Jasper County Democrat, Volume 14, Number 21, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 July 1911 — HUMOROUS QUIPS [ARTICLE]

HUMOROUS QUIPS

Just Before the Circus. Father calls me William, sister calls me Will, Mother calls me WilMe. but the fellers call me Bill. Guess, like every other Bill who’a pa’s a Democrat. I got thb name original from Bilyum of the Platte. Lovis to practice shooting with an air gun at a cat. Hate to go to Sunday school or any school > for that. And love to badger aunt about her new divorce decree. But just before the circus I’m as good as I can be. \ You wouldn’t know me 'bout the tbne the elephant is djie. "I wear a halo overhead a bull could sidle through. * Does father want his Willie boy to get him a cigar? Well, hippity-hop to the store and back, and, “Father, here you are!" Would mother rather I did not refer to aunt’s divorce? - Well, auntie's husband went to war and perished there, of course. The Peck's bad boy of fame was not a circumstance to me. But jest before the circus I'm as good as I can.be. —Clark McAdams in St. Louis Post-Dis-patcb. ~

A Reminiscence. Booth Tarkington was talking In Indianapolis about the stage. “There were two actresses in an early play of mine?’ he said, “both very beautiful, but the leading actress was thin. She quarreled one day at rehearsal with the other lady, and she ended the quarrel by saying haughtily : “ ‘Remember, please, that I am the star.’ “‘Yes. I know you're the star,’ the other retorted, eying with an amused" smile the leading actress' long, slim figure, “but you’d look better, iny dear, if you were a little meteor.”’—Washington Star. Things Father Learns. “It isn’t at all safe to judge by appearances.” orated the restless boy’s father. “Yes.” replied the mother, “appearances are awfully deceptive.” “And so are Inanimate objects. You Would never think, merely judging from external indications, that the heavy pair of shoes I bought for that kid was only going to last for six weeks, while the fragile looking Latin grammar I got him a" month ago will probably last a lifetime!”—Boston Traveler.

Eloquent Speakers. Andrew Carnegie at a dinner in New York was talking about the horrors of war. “Once, at the height of the civil war,” he said, “two men at a railway station saw a carload of wooden legs depart for a military hospital. “ ‘Those wooden legs.’ said the first man. ‘are a rather eloquent protest against war, aren’t they?’ “ ‘Yes.’ agreed the other; ‘they are what you might call stump speeches.’ ” —Los Angeles Times. The Preponderance of Evidence. “Sorry,” said the constable, “but I’ll have to arrest you. You been drivin' along at the rate of fifty miles an hour.” “You are wrong, my friend.” said the driver. “I say I wasn’t, and here's a ten dollar bill that says I wasn’t” “All right.” returned the constable, pocketing the money. “With 11 to 1 against me I ain’t goin’ to subject the county to the expense of a trial.”—Harper’s Weekly. His Favorite. Bacon—What is your favorite horncornet trumpet or trombone? Egbert—Well, really, 1 like the shoe horn better than any of those. It doesn’t make a noise, you know.— Yonkers Statesman.

Family Jar. "My wife and myself had another foolish quarrel.” “About what?” “About where we would go if we had money enough to travel”—Washington Herald. Ever Notice? Visitor—How was the show at the opera house last night? Rural Citizen—Fine. That fellow’s imitations of actors we’d never seen were the best 1 ever saw.—Philadelphia Press. Culinary. Little Willie—l want to ask a question, teacher. Teacher—What is it. Willie. Little Willie—Are the Sandwich Islands ham or beef? —Chicago News. Makes For Popularity. A man has made a big stride toward popularity when he has come to the point where he can recognize that the other fellow is as much entitled to enjoy life as he.—Detroit Free Press. No Such Luck. Book Agent—Don’t go into that house! There is scarlet fever there. His Coworker—l couldn’t catch it if I wanted to. I carry health insurance.—Puck. More Recent. "I don’t see any more old fashioned poker stories in print." “They have been supplanted by smart bridge anecdotes.” Philadelphia Press. i Explained. Stella—What causes her insomnia? Bella—She takes so many beauty exercises before retiring that it is morning when she finishes.—Harper's Bazar.