Jasper County Democrat, Volume 16, Number 81, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 January 1914 — OLD PAP PINKHAM [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

OLD PAP PINKHAM

Adventures of the Best Postmaster on Earth. AS RELATED BY HIMSELF, A Letter to the President In Which la Revealed a Spartan Determination to Weather the Storm of Criticism Raised by a Hostile Press. By M. QUAD. [Copyright, 2513. by Associated Literary Press.] MY Dear Mr. President—Since your inauguration and my reappointment as postmaster of this town of Jericho the following incidents have trod upon each others* heels: 1 have been called a dura IT- by Elder Bascomb. I have been knocked down by Deacon Goodhue. I have three times been mobbed by the suffragettes. I have been thrown out of Liberty hall five times, and it has always taken a pint of arnica each time to soothe the contusions. I have been* stoned on the street at night. I have had red ink spattered on the front door of my house as a sign that my red blood is to be shed. I have had the tail of my pig cut off and nearly all my hens stolen. I have lost all my trade at the grocery in dill pickles and baked beans. My name has been mentioned in prayers at prayer meetings. I have been bitten by dogs and kicked by steers. I have been called a turncoat and a flopdoodle. The Crowning Insult. I have beeu warned by anonymous letters that when the hour came for the uprising of and daughters of freedom I would be the first son of a gun to be brained with an ax. All the above and more, Mr. President. besides the personal sufferings of Mrs. Pinkham, who was expelled from tlie Liberty. Blood aud Litetary society, because she would not mix my bichloride of mercury tablets with my cough drops! Don’t get the idea. Mr. President, that lam going back on you. When I flopped from the G. O. P. to the party in power it was a flop to stay , flopped. I am as firm as a rock, and, like all the rest of the political enthusiasts, 1 am all there as long as my office holds out. It is that I want a surcease from this troubling and to bring the Jericho postoffice up to the high standard set by me the first week. I must .admit that the complaints of the citizens that postal matters have gone to the bad since 1 took up politics are well founded. As you are now firmly intrenched and have got the whip hand, 1 feel that I can make a change without peril to

either of us. 1 hereby call your attention to the following advertisements, cut from the pages of the Jericho Howler, the leading weekly paper of this part of the state. It is neutral in politics. Read this: A Victim of Publicity. ‘To the citizens of Jericho and surrounding country: This is to Inform you that another barrel of hard cider has just been tapped at the postoffice, and its contents are free to all callers. The postmaster does not watch you while you drink. Only postoffice in the known world keeping free cider on tap. Your patronage respectfully solicited.” And this: Old Pap Pinkham, postmaster, wishes in this public manner to correct an impression that has got abroad that he is running this postoffice in the interests of the old church at the corner. Nothing could be farther from the truth. While old Pap is a member of that church and is expecting to go skyward by that particular route, he does not mingle religion and business. He has a smile of welcome for all, even for well known sinners, and will as promptly hand ont the mail of a hog thief, as a churchman. Call anv time.” And this: “Old Pap Pinkham has arranged to sleep on a cot in the postoffice every night in the year after this, and any one wishing stamps or to inquire what quarter the moon is in can waken him up at any old hour and it will be all r ight. Only postmaster in the world

tnat sleeps with a mail bag for a pillow! * A Public Philanthropist. And this: “Take notice: Four more rockingchairs. making nine in all, have been placed in the corridor of the postoffice by old Pap Pinkham at his own expense. They are for the use of the old and infirm while they wait No objections to their holding down the chairs and visiting for two or three hours. Only postoffice on the globe provided with easy chairs. Make a note of this when you want anything in old Pap’s line.” ' And this: "There are at least forty checker players in Jericho, and up to the present time there has been no place at which they could gather and cuss the rich and the high cost of living and play the game. Old Pap Pinkham, postmaster, hereby announces that he has hired the vacant cooper shop next door to the pastoffice and fitted it up as a checker club free to all players. “Such mottoes as ‘God Bless Our Home’ greet the eye on every side. “Hot or cold cider and not a cent to pay! “•No interference from the United States government in case of a row! “The place has been made sound proof, and all kinds of cuss words will be permitted! “Wives who come looking for their (husbands at midnight will be furnished w>th bludgeons! “Only postoffice on the face of the earth with a checkerboard annex. Don't let Hawkins, the druggist, make you believe he has got something just as good.” And this: “During the coming winter our popular postmaster will give the patrons of his office a free sleigh ride to Dobbs Ferry and back every Saturday evening. Sleighs capable of holding 100 people will be on hand at the postoffice. “No crowding! No strap hanging! "Mouth organ music in both sleighs and the singing of such songs as ‘Old Black Joe,' ‘The Old Oaken Bucket,’ ‘My Old Kentucky Home.’ etc. “No arrests by the police! “Home iA-time for family prayers and to wind up the clock!

“Careful drivers for both sleighs and Old Pap himself in the head one to look out for bombs in the road and give eclaw to the occasion! “Only postmaster in the wide world to give free sleigh rides to patrons! Give him a call and look over his stock of mail bags and postage stamps. He will please you or break a leg trying.” Away From Prying Wives. And this: “Are you a true son of Jericho? If so you play poker. Have you any place in which to play—any place beside the haymow in the barn, where your wife is like to bulge in on you any moment? “No. you have not. but you shall have! “Old Pap Pinkham, the prince of postmasters. has leased the vinegar factory just west of the postoffice and fitted it up as a poker parlor. “A checkerboard room on one side of the postoffice and a poker parlor on the other! Entrances to both from the office! “You take your choice, and it costs you nothing. “At intervals when business is slow Old Pap drops in and holds a pat straight or draws to a four flush. “Pictures of Mr. Hoyle and others hung on the walls. “You have only to yell out and the boy comes in with the cider and don't stand around waiting for a tip. “Sound proof, the same as the other. You can cuss your luck in clarion tones and not be heard outside the room. A ‘kitty’ with every game. “Come right along, whether you want to buy stamps or not. You will want to some day, and then you’ll remember Old Pap.” And this: “Scores of our citizens use trtiding stamps and beer stamps on their letters. and but for the kindness of Old Pap their missives would be sent to the dead letter office. Instead of so disposing of them he licks on the proper postage stamps and sends them on a-kiting. He would rather you affixed them in the first place, but if you are busted or absent minded don’t worry? “Is there another postmaster on earth who will do this?”

The Magic Summons. And this: “Special Notice! It is a well known fact that Old Pap attends prayer meeting* every Thursday evening, and this is to give notice that should he be wanted in the checker or poker room to makd up a hand there need not be the slightest hesitation in sending a messenger after him. “Instruct the messenger to whistle a bar or two of ‘Old Dog Tray’ in the vestibule, and Old Pap will make his sneak and run all the way. “Is there another postmaster in America that would do the same? “Trust Old Pap. “Confide in him. “Let him be a father to you.” OLD PAP PINKHAM. (Best Postmaster on Earth.)

“A MAIL BAG FOR A PILLOW.”