Jasper Republican, Volume 1, Number 6, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 23 October 1874 — Humorous Gleanings. [ARTICLE]

Humorous Gleanings.

How to pronounce a polish name, sneeze three times and say ski. When does a man have to keep his word ? When no one will take it. This is the latest form of wedding invitations : '‘Come around and see me capture s mother-in-law at 8 o’clock, sharp.” •'Sponge baths” are recommended. The host way to get one is to go to some bathroom, take a bath and tell the proprietor to charge it. In Colorado a girl who can’t go after the cows on a bare-backed pony w.tbout bridle or halter is looked upon with-contempt. Difference between printing and publishing—You may imprint a kiss on the »*heek of a young woman, but you shouldn’t publish it. One. of the meanest little things on earth is to throw a small watermelon and hit a political speaker in the pit of the stomach just as be is explaining the Dred Scott decision. When two Georgians meet now they don’t go on about the weather, but merely exchange the-novel salutation: “Do you think that Tombs. will ever die ? Now corn, and kiss a girl with every red ear, and if you can’t get a red ear any other way, pinch it. Somebody observes that when six young ladies sit down to’talk about dress, a small boy with a tin horn is a refuge for the weary. We have serious deubts whether an exchange is correct in stating that “a train ran over a cow and cut it in calves.” Quilp, who has heretofore been a Universalist, now thinks there are two things destined to be eternally lost—his umbrella, and the man who stole it. In giving geography lessons down East, a teacher asked a boy what State ho lived in and was amused at the reply, drawled through the boy’s nose. “A state of sin and misery.” A man having a bill against a distant merchant, sent a letter of inquiry to a banker in that locality. The reply was, “He is dead ; but he pays as well as he ever did.” John Henry says that when, aftur a night of restless dreams, his wife asks him in the cool of the morning what “ante up”, and “see you two better, ' 1 mean, he even wishes that he were dead. Jones, said on his dying bed that he had never written a line which’ he eared to erase. The whole State was proud of him, but it was found out that he could not even write his own name. “I hope, Mrs. Giles,” said a lady who was canvassing ‘for a choir at the village o hurch, you will persuade your husband to join us 1 I am told, he has a very sonorous voice.” “A sonorous voice, marm t” said Mrs. Giles, “ah 1 you should hear it coming out of his nose when he’s asleep.” A fellow who hid under a sofa at an informal Boston missionary meeting, says that the thirty-five ladies spoke twice of the down-trodden heathen and more than a hundred times of a new kind of hair dye. The winter style of hat for gentlemen is made with such a stiff crown that if he goes home drunk and is struck on the head with a poker he merely thinks he grazed the halllamp as he was passing. When the Arkansas census-taker next goes around he will find Peter Dayton missing from earth. Hie old man found a package and threat it on the fire to see if it was powder or sand. It wasn’t sand. The other night he slipped In about 1 o’clock very softly, denuded himself gently and began rocking the cradle by the bed side as if be had been aw&kaned out of a sound Bleep by infantile eries. He had rocked away for fire minutes, when Mary Jane, who had silently observe! the whole maneuver, said: “Come to bed you fool, you! the baby ain’t there.”