Jasper County Democrat, Volume 17, Number 78, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 January 1915 — Luke McLuke’s Philosophy. [ARTICLE]

Luke McLuke’s Philosophy.

[Cincinnati Enquirer], About one iuan jn each 16,000 is satisfied. The other 9,999 either have too much or not enough. No matter how fast a girl is fleeing from temptation she always pulls up in front of a millinery window. A man who leaves college with A. 8., A.M., LL. 8., LL. M., and a string of other degrees tagged on to hjs feme imagines that he is some big dog. Then he will go and get married and his wife will add the P. p. degree to the list. And P. D. means poor dub. / Every man knows a lot of remedies that he is always recommending to other people but wouldn't think of faking himself. ... A Chicago University hibrow asks: "Can a man he happy alone?” He can, but not if his wife knows it. Every clerk knows that if the boss made the office force undergo an efficiency examination, the clerk would run first and the manager last. Lots of people who wouldn’t work for you for $2 per day are perfectly willing to attend to your business for nothing. What has become of the old-fash-ioned bride who was ashamed of her store hair and hid it from her busband?

A man who bps patience enough to sit down for a year and a halt and color a meerschaum pipe hasn’t patience enough to devote a minute and a half to undressing one of the children at night. Some men are too thin-blooded to work in winter and too thlek-blooded to work in summer. The old-fashioned girl whose face was her fortune now has a daughter who travels on her shape. Common ordinary diseases like smallpox will snuggle up to you without even asking your name. But a high brow disease like kleptomania must know your social status and see your bank account before it will condescend to make your acquaintance. Cheep up! The cost of everything else has gone up, but happiness and Smiles and kind words are as cheap as ever. No matter how far down and out a mdn may be, he can always truthfully brag that there was a time when he rode in his own carriage. When a man wants a new hat he goes into a store for two minutes and comes out with an up-to-date lid on his dome. When a woman wants a new hat she goes Into a store for an hour and tries on all the “creations” and comes out with some up-to-date ideas to use in making over the old lid she is wearing. The fellow who doesn't know enough to write a capital “1” when he is writing about himself always knows enough to use a capital “I” when he is talking about himself. The old-fashioned woman who used to give Castor oil to a sick baby now has a married daughter who gives the Castor oil to a sick fern. If a woman ever did succeed in making herself just like one of the pictures in a fashidli magazine every horse in town would run away if she went out on the street.

After you get to know somd hien you wonder why they do not have holes in the brims of their hats so that their ears will get a chance to grow to their proper length. A man can’t see why the bedbug was ever created. But that is just what a flea thinks about a hairless dbg. A woman can take one look at another woman and tell whether she is a real blonde or a peroxide affair. But a man has to marry her before he can tell the difference.

You can’t tell anything about a woman. She will spend two hours roasting her husband and telling him what a no-Count, two-cent pup he is, until he gets mad and slams the doof and goes out. Then she will sit down and write a long letter to her mother and tell her what a grand man her husband is and how thoughtful and generous he is, and how happy they are.

When one of the children is seriously ill, father will tell mother to go to bed and h.e will stay up. Then fatherj will sit around and read for a few hours and then sneak off to bed. And as soon as mother hears father snoring she will get up and watch the child all night and then prepare breakfast as though nothing had happened. And father will go down town and go around hunting for sympathy by stating that he didn’t get a wink of sleep all night because he had to stay up and nutse a sick child.

There was a time when men wore plumes and sashes and tights on the street. But tp their credit let it be said that their clothes never fastened in the back. Any real boy can wear out three pairs of shoes while he is wearing out one box of shoe polish.