Jasper County Democrat, Volume 16, Number 79, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 3 January 1914 — GANDERBONE’S FORECAST. [ARTICLE]

GANDERBONE’S FORECAST.

JANUARY. T-.m, Tom. the piper's son, Stole an egg, and away he run; But where they had the time before Pursued him lightly through the door. And laughed to see him dodge the cops, This time they were as mad as hops. The startled Tom looked back to find The "butcher bellowing behind, The State militia turning out, And marshals scurrying about, He felt the earth beneath him throb With all the impact of a mob, And ran as he had never run In all the thieving he had done. • When someone rang the village bed, He knew its meaning very well; The fleet Boy Scouts were turning out. And troops were leaving their redoubt. A military aeroplane Set up its poppety refrain, And Tom turned faint and deathly pale When bloodhounds bayed upon the trail.

■•Alas!” he said: "My lucky star Deserts me—l have gone too far!" With which he took one look around. And seeing he was losing ground, He deftly doubled on his track. And put the casus belli back. Numa Pornpilitis, the second king of Rome, was very much like President Wilson. Having been the president of a big university before he was called to the throne, he knew all about everything and had a reirom program that kept the Roman Senate at work in season and out. When he got rid of his tariff and currency bills, he took up the calendar. There were at that time 10 months in the year, which began in March. Numa proposed to increase the number of months to 12, and to have the year begin two months earlier. His speech before the Senate, in which he dwelt upon the general happiness that would result from giving everybody two months more pay and the humane necessity for making the 17th of March come at a season when the people in the Irish provinces could march without being exposed to the blasts of winter, has been incorporated in all the works on the world’s best . orations. The bill pa£&v(i immediately after the Christmas holidays, and a commission of experts appointed by Numa inserted the months of January and February in the calendar, where they have remained undisturbed. January takes its name from the Latin Januarius, which itself derived from Janus, the two-faced god, who looked both fore and behind, and hence was chosen by Numa as typifying the new year. It was-from this fact that the two-faced custom of sending one a bill and at the same time wishing him a happy

New Year arose. Ceasar tried to discourage it on the ground that It was hypocrisy, but he was assassinated by Brutus, Casca and others of the more prominent Roman merchants of that time, and no one has dared question the propriety of the custom from that day to this, Mark Antony, who was the leading Chautauqua lecturer in Rome during the reign of Ceasar, had a witticism on this score which he frequently got off to the amusement of people out in the provinces. He said that Caesar tried to reform business and got his gall divided into three parts Romulus, who founded Rome, had thought that the year should begin in March, but after a long and bloody experience the Romans concluded that Mars was not a proper god lo preside over so important an event. The peace party, which has become very powerful at home while the war party was away extending the boundaries of the empire, persuaded Numa to adopt Janus. His announcement of his decision was characteristic of the man who invented money and did so many other amusing things. He said that in deposing Mars he had substituted Janus for the reason that peace itself was such a two-faced proposition., He had observed that the sentiment for it was always strongest in those countries which had acquired vast territorial possessions and did not want to run the risk of losing them by doing any more fighting. He asked the peace advocates if they were willing that Rome should give up all the territory they had acquired by the sword, and when they got mad he conciliated them by opening, a hogshead of Roman punch.

The eager Congress will resume Its heavy task of righting wrongs, And poets through the Winter gloom Will, sing the somberest of songs. The calf will burrow in the stack And watch the snow go swirling by' The wind Will whistle through the crack And cause the evergreens to sigh. I Tile hungry hired man will lean On home-made hominy and souse, And the plumber in his limousine Will dash around front'house to house. The never-tiring Roosevelt will wake the tropics with his yell, and all the troubled rubber belt will rock and wobble for a spell. The long-nosed tapir will describe a high half-circle to the stream, the lookout for the monkey tribe will fill •the forest with his scream, the crocodile will fill its chest with tropic air and hit the bog, the toucan, startled from its nest, will set the wilderness agog, the cougar, bounding from its lair, will .set the eager wolf- , hound loose, and the playful parrots everywhere will jolly him about the Moose. The income tax collector’s foot will fall upon the office stair, and ' all good citizens will put through ' back doorways to get the air. The country editor will hit his greased pole standing at the back, the lawyer will discreetly flit, with smoke uprising from his track, the millionaire will hit the street beneath the window with a groan, the bachelor pill wed the sweet stenographer by telephone, the grocer, terrified with fear, will grab the cash and flee the store, and the office boy will disappear headforemost through the cel-

lar door. ' The Winter winds will devastate And render desolate the land, And Uncle Sam will watch and wait Beside the raging Rio Grande The men in Mexico will shoot The braid from one another's coats. The flying peons, destitute, Will beg and badger us for boats. The government will stamp hen’s eggs And call them coin by right of might, And Huerta, on his last war legs, Will fix to beat it in the night.

Delevan’s comet, which induced the Telephone and Telegraph Trust to come in and give itself up in December, will continue its good work through January from the southwest sky. It is not visible with the naked eye, but may be readily seen through a telescope such as all the trusts have. The comet is operating from a distance of approximately two billion miles. It does not want to cause a panic. Jupiter, who has been conducting a vivid display overhead every night 1 for several months without any visible effect on the Huerta government, will continue to be evening star through January, though everybody else but President Wilson has about given it up. The first 21 days of January will continue under the influence of Capricornus the Goat, the tenth sign of the zodiac. Capicornlans have great reserve power, and will have no need of the new reserve banks. They usually have their own extra money hidden around the house some place. They are the most resourceful people we have. Admiral Dewey, Woodrow Wilson, Gladstone, Daniel Webster and Benjamin Franklin were all born under this sign. The last 10 of January will be influenced by Aquarius the Water Bearer, the eleventh sign. Children born under this sign are very bright, and invent so many excuses for being bad that it is almost impossible to spank them. Thomas A. Edison is a typical Aquarian. The celebrated schedule K of the new tariff law becomes effective Jan. 1. It will make a heavy coat of wool grow on the poor. The prohibition against the manufacture of white phosphorus matches also goes effect. It will be safe now to have mice. After Jan. 1 it will be illegal under the new Federal regulations to kill a duck anywhere in the United States until next fall. The government is not trying to save the ducks, but to make the duck shooters stay at home and help thei,r wives raise Hie children.

Then February will return, To leave us hoarse and coughing, And Spring, that beautiful concern Will linger in the ofllng.