Jasper Republican, Volume 1, Number 33, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 April 1875 — Little Johnny on Babies. [ARTICLE]

Little Johnny on Babies.

Babies ain’t big enuf to lick, or you wude see me a pitchin in to em, I can tell you, for I don’t like em, but wen you luke at one, and see em so little, you say now if I was to take off my cote and give you a good thrassin you cudent help yoursef, so may be you cant help being a nuisance, too. That’s wot I say wen our baby puts its gummy hands onto my face wen Ime made to set and mind him, but you jest wait till he gits as big as me, so it wude be a fair site, and then see wot He do, thats all! I spose I like that little feller, like Ime tole to, but wot does he put his gummy hands for in my face wen I kiss him? I no were there Is a baby wich is a lot older than ourn, but not morn hales so big, and it cant wok, and it cant tok, but sech dresses as that baby wears wude make yure head swim. It is in a shop windo, and it is made of whax.

I spose babies is differnt from fokes cos they dont no no better, but if I was them you wudent cetch me a puttin every thing in this world into my mouths, I can tel you, like ourn does. Mary, thats the house maid, she was a only chile wen she was to home, and she use to hay dols, but she never see a meat baby real cloce til she come to our house, and that girl was jes a stonish ol the time to see wot wude do, and it was morn a munth fore she wude tuch it.. One day Mary she come a bustin in the dinin room wen it was dinner, wits like a sheet, and hardly any breth, and she said O, if you pleas, mum, babby has went and et the nursry dore every bit up, ol but jes the nob, but wen my mother she went to see wot was the matter it was only father had tuke of the dore to mend it, and baby was a suckin a round paper wate. Such a girl! I have a other thing to tel you a bout Mary, thats the house maid. Wen she firs come to live with us one day Uncle Ned he was a plain with baby after lunchen, and he had the cork of a ale bottle a stickin on the cork scru, and he was. a lettin baby take it in its mowth. Mary she come in wile he was a doin it, and she see him' pul it out quick, and she ran in the kitchen as fas as ever she cude and brot ’Uncle Ne<F a tumbler on a tray! Tween me and you I dont bleeve that girls got any thinker!

There was a man and his wife and their little baby, and they lived by their selfs in the woods, ten hundred thousand miles from any other house. The man he hunted deers with a* gun, and the woman she stade to home to mind baby and cuke the meat. And one offle dark nite the man haddent come home, and the woman she new he had got lost, and was kil by sabbages, and et by a wile beest, and she was a frade. Bime by, way in the nite, she herd something like a little chile cryin, and a cryin, out side in the dark, some times on one side of the house, and some times not, and she said it was a spirit wich had come for baby, so she set in the middel of the room and hugged her baby, and was friten most to deth. And the Thingkep acryin, and a cryin, til her bind run cole, but her baby was a sleep in her arms, poor thing. At last she herd a nois at the windo, and she luked up and hollered, for she see two grate eyes a lukin in thru the glas, like coles of fire, and Ime that friten I cant rite any more, cos its nite, and Ime a lone, weres my mother? I’ve foun Uncle Ned, and he has lit his pipe, and he says drive ahead, Johnny, if you conjer up a fitin demon lie stan by and see fair play, wel jus then there was a gun, for it was a panther, and the man had come home and shot it. But when he went in the house his wife diddent kno him, cos she had went mad, and she had hug the little baby so tite it was dead. If Ide been her yude a saw me git the poker and wok strate upto the windo, and Ide a said Mister Panther, if you carry fire in your eyes it has got to be poked, and Ide a let him have it as fur in as I cude make it go, and said hoorayl But Uncle Ned he says wot wuda I done if I had see a notice on the windo like at the menagerie, don’t irony tite fthiweU?