Jasper County Democrat, Volume 12, Number 75, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 January 1910 — GANDERBONE'S FORECAST [ARTICLE]

GANDERBONE'S FORECAST

(Copyrighted 1909 by C. H. Reith.) FOR JANUARY. John, John, the piper’s son. Stole a pig, and away he run, But where he had the time before Been hotly followed through the door And down the street with cries of “Thief!” And in the windup come to grief. He was amazed this time to hear Them say, “There goes a financier!” At which the Sheriff by the way Applauded where another day He had put after him, and men Who had with exclamations then Dashed after him, an angry crowd. Made way for him, and smiled and bowed With all the homage rendered pelf, Till John just had to pinch himself.

He reached the calaboose at last, And when the jailer's daughter cast A dozen roses in his path And asked him for his photograph. And all the thieves began to shout Appeals to him to get them out, Suspicion had become so strong That John knew there was something wrong. And so there was, as they with mirth Explained to him: The pig was worth Two-bits a pound, and stealing it Was not mere thieving, but a bit Of high finance, for which there is No penalty. The pig was his. And not the butcher’s, like the time When pork was selling at a dime.

January gets its name from Janus Bifronus, a famous Roman explorer. Two-faced Janus, as he Is known, claimed to have reached the North Pole as early as 23 B. C., but he could not Copenhagen with the wisdom of that learned city and they put the den mark on him March was at that time the beginning of the year. This month was named for the great war god of the Romans, but Numa said that inasmuch as liars were first at t£e pole and everywhere else they might as well be first in the calendar, too, and January was made the first month. Subsequently Caesar increased the number of days in It from 29 to 31. He was to retire from the imperatorshlp the last of the month, and wanted to squeeze five pay days into It.

The water wagon will resume • Vt ith Carrie Nation chauffing And megaphones announcing room For anybody loafing. The happy group will tool along With prohibition potter And now and then hit up a song Of loyayty to water. The wary publican, about to be reduced to squalor, will set a glass and bottle out ahd blow upon his caller. The which display and dulcet sound will set old ballads ringing, and on the second time around not many will be singing. At which the publican will send A wireless Tom and Jerry With earthenware hit end to end And whistle on a cherry. And when the car comes round again w. Someone, the truth confiding To Carrie gently, will explain That no one else is riding

The wolf will wear a groove around the poor man’s habitation, and even prunes will go to twice their present valuation. The thrifty populace will sift the ashes for its fuel, and the plutocrat will wear a piece of bacon for a jewel. The wind will smite the house with its refrigerated drizzle, and Boreas will work around the windows with a chisel. The plumber will run in and out at 50 cents a minute, and the moving van will come around with seven bailiffs in it. It is a cheerful time of yean there is no doubt about it, and Wintdk* s such a hit with us we could npt do without it. The shaggy calf backed in the stack with straw around his plumbing would bawl his heart out if he thought the gentle Spring were coming. He’d hate to see the grass grow green and hear the birdies warble, or greet the passing tumblebug back-pedalling his marble. He wouldn’t give a whoop outdoors to gambol on the clover and dance the raz-pa-taz until exhaustion bowls him over. He loves the way his ribs stick out and rattle In the blizzard, and dotes upon the piece of ice he’s using for a gizzard. The tempest and the paucity of sustenance delight him, and he dearly loves to wonder where the Arctic next will bite him. The sign of the zodiac for January will be Halley’s comet, which Is now bearing down upon us at the rate of about 1200 miles a minute. The coming of this comet has been

awaited with a great deal of satisfaction by people who believe that Providence cares for its own. It is a very strange and terrifying sight, and upon former occasions it has frightened the wicked out of their boots. HalleylvlHah, which is the first repentant exclamation of a sinner, originated in this way, and there is tremendous curiosity to see if people like Mr. Rockefeller, Mr. Morgan and Hellandam Cannon will say halleylulliah when they see it. Halley’s comet was last visible in 1835, which was known as the year of repentance. All the trusts voluntarily busted themselves that year, people who had been grasping gave great sums of money back, and everybody was enthusiastic about the golden rule.

The comet is a kind of star with a nebulous beard. It is going to be a great factor in our lives for a while. It has no regular orbit, but is a kind of providential policeman-at-large. Wherever there is an inclination upon the part of a few inhabitants of a planet to make the rest of the inhabitants get off, the comet bobs up and makes a demonstration such as we shall see here for a few months. This generally puts the fear that ought to be in everybody’s heart there or thereabouts. In May, which ends the fiscal year of the Standard Oil Co., the United States Steel Corporation and some others, the comet will approach as close as 5,000,000 miles.

The National Geographic Society will meet on the 20th and decide what reparation shall be made to Peary. It Is thought that the agreement will be to make Cook write his confession, compel everybody who was for Cook to buy a copy of the book and give Peary the proceeds. Then February will return Upon its merry round, And the groundhog will emerge to tell What's doing underground