Jasper County Democrat, Volume 15, Number 70, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 4 December 1912 — GANDERBONE’S FORECAST [ARTICLE]

GANDERBONE’S FORECAST

For llecember. A soldier of the Sultan Lay hiding in the ditch. "The trouble with the Turk,” ha said, “Is very plainovitch. "He has too much religion .Confounded with the state, And he can’t tell one from t’other When the need is veny great. “He rises in the morning A little after four And long petitions Allah, With his forehead to the floor. “He badgers him for riches. And the fruitage of the tides, And he asks him for a harem full Of young Circassian brides. "He asks him for a fig tree, And he asks him for a vine, And he asks him for some rye bread And a goatskin full of wine. "He never tires of asking. His mood is soft and meek, And he gets his Sundays all mixed up Wiith the balance of the week. "He kneels from four to seven Prostrated to the East, Ami yo U wouldn’t fancy when he quits His pants were ever creased. "The Bulgar, on the other hand, Arises in the dark, And while the son of Allah prays, Is shooting at a mark. "He swings an old tomato can A bit above the ground, And every time he fires at it The cam goes round and round. "He lays down on his stomach Behind a bale of hay. And spins the old tomato can Around the other way. "He sets a little shaving glass Upright upon his nose, And rollt the target like a wheel, Performing with his toes. "He never mentions Allah, His lips are closed and mute, And the East is where the sun comes up, So he can see to shoot.”

December gets its name from the Latin decern (ten), there being originally 10 months in the year. Caesar, who was a great friend of the masses, decided that it would be easier to pay rent in 12 Installments than in 10, and added two more months. He was assassinated by Casca and other real estate men, but the Julian calendar survived, and it was the terror of landlords for 16 centuries.

It was upon this occasion that Marc Antony, who was a friend of Caesar, made the most artful appeal to human nature in the history of man. While there had been a great deal in Caesar’s career that did him no credit, Antony made such effective use of the fact that landlords had killed him that the people, who were almost all renters, finally conceived their own wrongs in the image of Caesar’s, and killed every landlord in town. There is some doubt if Antony’s action #as fair, but there has never been any doubt that if the landlords had always been fair, it could not have happened.

Alack for Fall! It could not last, So wondrous was its beauty. It lingered here a while and passed, According to its duty. The more enduring sweets of life Are always rendered tasty For being scattered through the strife f Like raisins in the pastry. i

The Greeks of winter will advance upon the Turks of summer, and rach succeeding circumstance will make the season glummer. The fierce Bulgarians at snow will alay the Moslem weather, and the valiant hired man will sew six pairs of panto together.

Beware when wintertime appears, and keep the furnace blowing, the ear-muffs handy to the ears, and the kitchen water flowing. The plumber waiteth to devour the first bank roll that hollers, and a little matter of an hour will cost eleven dollars.

The hungry wolf will venture out to sing of beer and skittles, and make a prophecy about the apucity of victuals. He’ll cite the present plight of man, when eggs a”e worth a nickel, and laugh to think of when we can not even buy a pickle.

The Democrats have swept the earth, But it didn’t help the chickens. If eggs persist at what they’re worth, it means the very dickens. W e needed that reform at once, And leaving us this menace, For all its legislative stunts, The party’s name is Dennis.

A greater task than tariff cuts Is that which touches chickens. We’re feeding them on cocoanuts, and etill the problem thickens. A hen is laying no more food than if she

were a grackle and the greater ru,niter / seems imibued jto do no more than cackle. ii Will some great statesman kindly say just what we ought to feed them. We miss the eggs they used to lay, and pitifully need them. A fig for phinder-bunders loosed, and all our theorizing, lets have that outlet we used to gobble on arising.

The 21st of December will be the shortest day of the year. On that date the sun will cross the tropic of Capricorn. Santa Clause will kick goal, and the ball will be returned to father on his twenty-five-yard line. He will be downed in his tracks, and while the whole family sits on him the butcher, the baker and the eandlestb/k ipaker will take turns

making touchdowns until the police interfere. - O Santa Claus, dear Santa Claus, What can we get for father? W e had no trouble finding ma’s, But this is such a bother. hung around the 10-cent store For seven mornings steady, And they haven’t anything of vours He hasn’t had already. Our Mr. Morgan will advance his usual invention, and hanging up his Sunday pants, command the chief attention. He’ll work thq funnel on his stack wide-spreading as the nation, and in the outcome have no lack of cause for celebration. The wealth of Croesus will' descend with all the noise of thunder, and his pants legs, knotted at the ends, will hold a lot of plunder. Some lesser stockings pinned about will marvel at the clatter, but doing in the end without, will know what was the matter.

Alter the 21st, December will be under the influence of Capricornius the goat, who succeeds Sagittarius, the Archer on that day. The difference between people born under Sagittarius and those born under Capricorn.us is about the same difference there is between most people before and after Christmas. The Sagittarians are disposed to caution and instinctive suspicion of ulterior design, whereas the Capricornians are very trustful and unsuspecting. They are, however, usually brilliant, and though they buy an occasional gold brick, they generally manage to hit somebody with it before they get done. Governor Wilson is a Capricornian, and an excellent example of what they are like. Congress willl convene on the first Monday in the month, and the moon will be full on the 23rd. Then Jaunary will return, With wintry days and solemn, And what we thereto may discern Will fill another column.