Jasper County Democrat, Volume 13, Number 8, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 4 May 1910 — GANDERBONE'S FIRECAST [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

GANDERBONE'S FIRECAST

FOR MAY. If there would come upon the scene At this amusing writing, And think to find his lot serene And earth withal inviting? .Then will he kindly step around To interview the teller, And for such bliss as he has found Pay Morganguggenfeller. J.A : . 11. '■ ■'■dA'-W-"; Would someone dance a nimble turn By way of living blithely, And in no very great concern Disport his graces llthely? Then let him enter in the lot Of every earthly dweller, And from his none too ample jot Pay Morganguggenfeller. . , in. Or would you stick around a bit Enjoying this existence, And wholly Indisposed to quit It short of great resistance? Then will you also get in line, Or buyer or a seller, And for the favor superfine Pay Morganguggenfeller. ’ The mouth will open with the peals of children singing Mayday and the calf will elevate his heel for springtime in its heyday. The goat will pirouette around, the symbol of a beer, the rooster will awake tire sun and pose as Chanticleer, the turtle-dove will fill the space of even with his wooing, and the trusts will go around again with Uncle Sam pursuing. The season will array the hills in bright and nodding flowers, and the moon will rouse the whippoorwills in many shady bowers. The mockingbird will fill the night with liquid roundelays, the festive colt will shake his feet and dance a polonaise, the doodlebugs will trip the light fantastic in the gloaming, and Mr. Taft will pack his grip and once more go a-roaming. The comet will continue to increase in its effulgence, and the wicked will get horny-kneed imploring its indulgence. The trusts will all put wages up and want to pay a fine, the plutocratic senators will all of them resign, the proud and haughty syndicates and pentitence will grapple, and a gunny sack won’t hold the tithes at Rockefeller’s chapel. Until the 6th or thereabouts the frightful apparition will make its daily whereabouts a morning exhibition; but having ascertained by then that no one is about except a few poor dairymen who never do stay out, it wjll recede from us untij it later on surprises the folks who are retiring now about the time it rises. ' - ' . \ -

By May the 20th it will appear a very gorgon, and all the missionary funds will get a check from Morgan. The Armours and the Cudahys will come down off their perch, the Capt. Kidds of industry will all put into church, the overjoyed revivalist will want for space to breathe in, and Wall street will exhort us all to help it save the heathen. You may repent without concern Lest someone ridicule you, For almost everyone will turn To crying .Halleylulliah! - We’ll all be too much occupied bn some score of our own To think of very much beside The thing we would atone —- But all the same we shall not be Too awed to laugh the way It Is going to sound when Carnegie, John D. and Morgan say it.

There is nd thorn without its rose, as hitherto suspected, and wind all-evil never blows, ,as someone as detected. The sight of Halley’s comet will play havoc with, us all, according to the sum of ill one’s conscience can recall; but to the most of us it will not be the threat of hell or retribution it will seqm to Morganguggenfeller. However, lest the rest of us forget that we are mortal, and someone in excess of joy too gloatingly shall chortle, the solar system will provide an eclipse c>f the sun upon the 9th, and what is more, ’twill be; a total one to us, but still sufficient for devotions in Australasia, New South Wales and all adjacent oceans. i And as if this were not enough to make us live discreetly, the

moon upon the 23d will be eclipsed completely. In fact, ft is to be a month of wonderful displays, and one in which most everyone will sort of mend his ways. The sun, the moon, and Halley’s scare will all be cutting didoes, and they’ll get us all to jumping through just like a lot of 'Fidoes. > . i But be it as it may turn out, of other matters briefly : TAR. will keep on telling them what is the matter chiefly. The monarch sitting on his throne, the student in his cap, the childless woman with the cat and poodle in her lap, the statesman and the churchman in his little endless collar—all of them learning what is what from this colossal scholar. It is a joke to think of Mars possessing information that has not come as yet within the range of observation. We do not care a whoop outdoors about how old he is. We do not give a snip for what advantage has been his. It makes no odds what kind of men may peradventure dwell him — we’ll bet we know a lot of things that Roosevelt could tell him. The tumblebug will tumble till he is fatigued with turning, and Congress will observe the heat and think upon adjourning. The moon will happily be full while it is in eclipse, the rich will, pack their steamer trunks and sail away in ships, the poor will post a sentinel in fickle fortune’s tower, and wait until the Democrats are put back into power. And then the month of June will come To ease the poet’s pain, And Roosevelt will come across To wind us up again.