Jasper Republican, Volume 2, Number 5, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 October 1875 — Mr. Warner Tries It. [ARTICLE]

Mr. Warner Tries It.

Mr. Warner, a respectable and law abiding citizen of Baker street, rode home in an express wagon the other day, having a hand fire-extinguisher and the driver for company. “What’s that thing?” asked his wife, in contemptuous tones, as she opened the hall door. “What’s that? Why, that’s a fire-ex-tinguisher—best thing you ever saw—meant to get one a year ago.” “ Jacob, you are always making a fool of yourself,” she continued, as she shut the door. “ Every patent-right man gets around you as a cat lays for a mouse.” “Does, eh? If you knew anything at all you’d know that every store and office in Detroit has one o’ these. They’ve saved lots of buildings, and may save ours.” “You throw it at the fire, don’t you?" she aske<|, in sarcastic tones. Re carried it up-stairs into a closet without replying, and she followed on and asked: “ Does it shoot a fire out?” “ If you don’t know anything I’ll learn you something! It is full of chemicals; you strike on this knob on top and she’s all ready to open this faucet and play on the fire.” She grinned as she walked around it, and finally asked: “ Do you get a horse to draw it around ?” “No, I don’t get a horse to draw it around. You see these straps ? Well, I back up, put my arms through them, and here it is on my back.” “I see it is,” she sneered. “And can’t I run to any part of the house with it?” he demanded. “ See ——• see ?” And he cantered along the hall, into the bedrooms and out, and was turning tbo head of the stairs when his foot caught in the carpet. He threw up his arms and she grabbed at him, and both rolled downstairs. He yelled and she yelled. Sometimes he was ahead and then she took*the lead, and neither of them had passed under the “ string” when the extinguisher, bumping and jumping, began to shoot off its charge of chemicals. “You old !” she started to say, when a stream from the hose struck her between the eyes, and she didn’t finish. “What in— o-u-e-h!" roared Mr. Warner, as he got a dose in the ear. They brought up in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, the stream playing into the parlor, against the halbdoor and upstairs by turns, and she gasped: “I’ll have you sent to a fool asylum!” “ Who’s a fool?” he roared, dancing around with his eyes full of chemicals. “I’m fainting!” she squeaked. “ And I’ve broken my back!” he shouted. It was a sad house when those two highly-respectable old people got so that they could use their eyes and discuss matters calmly. And she doubled up her fist and hoarsely said: “ Take that investigator, or distinguisher, or whatever you call it, back downtown and tell everybody that you are a lunatic!” And he said: “ Blame it!” I know more than all your family put together!”— Detroit Free Frees.