Jasper County Democrat, Volume 15, Number 3, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 April 1912 — TWO OLD MEN [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

TWO OLD MEN

By JOHN PHILIP ORTH

(Copyright, ign, by Associated Literary Press) Mr. John Bartlett, sixty-five years old, and the father of Ford Bartlett, who wa? twenty-three, had retired from business. Mr. James Wright, sixty-five years old, and the father of Miss Hazel Wright, had also retired from business. These two old men had known each other and been friends for thirty years. Their wives were friends. It was known to husbands ahd wives—fathers and mothers- —that young Ford and the charming Miss Wright were engaged and would be married within six months. It promised to be a happy affair all around. Then came a sudden bolt from the blue. After breakfast One morning they sat together in the park smoking their ctgars and trying to make themselves believe that retirement from 1 business had. brought contentment. It hadn’t done anything of the Kind. They had too much leisure on their hands. They missed the excitement of. business. They had reached the age of sixty-five, but they did not feel a day older than -at forty-five. When a man is .irritated and there is no dog handy-tb kick he may turn on a human being. Not a word had been passed between Mr. Bartlett and Mr. Wright for five or six minutes when the former removed the cigar from his mouth and said:

“Jim, it seems that you’ve got nothing to do in youfiCbld age but talk like a fool.’’ “I’m no older than you,” was the reply, “and as for talking like a fool I don’t think I can beat you.” "I wonder that you ever had a thousand dollars to. retire on.” "Ditto.” - . “You sat here yesterday- with Shriner and argued for two hours that the world was created In six days.” “And so it was.” “I’m denying it.” “Then you can’t believe the Bible.” Take any two old men and seat them together on a park bench and they w'ill talk either politics a or re-

iigion. Even if both think alike in their minds, they will differ by word of mouth. Mr. Wright believed in the Bible. He believed that the world was created in six days. He believed that his old friend was a man of intelligence. He was irritatec|, however, and he wanted a row. “The Bible is one thing and com mon sense is another,” he said. “All the men arid all the horses and cart-; in the world wouldn’t create even the state of New Jersey in six days, and you know It as well as I do.” I “Six days it was, and even the squint-eyed heathen of China believe that.” “Then I’m worse than a heathen, am I?” “I’m advising you to give up your pew in church if you can’t take the Bible as your guide.” "And who's asking for your ad vice? John Bartlett, mayfce you don’t want to be sitting beside a heathen?” “No, I don’t think I do.” And James Wright went home to tell his. wife and daughter that John Bartlett was a liar and an idiot, and that be had spoken to him for the last time. While the wife tried to soothe the angry man, the daughter ran. away to her room to weep. The [ quarrel between the two men would I of course break up the love affair. And John Bartlett went .home to i veil his wife, and a few hours later •o inform his son, that he had dropped James Wright forever, and would not move a foot to save him from an auto accident. “He’s a blamed obstinate o’d mu’e.” was added, “and should he come to me oh, bis bended knees I'd never take his hand,” | That evening a very aej’Cted pair of- iQvers sat in the parlor of the vv’rirht mansion and talked thing' ' over in a dejected way. Young Mr Bartlett had expected to be met at ' ike door and told to take himself cwhere, and though he had escaped that humiliation there was cause for worry.

“Why. we’ll have to give each other up,” said Miss Hazel. “Never in this world,” was the firm reply of The young man. “But what can we do?” ; “Like thousands of other couples, we can elope.” “Oh. Ford!” “Yes. elope. I am going to have you at any cost.” “But we’d be turned out doors — end there’d be columns in the papers —and they’d get my picture and — and—” But an hour later Miss Hazel was saying- that she thought an elopement would be just the thing. It would be by night. It would be moonlight. They would elope in an auto They would go whizz! chug! chew! over the roads and laugh at the old folks left behind After the first outburst neither father mertioned the quarrel again. The son was rot ordered to cease calling, and the daughter- was not ordered to the garret on bread and water. Asa matter of prudence, and to keep his trail covered, young Mr. Bartlett ceased Lis calls, ami for the same reason Miss Hazel was very demure in the presence of her father. She must do nothing to excite -his suspicions. She was prepared .at any mo meat to hear him break out again, but he lyul nothing further to say. It didn’t happen to be a moonlight night when the elopement at last took place. On the contrm-y, it, /was so dark that the auto ran over a cow almost the first thing. That meant a stop of half an hour to repair broken lamps. Then the chauffeur tried a fence and knocked down fifty feet of it. Then there was another long delay, and the lovers reached the house of a country parson to be told that the good man had the jumping toothache anil wouldn’t leave hl bed for wedding or funeral. Four miles further on, explained the good man’s wife, was another minister That is, he called himself a minister. She wasn't saying he was or wasn’t. She wasn’t saying that any ceremony he could perform would be binding. She wasn’t saying whether his fee was 50 cents or $2. A J’ she knew about it was that he was a Bapi lst while she w’as a Pres byterian The Baptist minister wasn’t home He had gone to a point nine miles away to hold a funeral and hadn’t returned yet. He might return at any moment, and he might be gone two days. Whenever he got where there was good cooking he hung on like grim death. There was Mr. White, the justice of the peace, only two miles down the road. He sometimes—” 3

The judge had gone to bed, but he got up and stuck his head out of the window and said he’d be hanged if he would marry anybody in such a hurry them come back next day —next week. He wasn’t going to hurry matrimony at a, 2:40 gait and then be blamed for it afterward He’d married thirteen couples in a hurry and ten of them had applied for divorces. The night was getting old,' the chauffeur kicking and the auto limping, and it was decided to return borne. Just then another machine drew up, and from it descended Mr' John Bartlett and wife and Mr. James Wright and, wife. “Why. daddy-—why, mamma!” “Married yet?” was asked. “No ” “Then this fellow has got to do it or we’ll pull his house down.” “But. daddy, we've eloped!" protested the daughter. “You haven’t done any such thing We knew about it all the time.” “But the quarrel?” . “Nonsense. This old fool John saifl the world was made in six days and I said six years. He’s come up to fourteen days and I’ve come down to fifteen days, and we’ve decided that one little day hasn’t made a cent's worth of difference to the corn crop.”

“I Am No Older Than You.”