Jasper County Democrat, Volume 14, Number 49, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 23 September 1911 — HUMOROUS QUIPS [ARTICLE]

HUMOROUS QUIPS

The Simple Maiden. There was once a simple maiden, and her simple name was Dottie. She had a simple twinkle in her eyes. There was a simple dimple in her simple chin that naughty Little maids who had no dimples saw with sighs. The things she said were simple And the things she did were simple, A very simple girlie girl was she, But the simplest maid that eVer Simply sighed may still be clever In her beautiful sim-pli-ci-teb, There came a gallant hero with a manner that was splendid. The other girls regarded him with awe. They sought him, but none caught him, and their hoping soon was ended. For Cottie was the only girl he saw. He flirted with coy Dottie, And he boasted that sweet Dottie Was ready to accept him any day, But the simplest maid that ever Simply sighed may still be clever In a simple, un-ex-pect-ed way. The hero soon grew weary of the maiden and her sighing, On other ladies he bestowed his smiles. But naughty little Dottie did no vain or foolish crying. She had letters from him stacked in handy piles. To Dottie he had written Things he never should have written. And she made him pay her well to set him free. Oh, the simplest maid that ever Simply sighed may still be clever In her beautiful sim-pli-cl-tee. —Chicago Record-Herald.

The Passing of an Old Friend. The burglars were at work on the burglar proof safe. “What’s holdin’ you back, Jem?” growled the »second one anxiously. “Why, dey’ve put some kind o’ drill proof stuff over de door,” replied the first one, “an I can’t get me tools troo it.” , The light of dawn was outlined by the window. A rumble of carts came from the cobbled roadway. “We gotter git," growled No. 2. As the baffled miscreants hastily gathered together their jimmies and drills and started for the door a flood of light came through the window. Then as they looked back at the safe each burglar smothered a sulphurous oath. The mysterious thing that had defied the steel drills was the outlawed roller towel, vintage of 1905, which somebody had taken down and carelessly thrown across the safe. —Cleveland Plain Dealer. The Inexpensive Life. They tell of an official at Washington, known by his friends to be a rather “close” man, who has many a passage at arms with his wife, all by reason of that very closeness. On one occasion a friend had the misfortune to enter just as the pair | were ending an- argument touching some Question of household expenditure. He was just in time to hear the husband sayr “See here. Marie, you cannot hoodwink me in these matters. Do you think that I have lived all these years for nothing?” “I shouldn’t be at all surprised,” was the wifely repartee.—Harper’s Magazine. Elusive. “He is what you might call an adroit man?” “Decidedly. His sins never find him out, and his debts never find him in.”-* Puck. Monsters. A dinosaurus wandered out From prehistoric days. A monster weird, he strolled about Our public to amaze. He saw the locomotive swing Around the polished curve. And as he dodged he cried, "That thing Doth surely take my nerve!” He gazed upon the motorcar And.heard.it grind and wheeze. He saw the airship float afar. So huge, yet all at ease. "Alas," he cried, "what fearful change Throughout this world I see! It is o’errun with monsters strange! The good old times for me!”