Jasper County Democrat, Volume 19, Number 27, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 July 1916 — CANDERBONE'S FORECAST [ARTICLE]

CANDERBONE'S FORECAST

JULY July gets its name from Julius Caesar, whose name is called the greatest in history. He devoted a great deal of thought to his monument, and finally decided to give his name to the month in which he was born. He had just conquered Egypt, and the pyramids had not impressed him as being a permanent memorial like hot weather. He thought we would always have more or less hot weather, and to be inseparably associated with it in the popular mind struck him as the best possible safeguard against being forgotten. He was laughed at in an age when every JiLher great man was projecting his fame down the corridors of time in some conventional manner, but time lias abundantly proven the wisdom >bf his choice. The foundation of his fame was laid by his campaign against Gaul. Rome had been annoyed a great deal by bandits in that quarter, and Caesar was finallysent across the border to exterminate them. & He had no more than fairly gotten into the country before the people, who had promised to help him, began to be troublesome, and some of his men were finally massacred by the Aquitanians, who had been a particularly bowlegged lot in the attempted co-opera-tion. The result was war, in which Caesar performed his historic feat of dividing Gaul in three parts. The extent of his undertaking may be judged from his own commentaries, in which he says that the Belgians, who are still holding out in the present war in Europe, were among those whom lie whipped. He subsequently conquered England, which no one has since been able to do; but he never got very far with the Germans. After hitting their line a few times without being able to punch a hole in it, he concluded that they were not in sympathy with the bandits and would probably have caught them had they come thenway. Xo satisfactory study of Caesar remains, He seems to have been a man very much like Mr. Roosevelt, but was more fortunate for having been assassinated at the ehight of his career. He formed a third partyon an occasion when lie was not nominated for some office lie wanted, and when he abandoned the party and all the friends who had-fol-lowed him into it by selling out. Brutus and some others who bad given u p everything for hftn laid for him by the Pillar of Pompey- and cut him up into mincemeat. Marc Antony said the trouble with Caesar was that he wanted everybody else to stay put, but would not permit other people to feel that they could lay their hands on him.

Tlie festive calf will show us how The Carranzistas will skidoo, And smoke from that unhappy row Will paint the skies a darker hue. T. Roosevelt and his four boys. With both his son-in-laws as well. Will add their shouts to all the noise And make the welkin ring a spell The hired man will’pitch the hay As if with each terrific thrust Before his righteous anger lay A Greaser dying in the dust. The trains will rattle by with troops On rushing to the Rio,Grande, And some of our blood-curdling whoops Will palsy Europe’s bloody hand.

The warring kaisers and the kings, for all their shot and all their shell, will littld knew of these fell things until they hear our battle yell. There won’t be any poison gas or kindred monkey business here, nor any Zeppelins to pass above us when the night is clear. We’ll simply knock the daylights out of whomsoever first shed gore, and chase Carranza’s

men about with Funston going on before. It can’t much matter, once begun, how good a cause we have to fight; we need to learn to use a gun and sleep upon the ground at night. Were soft and wholly unprepared for what the times, it seems, require; we need to have our anger aired, and glow with military fire. It is not what we would have chose, but since it is our mortal lot, we’ll simply don our fighting clothes and shew the planet what we’ve got. Our notion of the matter is that war is that where they excel whose shrapnel make the greatest whizz and all the moneyed people dwell. \Vfve watched the war in Europe rage upon the front and on the flank, and where they finally engage for settlement is at the bank. We wouldn’t give in this fell pass John Kockefeler and his son for any cause, though it outclass in glory anything we’ve done. It may be true that right prevails, but right is often in dispute; analysis of it sometimes fails, and no man knows its attribute. We'd rather have the Morgan bank, the Guggenheims and Charii-l Schwab, or even Ford, for all a crank, in undertaking such a job. W e notice that across the seas the white book stage has passed along; they're not debating, if you please, the question now of right and wrong. They’ve quit palavering of God, as men get down to old bedrock, and the one will win who has the odd pound sterling in his old yarn sock.

At any rate the summer girl Will long for those who held her hands, Their hearts aflame, their heads awhirl. In other years upon the sands. Another war will boost the price Of war beyond its weight in dust, The binder's music will suffice To make the farmers’ reason bust. The college graduate will flit From shock to shock with pith and punch, The hired man will feed him grit And boot heels getting into lunch, We ll all proclaim our mortal hurts And go in quest of someone’s gore. And Susie will sew twice the shirts For soldiers that she sewed before.

Independence, which has usually been celebated at home, will be celebrated in Mexico this year. It is thought that after having about the same experience we have had with it the Mexicans will join us in the movement for a sane and safe Fourth. The battle between the pacittstic morning stars, led by Jupiter, and the warlike evening stars, led by Mars, has ended in a victory for Mars and his associates, and there will be a new grouping to see what can be done to make Mr. Rockefeller let go of some of his money on the Bth, when he will be 77 years old. Saturn will join Mars and Venus for this purpose until the Izih, when it will take its place with Jupiter and Mercury as a morning star. There is great hope of the combination in which Mars, Venus and Saturn are to work. They are all very terrifying stars, and the least expected of them is that they will reduce the price of gasoline. The moon will be full on the 14th. Mr. Roosevelt will stand guard. The pass word will be Ouch. Mr. Hughes will break his silence on the 4th and the 20th. Mr. Wilson will get out regular notes on the Ist, 15th and 30th. Gen. Brushemoff will be the hero again this month in Europe. The first 22 days of July will be under the influence of Cancer the Crab, the fourth sign of the zodiac. People born in the period of this sign have acquisitiveness. Mr. Rockefeller is an example of what they can do. They are not great fighters, but they can finance wars, which has been found useful. The last nine days of the month will be under the influence of Taurus the Bull, the fifth sign of the zodiac. The Taurians are impulsive, but cautious. That is, they march in preparedness parades, but one sees very little of them around recruiting stations.

Then August will come down the road In Father Time’s tin Lizzie, And all the wars on man’s abode Will wax extremely busy.