Jasper County Democrat, Volume 12, Number 101, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 April 1910 — The study of the stork. [ARTICLE]

The study of the stork.

Upon the night of April 8, or some not very distant date, we shall at last with naked eye see Halley’s comet in the sky. It will appear to be a stick of living fire and twice as thick as that which Roosevelt was wont to carry when he made his haunt around the capitol. Its head will seize upon the people who have not been giving us our due. Our Uncle John will push his plan To elevate his fellow man, And as the comet closes in, He’ll grow impatient to begin. Our Uncle Andy will recall That he has not begun at all To give, and Uncle Pierp himself Will scatter hie abundant pelf. The Rockefeller fund to date Is all there is to demonstrate The comet’s usefulness, but wait Until the money syndicate Looks up and sees that awful sign Upon the sky. They’ll get in line To square themselves. The trusts will all Go forward to repent, and bawl And howl around upon their shins, Imploring pardon for their sins.

And then the census man will come arqund the house and haw and hum. He’ll lead at this and lead at that, and ask the birthplace of the cat, He’ll fiddle here and potter there, and take a sample of your hair. He’ll measure you between the eyes, and figure and philosophize. Ha’ll make the acid test for wealth, and ask of everybody’s health. He’ll ?ount the children, and the goats, and ask how much you have in oats. He’ll kick his shins against his calves, and add and multiply his halves. He’ll show his star and stick around, and finlly declare his ground and ask the womenfolk their age, and exit bleeding from the stage. Some fifteen million, it is said, will go to see how many head there are of us, or black or white, or whether we can read or write, and what the plus of women is that no one yet is calling his, and other unimportant facts concerning our domestic acts, when most of us, to all intents, would rather have the 15 cents it costs us per, and do not care how many of us have red hair, or who can read and who can write, so’long as simply throwing light upon the matter doesn’t make the bachelor spruce up and take the pining spinster to his heart, or teach unlettered folk the art of writing, or as far as we, at least, are competent to see, improve our happiness a bit, but Congress wills, and so be it. April will chiefly consist of Taft weather, with occasional showers. The moon will be in apogee on the 24th, which will be the last day the hog will jump over it. Mr. Cannon will be the storm center. And then the month of May will come, Of all >the» months the worst, And forty kinds of bugs will fight To see who saw us first.