Jasper Banner, Volume 4, Number 21, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 22 July 1857 — Tumorous. [ARTICLE]

Tumorous.

Ujt* The great business of life is to watch over yourself. Second thoughts have novelty to guard against them. Kj"‘\Papa, have guns got legs ? ” “ Nflp’j “ How do they kick, then ?’ ’ “ With their breeches, my son.” Why, good morning Mrs. Hogg, and how are all tho little piggies ? ” “ Quite well, I thank you, Mr. Colt, but how is the old mare ?” OCT* There is so great a charm in friendship that there is even a kind of pleasure in acknowledging ourself duped by the sentiment it inspires. [C7“ An Irishman being told tb?U the price of bread had fallen, exclaimed : This is the first time, be jabers, that I eVer rejoiced at the fall of my bestfriend.” OCT 3 What is the difference between a candle in the mammoth cave and a dance in a public house ? The one is a taper in a cavern and the other is a caper in a tavern. OCT 3 An Irish jockey, who was “ fetlock deep in the turf,” being elated at his success in winning a race, observed: “By my soul, lam at last; I’ve always been behind before." 027*.“ Is molasses good for a cough?” inquired Jones, who had taken a slight cold, and was barking with considerable energy. “ It oughtto be,” said Brown; ‘it is sold for consumption I ” ' • OCT 3 A young thief who Was charged the other day with picking pockets, demurred to the indictment, “for that, whereas he had never picked pockets, but had always taken them just as they came.”. DCr 3 The people of are so indolent that they open pearl-pods with an oyster knife. In driving horses, thev always have two men to each quadruped— one to hold the reins, and the other to cry “ whoa ! ” OCT 3 Brother Jonathan thus describes a steamboat: “ It’s got a saw-mill on one side and a gristmill t’other, and a blacksmith shop in the middle; and down cellar there’s a tarnation great pot boiling all the time.” DCr* “ I like you,” said a girl to her suitor, “ but I cannot leave home ; I am widow’s only darling ; no husband can equal my parent in kindness.” “ She is kind,” replied the wooer, “ but be my wife ; we will all live together, and see if I don’t beat your mother! ” OCT 3 “ Jimmy, are your folks all well ?” “ Yes, ma’am, all but Sally Ann.” “ What’s the matter with her?” “Oh, nothing particular—only she had the hooping-cough once, and she haint never got over it. The cough haint any account now, but she has the hoop desperate.” OCT 3 A gentleman thought he’d like something painted in the hall of I a new house, and chose the Israelites pariKßg the Red HircrF' gaged a man for the job, whS went to work and painted the hall red.; “Nice color,” said the employer,! “but where are the “Oh,” replied the painter, “they have passed over!” • OCT 3 One pleasant Sabbath morning, while a minister was on his way to church, he found the sidewalk occupied by a number of boys, playing marbles, upon which he stopped short and exclaimed : “ What, boys, playing marbles on the Sabbath day ! why, you frighten me ! ” Upon which a hardened little sinner looked up and answered : “frightened, ha! why in the d—— l don’t you run. then ?" OCT 3 A good story is told of a sheriff who came near being outdone in politeness by a person whom it was in his line of duty to hang “Sir,” said- the gentleman, as the sheriff was carefully adjusting the rope, “really your attentions dcserye my thanks. In fact, Ido not know of any one I should rather have to hang me.” ; Really,” said the sheriff, “you are pleased to be complimentary. I do not know of another individual it would give me so much pleasure to hang.” - ■_ * - Froth.—About the hardest case we ever heard of was a murderer naiped Stone, who was executed many years since in Exter, N. 11. Just before the rope was placed arpund his jqeck, he requested the ehiwiff to give him a mug of ale. The wretch’s dying request being promptly acceded to, he tobk the mug and commenced bio wing 4 the froth from ihe ale. “ What are you doing that for ? ” nervously asked the sheriff. Because,” returnhd tfifr Perfect Wretch, “ I don’t think frothisliealthy. "—Toledo Commercial.