Jasper County Democrat, Volume 16, Number 89, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 7 February 1914 — GANDERBONE’S FORECAST. [ARTICLE]

GANDERBONE’S FORECAST.

FEBRUARY. As ! went up to old St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives. The seven spears stuck out behind And waved defiance in the wind. 1 he seven hats which Ix»re the spears Suspended from the seven ears. The seven skirts, with fine eclipse. Wound down the seven pair of hips. The seven slits, with ryhthmic sweeps, Displayed their seven little peeps. The seven dainty pair of feet Went l sweetly mincing up the street. Poor man! thought I: but lo! a glance " Revealed him in one-legged pants! j They bore a patch on which the flap Flew up and down with each foot- | tap. | His pettipahts were very blue. ! And one could see them peeking through. His knees were jammed, but lo! he still ‘ . Went caterpillar down the hill. 1 He 9ort of did the castle walk, 1 Exciting turbulance and talk. | He tangoed when he saw a cop, And gamboled hippity and hop. He even used, absurd enough, The other pants leg as a muff. He wore a sword behind his ear, And someftimes swished it in the rear. ■ As I went up to old St. Ives, , I met a rnan with seven wives; And ev'ry one of them was mad — He had It on them, so he bad.

Xuma believed there should be a time of year for the trusts to set themselves right, and he accordingly added to the calendar the month of February, so called from Februus, the god of expiation and purification. It was his intention to have 30 days in the month, but after 28 days the trusts had all availed themselves of amnesty on the understanding that there had been an obvious change in public sentiment, and he, therefore, took the two extra days and set them afloat in the calendar, to lodge where they would. Xuma was in many respects the greatest economist and political theorist the world has ever known. He not only invented money, or numismatics, but subsequently made it elastic. His currency bill, which he put through the Roman senate soon after he went on the throne, was a model of perspicacity at a time when the world was in financial chaos. The only problem of his time which he did not solve w*as the location of his regional banks after the currency rbill was passed. This took a soldier rather than a political scientist, and it was passed by all the rulers of Rome until Caesar. Caesar, who feared nothing, located the banks, after centuries of dispute. He was promptly assassinated by Brutus, Casca and other champions of cities w'hich didn’t get any, but his courage availed for the purposes of a sound and nicely disseminated finance, and Rome became at once the banker of the world.

The waking groundhog will essay To fix the opening of spring, And in the hope of that glad day The calf will do the Highland fling. The Democrats will pass the match And calmly dynamite the trusts, The poet ’neath his humble hatch will piece the season put with crusts. The weather man will try to spread The winter where we’ve been without. And the Mexicans will whistle lead And other pleasantries about. There is no peace in that dread land, nor shall there be till someone hot "ith non-manana tries his hand at jumping in the boiling pot. Our fellows take a town or two, and when we think the sun has set for Huerta and his bloody crew, they stop to smoke a cigarette. To follow' up advantages gained is wholly foreign to their style: the custom, it may be explained, is first to fight, then rest a while. When Villa’s army wins a fight, and all the foe

is in despair, he does not try with all his might to end the matter then And there. Xay. nay. Pauline; but when pursuit would bag'them like so many sheep. Tie blows the « histle not to shoot and says the enemy will ee; l . Ther • is no rush in Mexico — tomorrow', is • s good as now; or whether there is corn to hoe, or in > i " • • -'lasting, row, Someone who worked ten hours a day and put ip seven days a week would clear those war clouds all aWay before the foe had time to shriek. They must have time 10 lay about, to hit the bottle and to pb. and if somebody cleaned them our. they'd all die calling him a scab. But be that as it haply may, st Valentine's will come around, and grim mementoes of the day will universally abound. Our Air. Bryan will receive a souvenir from Speaker Clark, the fickle bachelor Will grieve for offering a shining mark, the trusts will send the President all sorts of pretty little things, the suffragettes will try to vent their wrath on premiers and kings, the monk will sigh within his cell for thought of bliss beyond his cage, the busy populace will yell with alternating joy and rage, the man who turns the comics out will linger w here the trees are tall, and the widow, in her sly redoubt, will blow her sweet, seductive call.

The Valentine, that Huerta sends to Wilson ought to be a peach, and Taft and Teddy, those good friends, she weather prophets, all at sea, should give us all another screech, will try to blow each other up, the never-tiring Carnegie will send an ugly one to Krupp, the man who pays an income tax will get up one for t’ncle Sam, the discontented money quacks will shake their gory oriflamme, the wicked tango will defy the Puritan and all his kind, and the wild goose will go up in the sky with springtime pushing him behind. . ( The busy congress will employ Its waking hours with busting trusts, And all the poor will yell for joy Of getting butter on their crusts. The host in Panama will sigh For thought of coming days of ease, The army will feed pumpkin pie To Huerta’s stranded refugees, The eager poet will decry The early migrants as they pass, And the stomach will begin to cry For curly dock and sassafras. There will be two notable birthday celebrations in February. The anniversary of Washington, who told the

truth, will be observed on the twen-ty-second, and that of Lincoln, who told stories, will be celebrated on the twelfth. The children will be advised to celebrate Washington’s birthday, while grown people, w-ho like something with more point to it, will observe Lincoln’s. The moon will be full on the tenth. Jupiter, who has been the evening star for several months, will resign that post to Mars, who will see what he can do with the Mexican war. Until the twentieth the month will be under the influence of Aquarius the Water Carrier, the eleventh sign ‘ of the zodiac. Persons born under Aquarius are for Bryan on the grape juice platform. The last ten days of the month will be underE.the influence of Pisces the Fish, the last sign of the zodiac. Persons born under this sign will tell fish stories, but like Washington, who was one of them, they' will not tell lies. There will be only 28 days in February, but with Roosevelt gone it will seem a good deal longer. And then March will hither fare With Lenten days and sunny, And all the syndicates will swear To give up making money.