Jasper County Democrat, Volume 14, Number 86, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 7 February 1912 — GUARANTEED AS SURE CURES [ARTICLE]

GUARANTEED AS SURE CURES

Some Remedies That Leave Russian Surgeon Completely in the Shade. Dr. Metchnikoff, the distinguished/ Russian surgeon, states that the removal of the large intestine will ward off old age. Inspired by the tremendous value of the discovery, says the Chicago Record-Herald, our scissors editor has gone into investigating on his own account with the following results, all of which are absolutely guaranteed: The amputation in infancy of both legs of a male child will keep him from walking away from his nurse while she is talking to her cousin, the policeman, and getting lost. To cure a man of an insane devotion to the game of golf the most effective method is to cut off his arms at the elbow joint. This has never been known to fail.

A child whose teeth are pulled the moment they appear will not suffer in after years from the toothache. The Metchnikoff method of weirding off old age is considered by some persons to be a trifle drastic. A cup full of arsenic mixed with parts green will have the same effect if taken internally three times a day before.'meals. Spinal mefiingitis has never yet been known to attack any one who had taken the trouble to have his spine wholly removed before reaching the age of maturity. Decapitation between the ages of ten and 15, though a somewhat heroic measure, will prevent the hair from falling out and thereby enable you to avoid premature baldness. To cure a dog of barking at night only a slight, operation is necessary. This consists of removing all that section of him that rests between the back of his ears and the point of juncture between his body and his tail. The same operation is effective in keeping cats from quarreling. An excellent cure for a gnawing hunger will be foupd in three portions of rare beefsteak, two pounds of mashed potatoes, a chicken-ham pie, four helpings of suet pudding and a welsh rarebit taken whenever you feel the coming on. The surest preventive at a fit is an English tailor taken in frequent doses.