Jasper County Democrat, Volume 12, Number 48, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 29 September 1909 — GANDERBONES FORECAST [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

GANDERBONES FORECAST

October is from the Latin octo, meaning eight. That is, it is about eight times as pleasant as any other month in the year, and the Romans took this means of saying so. They were very fond of cracklings, and about hog-killing time Lucullus gave a crackling banquet at the Auditorium which made everybody’s mouth water before K. came off. Caesar said that cracklings made Rome the mistress of the world, and it was not until her soldiers began eating spaghetti and vermicelli that the Empire began to decay. The hunting season will resume upon the rippling lake, and the hunter will get out his gun and hide him in the brake; the festive duck will fly -about, and in the smoke and din a leaden pellett now and then penetrate his skin, until the quarry’s gravity is overcome with shot, and the sportsman nearest when he falls will clap it in the pot. The cider press will creak and wheeze and the sorghum pot will boil; the wind will whistle through the trees, and the frog will bore for oil; the haze of Fall will veil the sun, the days grow soft and short, the nimble colt will jump and run, the lambkin will cavort, the air will smell of smoking hams and applebutter butts, and the poor consumer will renew his strength with hazelnuts.

The Cookite and the Pearyite Will pull each other's nose, And both explorers will line up Their trusty Eskimos. The scientists will bite and scratch, Deciding which was prior, And we'll have to send for Roosevelt To find out who’s a liar. • It does seem terrible that he who always knows who’s lying should be away in Africa when all of us are dying to know the truth. A word from him would quickly satisfy us which one of them perhaps deserves the brand of Annias. A fig for all the specimens he is accumulating—he ought to be here on the job and duly separating the double-tongued ones from the rest and fulminating thunder as once he did lest we shall make a very stupid blunderHowever, let us all rejoice and give thanks in some manner that both men found the pole beneath our own Immortal banner, and that deciding which one wins is wholly our own doing, with nothing internatonal unfortunately brewing. It makes one shudder just to think if Peary, say, had found it with the flag and done a dance around it, he should return In triumph here to banquet and review it, and some dang foreigner popped up and claimed he’d beat us to it! We’d have to take it to The Hague, And failing to agree, We’d have to go in battleships And litter up the sea With one another’s property, And dye it with our blood In mortal combat till the one Or other’s name was Mud.

and meanwhile Mr. Taft will live upon a Pullman car and sfteak his pieces aft. He’ll range the bold insurgents up for their unthinking deeds, and bat them with reprimands away off in the weeds. He’ll call the shy consumer up, recalling all the squibs, and jocularly feel the fat upon that worthy’s ribs. And having shown us at some pains where we are at, he’ll disappear around the bend, wig-wagging with his hat. The football season will return, and the college men uplined will get their heads together with their heels kicked up behind. The valiant captain will exhort his grim and bloody crew, and the boys will butt until their brains are battered black and blue. The guard will catch the flying end upon his padded bib, the center rush will ram and sink the luckless floating rib, the human demijohns of noise will rise and pull their stoppers, and the teams will fight and roll around like suffragettes and coppers. The nuts will ripen, and the quail Will whistle in the glen, The prohibitionists will chase The brewers round again; The hunter’s moon will sail the skies, The days grow soft and tender, And the farmer will make faces at The cruel money lender. There won’t be any doubt about prosperity returning about the time the sassafras and the sumach get to burning upon the hill, and the farmer rolls between the fields of stubble, his hands upon the steer-ing-wheel of his brandnew autobubble, his back againt the leather seat, the goldenrod saluting, and now and then the dulcet horn melodiously tooting.

And then November will return, With Fall and Winter married, And the luckless turkey will be slain And decently cranberried. COLLEGEVILLE NEWS. In spite of the fact that a few boys have permitted a fit of homesickness to drive them to their old familiar haunts, the total number of students has been raised to 240. The general character of the student body is an excellent one, and the college has been very fortunate in receiving so large a number of gentlemanly, good boys. The C. L- S. held their first regular business meeting last Sunday. A large number of the old members were present and a large list of names of applications for admission were presented. A vote on these names, will be taken at the next meeting. This large membership will enable the Society to raise its present high standard of social, literary and dramatic work to a still higher degress of excellence. The instructions in the Parliamentary Law Class will again be conducted by Hon. E. P. Honan. On last Sunday Fathers A. Schuette and Kramer conducted the religious services. The sisters’ house is no longer under the sway of the carpenters’ saws and hammers, but in their place are the painters and varnishers putting on the last decorating touches. The lathe r s are busy bringing out the wonderful forms of the manifold arched ceiling of the church. That the front of a college is a rather inconvenient place to strand a new Ford was the experience lately made by an automobilist. If the good advice they gave him could have been whispered into the engine’s cold ear there would certainly have been no need of calling the garage for assistance. It Is a well-known fact that the college has always extended a cordial welcome to all visitors. This continues true. But to see a number of lassies, still in their early teens, strolling uncnaperoned about the college premises seeking occasion for flirting, is neither complimentary to themselves nor beneficial to local discipline. The guardians of the students here are determined that there shall be no more of it.