Jasper County Democrat, Volume 13, Number 73, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 24 December 1910 — NEW “CHRISTMAS CAROL.” [ARTICLE]

NEW “CHRISTMAS CAROL.”

Not by Charles Dickens, but an Incipient Parody on His Famous Story. Barley was dead to beginwith. He was as dead as u doornail, which must be going some in the dead line, as people have been usings a doornail as a simile of death for several centuries. But Smpodge was alive and kicking. Smoodge kicked particularly against Christmas presents. He didn’t believe in Christmas presents. Barley, his old partner, dead these seven years, hadn’t believed In Christmas presents either. When Smoodge shut up his warehouse and went home on Christmas eve—he lived in lodgings that bad been Barley’s—the doornail assumed an expression which he had never noted before. The head of that dead doornail resolved itself into the head of B:irl<<y< “Hey. Jacob; I thought you were dead!" cried Smoodge. “So 1 am. Ebenezer,” replied the vii ilized dooiuaii. "but I've come back t ; v aru you that you Will be visited midnight by three ghosts, one after li e* flier. So long. Eb!” r.m hw’s ghost again became a dead d< : tmil. Smoodgewent to bed and I'romptly at midnight was awakened 1 v au apparition. It was the first of tlie three spirits. It seemed to crawl out from under his bed. It danced on the footboard of the bed. “1 am the Ghost of Christmas Present Past,” said the spirit. “You look to me like one of those Slippers my niece gave me last year/’ said Smoodge. > “YoU win,” said the ghost and vanished. Presently the second spirit arrived, doing a inerry ddnee over the wash stand. “You look to me like another slipper,”! said Smoodge. “I am the Ghost of Christmas Present Present.” said the spirit. “Ha, I see!” said Srnoodge. “You’re one of t&e slippers my niece Is going to give me this year.” Whereat Spirit No. 2 smiled and vamoosed. In a jiffy Jhe third of the promised spirits came in. It jumped upon the bed and slapped Smoodge In the face. “I'm on.” said Smoodge; “you’re another slipper.” - “I am the Ghost o' Christmas Present Future,” said the spirit sepulchralJy. “Yes, I know,” remarked Smoodge. *My niece will present you and your mate to me next Christmas. Because I’m an old man she never sends me anything but slippers. But these ghostly visits have taught me a lesson. Hereafter* I’ll ne a better man. I'll give my niece a Chantecler hat instead of the usual pair of gloves, and maybe next time she'll give me a silk topper.” T, SAPP.

Nemesis. ® When Gabriel blows his trumpet On that last of human days The cannibal will wish he Had amended of his ways. What trouble In his stomach When that trumpet ’gins to toot— He Will wish for missionaries He had substituted fruit! —New York Times. A Base Thought. “I think I'll borrow an idea from the burlesque houses for my new society drama.” “As how?” ; , “Have the bass dnjminer whack his drum every time an epigram is offered.”—Pittsburg Post.—