Jasper County Democrat, Volume 17, Number 85, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 January 1915 — GANDERBONE’S FORECAST. [ARTICLE]

GANDERBONE’S FORECAST.

Ganderbone injured himself while skating in December, and was unable to get out a forecast for January. He is very sorry, and promises to carry something soft to fall on while skating in future. FEBRUARY'. ■ I. Friends of a season somewhat mild—Arctomys Monax, by your leave! Here j s one who has never filed .. Any prediction to deceive. Known as the groundhog ere the ■ seers, - ~ . Pajd by the government, ’were here— , .. ... i'rophet and reader of -t,he: years, Arctomys Monax speaks a word. " ’ H. Arctomys Monax makes a ppint— Who is so cruel as to scoff? Now that the times are out of joint. Could we not kindly let him off? He is at heart a neutral, too,• Here where , the fruits of peace obtain— Here where the skies are soft and blue—Arctomys Monax will explain. in. Sa\ that his prophecy shall mean Cheers for the Russian in his furs! Say that the grass is soon to green, And that the German’s valor stirs Say that the ide, or that the snow, Means an" advantage anywhere—Things that we else ar.e not to know— What is a neutral’s duty there? IV, Friends of a fair and neutral state, Earth is red, and the ocean deep, Throngs with the armaments of hate— Arctomys Mcnax wants to sleep. Arctomys cares him not a whit Either for Turk or Romanoff, Nor would he aid them with his wit— Could we not kindly Jet him off?

February gets its name-from the Roman Februus, who was a character very much like our own James J. Hill. Whenever there vyas a trade conference to consider a shipping bill or anything of that sort, Febfuus was always there to say it would be a failure. From the lew ousts of him found in damp cellars and other cheerless places, they also seem to have looked alike. Februus was nevertheless popular. His- gloominess never varied a hair’s breath, and Rome often amused herself trying to make him smile. February was Rome’s worst month. The imperial army was usually stormbound somewhere, the’ Mays jvere short and as a rule without sunlight, and preparations for the, Annual assassinations in Mgrch were so open that everybody in public office was down in the mouth. No other nation ever yearned for spring as Rome did. On. the second of February, when the groundhog came out, the crowd around the hole was bigger than that at the hippodrome, tnd a favorable forecast was a sign for tremendous jubilation.

The festive calf will turkey trot On sunny days around the stack, And something of the soldier’s lot Will sift down everybody’s back. The old philosopher will bore Jlis friends with ■ tales of other snows; The plumber. preying on the poor, Will tool around in tailored vlothes; c -i The man who got himjself in deep Will look to Lent to pay his. debts, And all the kings will try to keep The trenches filled with cigarettes. The war by this has settled down to fighting as a stead thing, and all

good soldiers of renown, are simply soldiering till spring. One can’t do anything on skates, or scatter cinders all-about; nor is it likely that the Fates would hear to freezing people out. One has to pretty well observe the open season as to men, or else how were we to conserve the stock for fighting now and then? Dame Nature makes but few . mistakes; she khows full well the heart of man, nor any pretense that he makes deceives her, even for a span. Or dressed in skins or hardboiled shirts, however civilized or base, we all at length shall have our hurts, and fight it out, in any case.

When spring shall come to tune the lyre for poets bending to their strings, the warring world shall open fire and fight the grievances of kings. A few will claim the aid of God, a few with Buddha will array, and others, weilding Allah’s rod, will lay about them as they may. The heathen On his distant isle will lounge in ocean’s balmy lap, and watch with ever growing smile the .civilizing pations scrap. lie’ll mark the dark and surging throng, and with a somewhat wrinkled brow, will quaintly wonder what was wrong with his religion, anyhow. ' • It won’t be' easy to explain These things in Burmali and Ceylon, And foreign missions, in the main, Will have their troubles getting on. The things of idols often said Are very true in most respects, But one has still to little dread The vars of civilizing sects. If all the progress we would share Amounts to this, our brethren all Will grab their adpls by the hair, And deftly beat it to the tall.

February will be an interesting month at Washington. A grave problem will arrive in town on every train, and join the line of grave problems in/ front of the White House. There have been times when our presidents have had little to do but hunt bears or play golf, but that will not be the case durihg February. There will be Villa to watch. Villa will arrive with his army in northern Mexico early in the month, and will begin whatever he is doing all over again. One. cannot help being interested in Villa’s system. He proceeds- so far along a certain line, and when he finds himself confused, cr in doubt,, he goes back to the starting point,. and sets' out again. Tliis will be his third tiriie out. There will also.be the problem of what is conditional contraband. We have that problem to settle with England. It seems foodstuffs, for instance, bound for Ger-hiany, are not contra band if the army is not to consume them. To settle the question of what is for the army and what is for the civil population, it will be necessary to determine if the army likes the same things.the civil population likes. Thus, who eats pompernickel? If we can satisfy England that a German soldier never eats pompernickel, we can ship all the pompernickel we want. The only way to settle this question, in our opinion, is to induce Germany to lend us a soldier and a civilian, and conduct our experiments here in the presence of the German and British embassies. Then there is the shipping bill. That has to be settled. Mr. Wilson wants to invest thirty million dollars of government money in a merchant marine.. Before this can be done it will be necessary to satisfy congress that the government will get its money back. This is going to necessitate a great deal of investigation as to the tendency of money to come back, especially once it' has escaped to the high seas. February is going to be no time for birdshot at Washington, nor will it be a good time to make Chautauqua engagements for next summer. The win'd will meanwhile play a wild, Deep dirge of Winter in the trees, And Superdreadnoughts, gr imly styled. Will keep the vigil of the seas. The hired man will venture out in seven pairs of pantaloons, And great debates will rage about The open -box containing prunes. The ready federal reserve Will give to trade its old-time 1 swing, And watchful ’ poets will observe A fe'w bold auguries of spring. There will be no full moon in February, something that will not happen again in centuries. Having been full twice in January, the moon will join the now celebrated dry movement. Then- evil-doing March, alas, When Pan shall play upon ■ his gourds, And wild geese in their glee shall pass Above us like a troop of Fords.