Jasper County Democrat, Volume 13, Number 99, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 29 March 1911 — HOMOROUS QUIPS [ARTICLE]

HOMOROUS QUIPS

Ough. v , Jacques loves the English tongue, although He finds the spelling tough. And when he does not really knough He does a little blough And spells the termination squgh. Making the queerest stough. For when he tries himself to plough His way with trouble through The words he jotted down but nough lie finds it will not dough. He gazes stupid as a cough And tails to find a clough. When back across the channel's trough He sails, as pale as dough. He fears his countrymen will scough To see his spelling gough Even in French a little ough And hardly comme il sough. —Punch. Flights of Fancy. Bishop vVelidon’s story of the baba who said a certain town was “three miles away, as cock crowed,” reminds a correspondent of the obliging Frenchman who helped him to pick out places from the Alpine viewpoint at Lyons. Some of the party understood the Frenchman to say that a place was so many miles off “as the cow flies”—though actually he had only pronounced “crow” to rhyme with “now.”—London Chronicle. A Stone’s Throw. “The ancient Romans had a catapult that could hurl rocks more than a mile.” “Now I understand it.” “What?” “My landlord told me this house was a stone’s throw from the depot. He must have had it on his hands since the time of the Caesars,”—Cleveland Leader. An Apprehension. “What do you think of this idea of letting baseball players appear in vaudeville?" “I don’t know how it will work out,” replied the fan, “but I’m afraid that when the season comes around some fellow will forget himself and start up a ballad when he ought to be sliding to second.”—Washington Star.

Will Thia Be Necessary? "Yes, and what are all those war vessels oyer there?” “That's the north Atlantic auxiliary fleet” "What’s k>e good of it?” "Why, Its only use is to provide safe landing places for the aeroplanes.”— Cleveland Plain Dealer. , ' Thoughtful. "I’m sure he’d make a good husband” “What makes you think so?” “He never forgets to take my gloves out of his pocket when I give them to him to carry for me.”—Detroit Free Press Not Definite. “And if you marry my daughter,” said old Gotrox, "how long will it be before you call on me for aid?” “Can’t say.” answered the young man. “It depends on how long it is before she wants to eat” —Chicago News. An Unfailing Sign. “I’m afraid Maud’s second marriage is a failure.” “Did she say so?” "No, but she’s beginning to speak well of her first husband.”—New York Journal. Explained. Young Lady—Y’ou say you were on a raft for six weeks and had nothing to eat but mutton. Where did you get the mutton from? Old Salt—Well, you see, miss, the sea was very choppy.”—London Tit-Bits. Result of a Fad. Poverty came In at the door. Love Immediately flew out of the window. “Ah,” said those who observed, “this is what comes of being fresh air faddists!”—Judge’s Library. He’s Surely One. “Pop!” “Yes, my boy.” “What is an ultimate ’’consumer?” “Why, you are. my son. You’re always the last one to leave the table.” —Yonkers Statesman. Its Keynote. “I heard of some optimistic souls suggesting a salvation rally in Wall street. What do you think such a movement should take as its motto?” “Its ordinary one—‘Let us prey.’ ” Baltimore American. Bottled Inspiration. “He writes a great deal for children.” “How does he get himself in the mood?” “Drinks milk for a beverage.”—Buffalo Express. Experientia Docet. Parson—When you feel that dreadful craving for drink, my poor friend, you should pray—pray fervently. Deadbeat—l do, but you don’t know wot hard hearts them publicans have. —P. I. P. Why He Had Own Way. i Carr—Jones has his own way in his house. Barr—Yes, but his wife always tells him what he is going to do before hand,—St Louis Star. Easy. Thomas Cat (reading his newspaper) —What nonsense people talk! I never found it at all difficult to “come back.” —Browning’s Magazine.