Jasper County Democrat, Volume 19, Number 82, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 January 1917 — PHILOSOPHY OF WALT MASON [ARTICLE]

PHILOSOPHY OF WALT MASON

How tiresome and punk is the fly Of December, which hangs on to life when it ought to be dead! A nuisance much greater I cannot remember, it ruins my temper and makes me see red. When spoozing I lie, o’er my forehead it passes, and over my features its progress it makes; its feet are as sticky as sorghum molasses, and tickles like blitzen; the slumberer wakes. In vain are all efforts to scare it or shoot it; a swatter I choose, from the summertime pile, and then o’er the tables and chairs I pursue it, and mash in its head when I’ve trotted a mile. Then back to my couch I repair, with the feeling that I have awarded the last fly its dose; I snooze, and a fly ambles down from the ceiling, and climbs up my whiskers and over my nose. And then I rear up and disclose that I’m master of language that smokes when exposed to the air; I shatter the windows and big chunks of plaster fall down from the ceiling and clutter my lair. Oh, would that sea captains and pilots could con me! L shake up the welkin and rend it until my wife ties a’ poultice of flaxseed upon me, and puts me to sleep with a chlorodyne pill.