Jasper County Democrat, Volume 13, Number 83, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 February 1911 — Humor and Philosophy [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

Humor and Philosophy

By DVNCAN M. SMITH

PERT PARAGRAPHS. "YJORE than one man has dlfed a bachelor because the girl he was in love with and was afraid to propose to didn’t have the courage of her convictions. Few men know how to treat a wife, but they get competent instructior after they are married. The mills of the gods grind slowly indeed when you are waiting to see the man you dislike get what’s coming to him. We seldom know when we are well off, but we learn it after we have been well done. Man’s woes are as a tale that is told —alas, too often! Sometimes a man thinks that he can’t live without a certain woman, only to find after the ceremony that he can’t live with her A fool and a get-rich-quick scheme are sure to find one another. The champion mean man is the one who makes his family all walk five hours a day because shoe leather is yet cheaper than coal. A husband who can cook and wash dishes is simply indispensable in these days of uncertain domestics.

Smart Girl. “My father doesn’t spend much inon ey.” “Maybe he has none:” “Oh. yes. he has a lot of it.” “What does he do with it?” “I spend it for him so he won't have to bother.” They Come Regular. “How is your watch, Pedro?” asked the South American wife. “On time, I think.” “Seems a little off to me.” “Perhaps it is a trifle. I will set it by the next revolution anyway.” Some Object. “Your sister is. I believe, an old maid?” “Beg pardon, a bachelor girl.” “What is the difference?’ “Oh, a couple of thousand a year.”

On the QuieL

“I beat my wife this morning,” said the little man quite complacently and as though it were the thing to do. "Beat your wife, you monster: I don’t believe a word of it.” ”1 did, though.” “And got off yourself unharmed?’ “Sure: 1 beat her out of a nickel; short chang-

ed her, and she didn’t know the difference.”

Quite Athletic. “His argument hasn’t a leg to stand on.” ‘ “Doesn't need it.” “Why not?’ “Appears to me to be standing on Its head.” Asking Too Much. “Will you take a chance on this mining stock?” “I don’t know. You might send it up to the house on approval and let us try it a month.” Just to Please Her. “I am going to sue him for breach of promise.” “But he has no money.? “No, but he has another girl.” V A Linguist. “Money talks.” “Yes, and it speaks every tongue known to man.” Appearances. A rooster cannoj lay an egg; But, listening to. his loud alarm And seeing how he rules his set, A person might feel safe to bet That he -could Almost lay a farm.