the world don't you look i'l my tongue, If you want to, instead of writing away like a newspaper editor. How long do you expect I am going to sit here with my mouth wide open?" Physician "Just one moment more, madam. I only wanted you to keep still long enough so that I could write the prer scrlptlon." Somervllle Journal. Irate husband "For heaven's Mtke, "can't you talk about something besides dresses?" Wife "Certainly, my dear. You ought to see the bonnets thev are making nowadays at Smith's. 1 stepped in to-day and saw a beautiful thing in pink Tor only thirty-seven dollars, and others wore, of course, a good deal more expensive. A fifty -dollar gem. just took my eye, but I thought I wouldn't get one that cost as much as that before I saw you. Of course I can tnlk about something Vesldes dreeees, you dee old kubbv," -Time. -v

. i Mir (".;.