Jasper County Democrat, Volume 21, Number 18, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 June 1918 — SCRAPS of HUMOR [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SCRAPS of HUMOR

Explained at Last. Mr. Flatbush —iVhy in the world does a woman always get off a street car the wrong way. Mrs. Flatbnsh —She doesn’t. “Of course she does. Instead of facing the way the car is going, she faces the other way.” “That’s because the conductor takes her beyond the street she wants to get off at, and of course she wants to face the way she’s going.”

More Imposition. “Mrs. Diggs is going to read an important paper before her literary club.” “Ah! In that case, Professor Diggs will have to drop his scientific Investigations for a while.” “He won’t be compelled to hear her read it, will he?” “No, but he’ll probably have to write 1L” Probably. The old colored man had climbed into the dentist’s chair. “Shall I give you laughing-gas, uncle?” queried the tooth doctor. “Not till the toof am out, boss,” replied the old man. “Reckon mebby Ah'll feel mo’ lak laffin’ den.” Vernacular. “Why did you discharge your cook?” “She said she wouldn’t be reprimanded.” “Did she express herself to that effect?” “Yes, but whaLshe really said was, ‘I won't take no sass offen nobody.’ ”

Point Blank. Jack —And when I proposed at the dance she asked for time to think it over. What do you suppose she did that? Bess —Well, a girl naturally hates to think of disagreeable things while enjoying herself.

A HINT.

Daughter—Yes, papa. Father —Then ask him to bring ini the morning paper before he goes, will you, dear? Exactly. By subterfuge he away From cops on the qui vive, And so became, as one might say, A subterfugitive. A Proud Declaration. “I miss the well-rounded periods yott used to employ in your orations.” “I may be shy on well-rounded periods,” replied Senator Sorghum, ‘‘but you will notice that I come to a full stock quicker.” A Final Opinion. ‘‘What did you think of the technique of the prima donna last night, Mrs. Comeup?” “Why, it was all old style. It even was buttoned down the back.” Mutual. Grace —Percy says his dog is as intelligent as he is. Dolly—Oh, there’s no doubt about it. Percy is proud of the dog and the dog is proud of Percy.

Nowadays. Beggar—Could you spared hungry man a nickel? Cholly—Yes, if you’ll tell me where a man can buy anything to eat with a nickel. Rustic Plutocracy. “Thousands of dollars pass through a bank teller’s hands daily.” “That’s nothing. Think of what passes through a farmer’s hands who milks twenty cows.” In These Days. “It’s as useless as the fifth wheel to a wagon.” “That adage is out of date. All automobiles carry extra tires.”

Learning. She’s learning farming By degrees; She thought potatoes Grew on trees. Advice. “I want to educate Gwendolin so that she can make home happy for some good man,” said the mother. “All right,” replied the father. “Start in now by helping her to cultivate an aversion to cats, canaries and rubber plants.” Strong Attraction. “Daubson says that the last time one of hiS pictures was exhibited a crowd gathered in front of it.” “That’s true. An old woman who was employed in the hall had a fit on* the floor right under Daubson’s masterpiece.” i Never Seen Together. “Is Jack Glithers still going with) that dashing Miss Peacher?” “Why, no. Haven’t you heard thane ws?” “Tell me.” “They are married now.”

Hard Pressed. Ben Brokeleigh—Darling, let us get; married at once. I positively can’t live another day without you. Gertie Gotrox —Why, Ben, I had noj Idea you were that hard up. Seems So. “What Is the word that Is not In the j bright lexicon of youth?” asked the) forgetful fnan. “Work,” answered the wealthy fa-i ther of a tango expert. 5T The Difference. Mrs. Gay—l have a knocker on the outside of my door. Mrs. Grouch —11l bet it’s nothing to compare with the knocker rvelgot-on. the inside of mine.