Jasper County Democrat, Volume 14, Number 26, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 19 July 1911 — HUMOROUS QUIPS [ARTICLE]

HUMOROUS QUIPS

Baby-Bye Revised. Baby-Bye, Here’s an insect of the tribe diptera, apeclflc name Musca domestics. We Will watch him, You and I. . There he goes ' On his curiously appendaged extremities, leaving a trail of microbes Over baby's pose. See him crawl With his six legs, each having five jointed tarsuses, his three sectioned antennae with the marvelous tactile tips waving before him. Up' the wall, t . Seeking food with his spongy lipped proboscis, hanging downside up on the ceiling. Yet. on account of his dawlike feet and appendage soles. He will never fall. By and by. When we have finished our scientific observations and made a few hygienic suggestions. Little fly, Formerly considered harmless, but now classed by scientists and physicians as a disease breeding pest to be exterminated— You must die! —J. Wiley O wen in Puck.

Figured the Wrong Way. “Two old salts who had spent most of their lives on fishing smacks had an argument one day as to which was the better mathematician,’’ said George C. Wiedenmayer the other day. “Finally the captain of their ship proposed the following problem, which each would try to work out: ‘lf a fishing crew caught 500 pounds of cod and brought their catch to port and sold it at 6 cents a pound, how much would they receive for the fish?’ “Well, the two old fellows got to work, but neither seemed able to master the intricacies of the deal In fish and were unable to get any answer. “At last old Bill turned to the captain and asked him to repeat the problem. The captain started off, ‘lf a fishing crew caught 500 pounds of cod and’— “‘Wait a moment,’ said Bill. 'ls it codfish they caught?’ “ ‘Yep.’ said the captain. “ ‘Darn it all,’ said Bill. ‘No wonder I couldn’t get an answer. Here I’ve been figuring bn salmon all the time.”’ —Newark Star.

Partners In All Things. A young lawyer in a western town was taken into partnership with his father and soon got the idea that he was the whole firm. He fell into a habit of saying at the conclusion of a successful case: “Well, father, 1 won that case, all right.” Finally the old man, becoming irritated by the son’s assumption of importance. handed out this advice: “George, it seems to me that whenever this firm does anything you might give me half of the credit of it. Don't put on sb many airs.” The youth took the advice to heart and a few days later rushed into the office with this report: “Father. I—l mean we—have been sue?! for breach of promise'”—Popular Magazine. \ *The Only Way. He was a very raw recruit and particularly stupid at that. The drill sergeant did not know what to do with him. He had tried patience, he had tried language, all in vain. “Squad, halt!” yelled the sergeant. The double rank of the men obeyed, but the raw recruit marched gayly on. “Fitzmooney!” shouted the sergeant. “Yus, sergint” “Did ye ever drive a donkey?” “Yus. sergint” “What did ye say to him when ye wanted ’im to stop?” - “I said ‘Whoa.’ sergint” “Very well. Squad, t’shun! By the right, quick, march! Lef’, lef. lef! Squad, halt—whoa. Fitzmooney!”—TitBits.

A Popular Attraction. “Yes, she’s lecturing against woman suffrage.” “But that’s an unpopular side to take in this neighborhood.” “Yes, but she draws tremendous crowds everywhere." “By her arguments?” “No; by her clothes.”—Cleveland Plain Dealer. The Rural Idealist. “Do you think that man will make a success of farming?” asked one real estate agent. “I’m afraid not,” replied the other. “He’s too particular about finding a farm in a neighborhood where the fishing is good.”—Washington Star. A Preference. “Somebody is trying to make ]">eople believe that sauerkraut will cause one to live long if one eats plenty of it.” “Well, it seems to me that I’d prefer a short life and a gay one.”—Chicago Record-Herald. Not Needed. “I never judge a woman by her clothes,” observed Bilkins. “No.” put in Mrs. B. sarcastically; “a man who gets to as many burlesque shows as you do wouldn’t.”—Milwaukee News. • They Seldom Do. “I hope your husband has no secrets from you.” “Not many. However, he never would tell me what he paid for the engagement ring.” Louisville CourierJournal. Between Boys. . Patsy—Say, Chimmie. who was Robinson Crusoe? Chimmie—He was de duck wot got a long term on de island.—Boston Transcript ■ Y