Jasper Republican, Volume 1, Number 5, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 October 1874 — Humorous Gleanings. [ARTICLE]

Humorous Gleanings.

A confectioner advertises -‘paroxysmal kisses.” It has been noticed that nothing makes a woman laugh so much as a new set of teeth. ■\ 'id. '. ‘i What bankers were hard* at off during the late panic 7 Those who oouldn’t even pay one a little attention Pretty women Often do an immense amount of mischief. Even woman’s laughter often produces man -slaughter. What is the difference between a b ile aod a burglar ? One wears fa.se locks and the other false keys. “Had you air,” said Snyder to a dilatory carpenter, “been thereto build the ark, we we should not have had the flood yet.” Ary y<*ung lady who wishes to raise a moustache can always do so when site kisses a young man whos got one. There is hope for man w jo ch< ws caraway. No matter to what position he aspires, he krill suck seed. To make a dog add, Inti ltiply, or subtract, tio up one of his paws, and he will put down three andc&rrypne. * r An Easters debatiig society is trying to settle which is the hardest to heap, a diary or an uaibrella. The milkmen of Michigan will hold a a state convention, Motions to a churn are always in order. An Omaha paper advises the people “not to make such a fuss about the shooting of one constable, as there are over forty candidates for the office. “Don’t be angry with as, darling,” is an appropria e sen for a man to sing after he has blackened both of his wife’s eyes. It goes to show he is a man of fine feeling, “My hand is not a lemon, oeray lips deer meat,as the young lady said to her escort when they parted at the door the other night. Why did' she speak thusly f “Another hot. in them 'pants!" saida fond mother to her young hopeful. “ W hat dreffulon-kneesy you aits IT, A Pennsylvania child .s said tohave inherited the eyes and now of his father, but the cheek of his uncle, who is an insurance agent.

“Mary Jane, hsve you given the gold fish lresh water?” “No, ma’am Whet’s the use; they haven’t drank up what’s in there yet.” An unsophisticated person once declined a plate of macearoni soup, with the remark that they “oouldn’t palm off biled pipe stems on him.”

The premium engraving iaued by “Feteraoas Magazine,” for 1878, la real y one of tL> (iw«i beautiful and costly we have ever seen. It is not one of tboee cheap, color* d lithographs, with which the market is fooded but a first-class line and mezz mint engraving, executed in the highest style, of the art, after an original picture by J. W. Ehninger, and cost, as the publisher assures us, two thousand dollars in all. No premium or equal value, he asserts, will be offered by any magazine for 1876 The subject b “Washington’s First Interview With His Wife.” The story is quits romantic. Washington, on his way to join Gen. Braddock, to the greet French end Indian war of 1766, stopped, with his orderly, at the White House, ziaoc so oelebrated in the Virginia -.mpiiguft of McClellan, Ist and Grant.— Here he met a young and beautiful widow, with whom he w >s so facinated, that the orderly, instead of being summoned with n half an hour, ns he had expected, led Washington’s horse up and down, nearly all day, while his enamored master was listening to the gay sallies of the charmiug Mrs. Custis. — The result is n matter of history. Mrs. Custis became the wife of the great hero, and was known in after years as Lady Washington. This is a picture that ought to be in every household. You can get it gratia by raising a club for “Peterson” for 1875, orTTy remitting $2.50 for it and for the magazine. This is a rare chance.