Jasper County Democrat, Volume 14, Number 15, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 May 1911 — HUMOROUS QUIPS [ARTICLE]

HUMOROUS QUIPS

On the Rio Grande. “What makes you look so white, so white?" said Files-on-Parade. "It looks as If we wouldn't fight,” the color sergeant said. “But what Is that to you, to you?" said Files-on-Parade. "Why, we want to show what we can do." the color sergeant said. / “There’s been some criticism that the army isn’t there. They’re saying down in congress that we’re laughed at everywhere. It wouldn’t hurt a whole lot if we pulled somebody’s hair. An’ the army’s mad as thunder at the greasers." . "What’s that so white against the sky?" said Files-on-Parade. • "Why, that’s the flag the rebels fly,” the color sergeant said. "What’s everybody swearing for?” said Files-on- Parade. "They’re that disgusted with the war,” the color sergeant said. “The boys were fairly itching for a chance to intervene. Their hearts were hot for battle, an’ their humor was serene. , But, as luck will have It now, there ain’t no fight to comd between. An’ the army’s mad as thunder at the greasers.” —Clark McAdams in St. Louis Post-Dis-patch. Quite Like Home. A native of one of the most western of the United States of America was crossing the Atlantic in rough weather. One morning he went up on deck when a big gale was blowing. Nobody was in sight except the captain. “Go below there!” shouted the captain. The passenger looked round to see whom he was talking to. “You mean me?” he yelled back, as there was no one else in sight “Of course I do. Go below,” and the captain canie alongside. “Well, I guess not,” protested the passenger. ‘Tin up here to see how due of your mountain high waves and •terrific gales’ compares with what we have at home in the way of cyclones. This ain’t a patch to what I’ve seen out our way.” A big wave just then broke over the deck, sweeping the speaker aft They picked him up with a broken leg, a twisted shoulder and a sprained wrist. When he came to he saw the captain. “Captain,” he said feebly,®‘that reminded me of home, only it was a sight wetter.”—Tit-Bits.

Men of the Meters. Which is the poet’s bill, and which is the plumber’s bill? To John Henry Smith, Dr. Olives, 1 bottle $0.75 Celery, 1 bunch.. 50 Grapefruit. 1. .30 Sherry, 1 bottle 1.25 Tokay. 1 b0tt1e...... '. 1.50 Champagne. 1 bottle 6.00 Chartreux. 1 bottle 7.00 Total 07.30 To W. H. Jones, Dr. Can of corn $0.25 Tomatoes ...... 20 Potatoes 40 Lard A 0 Butter 25 Eggs .. .20 Chuck steak 31 Total 0.71 - —Puck. An Unknown Tongue. A young man just returned from college was out cycling one day when suddenly be came to a steep gradient While he was descending he lost control of his machine and was thrown. Two men came and found him lying in that predicament When asked how it happened he replied, "Well, I came down that decline with the greatest velocity and lost m y central gravity and was precipitated on the hard macadamized road.” “Away, lad; let him alone,” replied one of the men. “He’s a foreigner.”— Ideas. In the Air. “I wonder if you cQuld call it high finance?” "What?” "Dealing in airships.”—New York JournaL Unanswerable. Missionary But what have you against Christianity, my good brother? Cannibal King—Well, there’s too many clothes go with it for a man with forty wives.—Puck. After thei Verein Meet-—?. Jenior—How many glasses aid you have last night? Sunlor—Only one. Jenior—How fast did you work it?— Columbia Jester.