Jasper County Democrat, Volume 12, Number 66, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 December 1909 — GANDERBONE'S FORECAST [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

GANDERBONE'S FORECAST

FOR DECEMBER. jrhe shades of night were falling fast As Paul Revere went dashing past“T. Roosevelt k» dead!” he vowed. But everybody laughed aloud, And as he pushed upon the reins, They cried, “Go tell it to the Danes!” Whereat the herald winked his eye And said, “I’ll have to change the cry. Prosperity’s returned!” he bawled, The next town site he overhauled; But this town, too, for all his pains Just smiled and said, “Go tell the Danes!” Wherefore Revere, still raising welts Upon his mount, planned something else. *Cook has confessed!” was his halloo The next township he galloped through; But these were also knowing swains, And yelled, “Go tell it to the Danes!” At which rebuff he frowned a frown And said: “I’ll try just one more town.” And, on the solemn truth resolved, Cried, “Standard Oil has been dissolved!” But this towm said, and shook its noggin, "Keep right on,’Paul, to Copenhagen.’

December was anciently the tenth month, and its name is from the Latin decern (ten). It has always been the last month In every calendar Like ourselves, the ancients were not quite sure whether they could afford ’it or not, and it was therefore always placed where It could be dropped with the least disturbance of the calendar year. Alexafader the Great always attacked his enemies immediately after Christmas, when they didn’t have a cent, and Julius Caesar, who could see farther than Jim Hill, warned Rome against the Qoths and Vandals, who, like the trusts, gave each other no Christmas presents.

.a»The cast, for the annual Christmas cantata will be as follows: Santa Claus, Mr. Taft. Sled, Mr. Carnegie. Reindeer, Mr. Kuhn, Mr. Loeb, Mr. Aldrich and Mr. Payne- Bells, Mrs. Green and Mrs. Sage. Whip, Mr. Lawson. Snow, Chancellor Day. Moon, Mr. Archbold. Roof, Mr. Ryan. Chimney, Mr- Hill. Pack, Mr. Sherman. Tree, Mr. Rockefeller. Sleeping child, Mr. Morgan. The performance will be given on the night of the 24th. Mr. Morgan is said to be in the awakening scene the most delighted child in the history of the play. The natural phenomena of the month will be encouraging. On the 12th there will be a partial eclipse of the sun, visible in the region around the South Pole. During the eclipse 16 ounces of sugar will weigh a pound at the New York custom house and ga9 meters will run backwards. On the 21st the Coal Trust will kick the sun across the Tropic of Capricorn for a field goal, and the winter solstice will begin with the ball in the possession of the trusts on our five-yard line. This will be the shortest day of the year, and Mr. Peary will be the favorite in the North Pole dispute.

The dawn of winter will disclose John Rockefeller with his toes Wigwagging with an upward thrust, And pieces of the Sugar Trust Disseminated here and there, While Uncle Samuel with his hair Awry in angry little puffs Is looking for his coat and cuffs.

The breath of Boreas will blow, and la, the soft and flakey snow will lay its mantle on the hill and look for cubby holes to fill. The furry colt will feel the fine on-come of Winter down his spine, the which, will make him buck and squeal and snap the cracker on his keel. The chilly dog will sniff the air and don his suit of heavy hair, and In his Igloo made of snow the blubbereating Eskimo will twinge with rheumatic and gout and wonder how the fight came out. The lusty calf will bawl and bah and burrow in the stack of%traw, and Winter, with its biting wind, will urge him inward from behind. The rabbit hunter hunter, red of face, will prosecute the thrilling chase, and the flying robbit, frightened daft, will run»llke Roosevelt were aft. The cost of living, plump and stout, Will dare the Christmas shopper out, And chase him headlong through the door And here and there around {he store; And every time he shall espy A present he would like to buy The swift pursuer, fell and gilm, Will knock his i>ins from under him And slap him smartly on the gills With seven pounds of household bills. At which the drums will sadly

beat and all the dollies fair and sweet will weap in concert, and the toys will make a thunder of a noiseThe melancholy horns will toot, and the little soldier in his suit will wave his trusty haversack and stab the tyrant in the back. We must have Christmas in these parts, no matter who it is that smarts or what the blooming tariff is, or any man desires for his. We’ve got to fill those empty socks no matter if the planet rocks, or if the plutocrats we rile go round barefooted for a while. We don’t mind being made the goat and wearing our old overcoat year in and out, and being spent, and sifting ashes for the rent; but when the holidays advace and Fatty Morgan hangs his pants upon the mantle, with the cuffs tied up with strings and stuffs, and tells the rest of us to git, by thunder, we won’t stand for it.

There will also be something doing in social and political phenomena. Congress will assemble at Washington on the sth, and an emergency session of the Standard Oil legal staff will begin at Cleveland on the Bth. Mr. Taft’s ultimate conclusions as to golf and other great issues will be read on the 6th, and Mr. Rockefeller’s annual message will he made public on the 9th. The insurgents will bivouac across the Potomac from the Capital, with Mr. La Follette in command, Mr. Cummins as scout and Mr. Beveridge as lookout. On the 21st we shall pass under the influence of the zodiacal sign of Capricornus the Goat. This will cause Mr. Taft, who is going for Rip Van* Winkle’s record, to turn over, and the consumer will be the goat. And then the new year will arrive To swell the sum of years; And the man from Elba will return To set us by the ears.