Jasper County Democrat, Volume 14, Number 14, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 24 May 1911 — HUMOROUS QUIPS [ARTICLE]

HUMOROUS QUIPS

Story of Two Brothers. 1676. Kind reader, mark my truthful tale—- * No moral Is annexed. But If you have none handy Wa’U print one In our next. Two brothers in Rehoboth town. When Philip’s wax began. To show their worth were summoned forth By the head militiaman. John charged his gun and his canteen All ready for to slay; With Mister-Muster-Master Green He boldly marched away. (But Robert sought the barn, unseen. And hid him in the hay.) There came a night of gory fight; Assumpsett creek ran red! Oh, grisly sight! By morning light Poor John showed up—shot dead! So he was done with earthly work. But Robert lived to be Poundkeeper, deacon and town clerk And ancestor of me. —John Pearson In Puck.

The Oriental Way. In China when the subscriber rings up exchange the operator may be expected to ask: “What number does the honorable son of the moon and stars desire?’ “Hohl, two-three.” Silence. Then the exchange resumes. "Will the honorable person graciously forgive the inadequacy of the insignificant service and permit this humbled slave of the wire to Inform him that the never-to-be-sufficiently-censured line Is busy?” Cleveland Plain Dealer.

Where Even the Wirelees Fails. “Can you direct me to the Grand hotel?” “Beg pardon?” “Which is the way to the Grand hotel?” “What’s that?” “Grand—G-r-a-n-d h-o-t-e-1?” “Well, what about it?’ “How do 1 get there?’ “I give it up. I’m a stranger here myself.”—Browning’s Magazine. Singleness of Purpose. “Are you going to see the coronation?’ “No,” replied Mr. Meekton; “1 don’t think Henrietta would care for it She would regard it as a waste of time to organize such a grand parade without putting ‘Votes For Women’ banners in It”—Washington Star. He Pleased Her. “What do you think of your new boarder?” asked the typewriter. “Oh, 1 think he’s such a nice young man,” replied the boarding house lady. “He’s a very small eater, isn’t he?’ “Oh, my, yes; he’s really eaten his way into my x affection.” Yonkers Statesman. Comfort In That “Ain't yer vaccination healed up yet?” asked Jimmy. “Naw.” replied Tommy. “Gee! Don’t it make yer feel bad?’ - “Naw. The doctor told mom 1 mustn’t take a bath till It’s all healed : up.”—Catholic Standard and Times. With Alacrity. “Waal, 1 duhno.” said the farmer’s wife when Dusty Rhodes applied for a meal. “Would you be willing to do a few chores?” “Madam.” said Dusty, “if you’ll give me something to chaw on I’ll chaw all day.”—Harper’s Weekly. —£ Too Quickly. “Sir, I wish to marry your daughter Susan.” • “You do. eh? Are you in a position ' to support a family?” “Oh, yes. sir!'* “Better be sure of it. There are ten of us.”—Toledo Blade. Unsatisfactory. “What became of your ideas of simplified spelling?’ “I abandoned them,” replied the universal reformer. “The result looked too much like a dialect story with the quotation marks left out.” St. Paul Pioneer Press. Just a Way He Had. “I suppose,” growled the pessimist, “you believe in taking things as they come, don’t you?’ - “Only when I don’t consider them worth going after,” replied the optimist—Chicago News.