Jasper County Democrat, Volume 13, Number 34, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 August 1910 — HUMOROUS QUIPS [ARTICLE]

HUMOROUS QUIPS

The Pursuit. [They are chasing norse thieves with motorcars in Kansas now.—News ltem.J Come, crank your swift auto ana jump to the wheel: We neea all the strength of its quivering Steel. For forty-live horses art gone in the night. And we mußt give chase to the robbers In flight. If forty-five horses are stolen and gone A motor of sixty should catch them by dawn. And we'll run down the thieves as they gallop away And string them up high, as they do In t Play. Across the “pray-rare-ree'* we buoyantly bound With wheels that seem scarcely to stay on the ground. The sparker Is working with perfect eclat. The piston is doing much better than that The— Hist! "There's a cloud In the distance,and—seel— Tne robbers are scattering tacks as they flee! Swing off from the path! Take a chance at the fence! The way that she cleared it is something Immense! And now we are close on the trail—let 'er ■. go.! ■■ They're riding their best, but their best Is too slow. You tend to your driving. I’ll shoot when 1 'must/ Bang! There is one robber who’s bitten the dust. Surrounded by autos they give up at last; The horses are saved and the robbers bound fast. And the manager says he Is sure it will go As the finest of films at a vaudeville show. —Berton Braley In Buck.

A Pedagogical Tragedy. Dorothy is in the fourth' grade, and she gets good marks iu everything except arithmetic. When her father asked her why she made such low marks in arithmetic she replied thus: “Well, it is like this: The teacher says. ‘Four plus 8 minus 3 multiplied by 2 divided by 6,’ and asks me what the answer ls. She talks so fast I can’t keep up with her. and 1 have to guess the answer. and I always guess wrong.”— Harper’s Weekly.

Why the Kitties Cried. Wallie, aged six, found four little kittens in the cellar. A visitor, being told of them, expressed a desire to have a peep at the new baby pussies. Wallie went to fetch them, and soon pitiful mewing was heard below. “Don’t hurt the kitties, Wallie,” called out bis mamma. “No, mamma,” shouted the boy. ‘Tm Bringing them up carefully. I’m carrying them by their stems.”—Scraps.

Novelty. “I thought you told me you had something original in this libretto,” said the manager scornfully. “Here at the very outset you have a lot of merry villagers singing ’We are happy and gay."’ “You don’t catch the idea at all,” replied the poet wearily. “The ‘g’ is soft It should be pronounced ‘happy and Jay.’ ’’—Washington Star. Fate of the Unfamiliar. “I understand that you have two brand new jokes in your dialogue.” „ “Yes,” replied the musical comedian. “What are they?” “You recognize them by the way the audience treats them as strangers and refuses to give them a smile.”—Boston Transcript. " A Winner. “Yes. Inkem got up a summer novel that immediately became a best seller.” “That so? Something new in the plot?” ‘ ’ - “No. But when it came to the page where he described the looks of the heroine be bad his publisher Insert a mirror.”—Life. "A Model Hired Man. “Missus, do you need a. hired man?’ “Well. yes. I’m looking for a man who can do the chores, sweep, clean the rooms, be polite and never be impudent” “Say. missus, youse is lookin’ for a husband.’’--Success Magazine.

She Had the Price. In vaiD they told the heiress that the duke was an impostor and worse. “Why,” said a friend. **l have read there is a price upon his head.” But the heiress, all serene, only answered. “I have the price!”—Young’s Magazine. An Impossibility“Dumier received a shock of 50,000 volts through his brain.” “Nonsense! How do you suppose that number of volts could ever have crowded tlieir way through a brain like Dumier’s?”—Philadelphia Ledger. The Wise Fool. “To what do you attribute your tinvarying success?” / “To being picked early for tbe village fool. Nobody ever tried to get me to indorse a note or go into a scheme.”— Brooklyn Citizen. The Danger. “It is always dangerous to try to get something for nothing.” remarked the wise guy. “Yes; you might get what you deserve,” added the simple mug.—Philadelphia Record. The Secret. “Miss Bright," whispered Miss Gaps-, sip, “can you keep a secret?’ “Yes.” replied Miss also whispering. “1 can keep one as well as yon dan.” Catholic Standard and Times,