Jasper County Democrat, Volume 12, Number 25, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 June 1909 — GANDERBONES FORECAST [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

GANDERBONES FORECAST

FOR JULY. (Copyright 1909 by C. H. Reith.) Ten little patriots 10 Planted a mine 1 Under a billy goat; - Then there were. 9 Nine little patriots Gathered about 1 To see if a large Cannon cracker was out 8 Wholly undaunted, The balance were strong 1 To blow' up the iceman When he came a10ng........ 7 All the survivors Were perfectly bug 1 To see what some powder • Would do to a jug 6 Six little patriots. Game, for a’ that, 1 Tied a pinwheel To the tail of a cat 5 Five little patriots Overly skittish 1 Showed the grown folks What we did to the British. ... 4 Four little patriots Sought to determine, 1 If the Irish hold sizzers As long as a German 3 All the survivors Were fairly agog l To touch off a skyrocket Tied to a dog.. 2 Two little patriots, Vied, being boys, 1 To see who could make The most singular noise \ I One little shaver, The last to be nipped, 1 Lighted the fuse in his Cannon, and slipped. .. . ..... 0

July is the month of human progress. * As there can be no progress unless everybody is hot and mad, so it is to July that we must look for getting anywhere at all. “Heaven for climate, but hell for company,” Said the prophet. June forever, but July for growth, says your Uncle Ganderbone. The'ancients esteemed July above all the other months. To Rome it gave imperial Caesar, the fightinest man who ever lived. Marc Antony, who changed the name of the month from Quintilis to July, said that if Caesar had opened his eyes anywhere else on the calendar he probably would have been a mollycoddle and Rome would have had woman’s suffrage. The Celts, who have made fewer mistakes than any other race, made July the beginning of the year, and John Hancock, who was first to sign the Declaration of Independence, said that credit for the stampede to that historic revolt did not belong to him. but to the weather. ’

The lowly worm Will take a brace And slap the robin In the face; The liquor man Will utter cries And kipper half A dozen drys; The hot consumer, What with thrusts. And bio vs, will kill Himself some trusts, And the swimming pupil, Burned and red, Will chase his dad ArOund the shed. To all of which nobody much can make the least objection. We never shall get anywhere except in that direction. We never shall do anything to Aldrich and his tariff until the meek insurgents rise and take somebody’s hair off. We never shall reform a thing until we have a ruction in which we get our dander up and compass some destruction. And while most everything is out with a chip upon its shoulder, we wish that money would somehow become a little bolder. We’d like to have a dollar bill jump out upon and fright us, or a hundred dollars, we will say, come close enough to bite us. It’s been a good while now, too long, the common people find it, since money did not run on sight, with its tail jammed down behind it.

However, and be as it may, The tadpole in the bog Will thank whatever gods may be For making him a frog. The bobolink will dwell upon Such bllSs as we are in. And the sun will sail the summer skies With the perspiration in his eyes And dripping from his chin. Upon the Fourth, as patriots and patriots’ descendants, the usual burnt offerings are due to independence; and having shot each other up to our own satisfaction, and shown the foreigners at hapd Just how we look in action, we’ll pile the victims in » heap, unfurl the flag above it, and ask Japan and all the rest if they want any of it. > The chances that they will are scarcely worth elaboration. If we

could shoot like that ih only decent celebration of what some friends of liherty long laid upon the shelf, once did for us, what would we do for liberty itself? This will be about the last year that the Fourth of July will be observed to any great extent. Fireworks are already forbidden in many cities, and within another year the movement will probably have spread wherever parents desire to preserve their children. There is, in fact, a much better day in the month which can be observed without injury to anyone and to much better purpose. This is St. Swithin’s Day, which comes on the 15th. The object of St. Sw'ithin’s Day is a concerted prayer for rain, and if the prayer is answered it is supposed to rain daily for the next 40 days. Wherever St. Swithin’s has been observed in this country, it has already become a formidable rival of thd Fourth. Indeed, it is said that they do not compare for enthusiasm, which is not surprising, for as a rule what we really need in this country in July is rain, and not liberty at all. After the 22d the month wdl be under the influencee of Leo the Lion, the fifth sign of the zodiac, and a day or so later it will also come under the influence of Sirius the Dog, which begins rising with the sun and ushers in the Dog Days, While Leo the Lion, Sirius the Dog and Teddy the Bear are settling it among themselves, Congress and pretty nearly everything else will adjourn to its hole and occupy itself vith prayer and an occasional peek out. And then or thereabouts the month Of August will be due, And the wicked get a warning taste Of where they’re going to.