Jasper County Democrat, Volume 13, Number 103, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 8 April 1911 — HUMOROUS QUIPS [ARTICLE]

HUMOROUS QUIPS

Modestly Content When the airship comes in and the auto gees out ' And the Utter's the butt of dur joking I think I shall buy me an old runabout Aud all over the country go poking. I'll just jog along over hill and down dale In my old fashioned twenty horsepower. Observing the scenes while I creep like a snail At a hundred and thirty per hour. While I shan't know the feelings one gets in the neck When from heaven on forehead alighting, I've observed that the people who get in the wreck Of an auto still find it exciting. And so I'm contented to stand by the old Instead of the novelties trying And to leave to the reckless, the young and the bold These newfangled methods of dying. —Hamilton Pope Galt in Puck. A Scriptural Injunction. “Yes, sir,” said Dobbleigh, “horses are ruining my brother Tom. He’s crazy about them. Just paid $3,000 for a span of trotters.” “Well, 1 don't know," said Billups. “How about yourself? What did you pay for that touring car of yours?” "Five thousand dollars,” said Dobbleigh. "But what”— “Well, you'd better not criticise the team in your brother’s eye until you have cast out the motor that Is in your own eye,” retorted Billups.—Harper’s Weekly. More Than Able.

It was at a recent Friars’ dinner that Augustus Thomas told the story of a newspaper man's laudable appetite. There had arisen a controversy over the ability of a man to eat two quails a day for thirty consecutive days. A Park row reporter was asked if he would undertake the task. “Say. Bill,” he replied, “make it turkey.’’—Argonaut. Not the Reason. “Perhaps,” dolefully suggested the rejected suitor, “your refusal of me was prompted merely by the fact that I am a vegetarian.” “Y'our Inference is quite erroneous,” replied the Boston girl. “As a matter of! fact, I invariably prefer herbivorous to carnivorous animals.”—Catholic Standard and Times. Teaching the Teacher. » Teacher Johnny, what part of speech is nose? Johnny—’Tisn’t any. Teacher—Ah. but it must be. Johnny—Maybe yours is, because you talk through it, but the only part of speech I’ve got is my mouth.—Lancaster Gazette. A Modern Eve. He—Would you scream If I kissed you? She—Yes, of course I would. (Silence.) She—George— He-Yes. What is it? She—F-father's deaf.—U. of P. Punch Bowk

Society Drama. “Your play contains too much conversation. You need a hairbreadth escape of some kind.” “What’s the matter with the third act,” demanded the dramatist, “where the heroine narrowly escapes being talked to death?’—Washington Herald. Seems Longer. Mollie —Don’t you think a month is a long time to put off our wedding? Chollie—Why, jour sister put hers off a month. “Yes, but that was last fall. The days are getting longer now, you know-” —Yonkers Statesman. More Bargain Stock. Shopps—My wife offered to bet me a box of cigars against a pair of gloves that she wouldn’t get angry for a month, but I refused to bet Nopps—Afraid you’d lose, eh? Shopps—No; afraid I’d win.—Chicago News. Sure Footed. “Is that horse sure footed?” asked the prospective purchaser. “Well, I should think so,” replied the owner. “He kicked the stableman three times in the same spot yesterday.”—Country Gentleman. His Ruling Passion. “I understood you took that crippled chauffeur into your office.” “Yes, but I had to let him go again.” “Why?’ “He went joy riding Ln the elevator.” —Cleveland Plain Dealer. His Impression of It. Customer—l wish you’d quit dunning me for that suit of clothes. Do you object to giving me time? Tailor—Oh, no. but it looks as If you expected me to give you the suit.—Boston Transcript. His Classification. "My boy’s goin’ to Mexico with his regiment” “So he’s a soldier. Is he a regular?’ “No; he belongs to the malicious corpse.”—Baltimore American. Clever. ' “They say she’s wonderfully clever,” “She is. She can do as much with a chafing dish as some women can do with a six burner gas range.”—Detroit Free Press. The Surest Known. “Say, pa, i what’s an ' endurance test?* : “Living in the suburbs, my son."*Bt Louis Post-Dispatch.