Jasper County Democrat, Volume 11, Number 85, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 31 March 1909 — GANDERBONES FORECATS [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

GANDERBONES FORECATS

FOR APRIL. (Copyright 1909, by C. H. Rleth.) The beasts of Uganda were beating retreat, and the slower were trying to stay with the fleet, when a lion came flying aside from the rear with his face mutilated and one shredded ear. “We thought,” said the beasts As they saw him arrive, “You stayed back to face him And eat him alive!” But the man-eater only Ran faster and whined, And now and then ventured A survey behind. “Well,” said the hippo, who' ran as he could, “did you pat him alive, as you boasted you would?” But the lion limped onward with never a word—at least anything that the rest of them hear. “I’ll bet,” said the rhino, “He bit off his head And left them to find him All bloody and dead!” Whereat they all laughed, And the great lion cried And licked at the gashes All over his hide. “I tfse how it happened,” the elephant said; “our brother was up in a tree overhead, and when he pounced on him, a stranger to fear, the cruel thorns tore him and shredded ear!” They all laughed again, And the lion, all red With blood, only shuddered And limped on ahead. “O, come,” they exclaimed As they followed with haste, “We know that you ate him, But how did he taste?”

The lion turned round at the top of a rise, and his whiskers were matted with tears from his eyes. “Don t taunt me,” he begged, “and i’ll tell you my woes.” And blood trickled off at the end of his nose. “We’ll do it!” they answered, And husky with grief And fear, he proceeded: “My story is brief. I did lay for Teddy, Intending my worst. And I jumped as I promised— But he bit me first.” The first day of April will be All Fool’s Day, and it will be celebrated much more elaborately this year than it has been In a long time. There are more fools than there used to be. They may be divided into three classes, viz: Common, or those who think the cost of living will ever go down again. Preferred, or those who thought prosperity wQuld return right after the presidential election. Dam, or those who thought Mr. Rockefeller would have to pay that $29,500,000 fine.

The rain will patter on the roof, and the colt will buck and dance, the tickled calf will shake his hoof and jubilantly prance, the robin will arise at morn and chase the festive worm, the schoolboy* will wish chickenpox would spread and end the term, the old fleas will breed other fleas upon the itching pup, and the dirt will fly with radishes and lettuce coming up. A fresh and sweeter oxygen will glorify the days, the sun will tempt the flowers with Its soft and vernal rays, the farmer will put in his corn, the ducks will lay again, the meadowlark will wake the morn with ravishing refrain, the native will moult all his wool and don his summer jeanß, and man will pasteurize his blood with sassafras and greens.

Cheer up, cheer up, it’s summertime, Or will be pretty soon. And yonder are the roses that Shall burgeon into Jane. The proud peacock will strut around And sprout another tall. The quail will tune his tuba up And whistle from a rail, And we shall scour our livers off With curly dock and kale. The revision of the tariff will continue without any of the excitement which attended the sessions of Congress when Mr. Roosevelt was President. Art, which was proven by the last crop of valentines to have accomplished nothing under protection, will be put upon the free list. A limited quantity of sugar and coffee will be admitted from the Philiplnes without duty. The idea is that extending this privielge to the people over there who are first to get tk«4r crops harvested we may be able to induce the lazy inhabitants of the archipelago to get a move on themselves. Our maxim is to be, “First come, first served, and the duty take the hindmost.” Easter will come on the 11th. It is too early to predict just what tbe

new hats will be like. From a few young ones we have seen the merry widow seems to have married a derby. The issue resembles neither parent. The milliners were determined to make something that would keep anyone from trimming h«r old hat over, and they did it. Primp, sisters, primp with care, Use your own and other hair, A white stuffed rat for a light fluffed hat, A well-draped rat for a bell-shaped hat, A small, lean rat for a tall green hat. Primp, sisters, primp with care, Primp for the coming Easter fair. April will be under the influence of Aries the Ram, which will restore the horn of plenty. Children born under Arles usually have rich parents, and get dogs, goldfish, parrots and Bill ’Possums for little brothers and sisters. And {hen T. R. will hit the east of Africa to hunt, and all the world will turn its gaze upon that valiant stunt. The lion will get in his lair, the elephant will pray, the hippopotamus will stow the little hips away, the rhino will betake himself to distant parts and hide, and the gnus and antelopes will crowd upon the other side. The mighty hunter will walk down the gangplank or his ship, and when he sets his foot ashore the continent will tip. The natives will kowtow and rub their bellies on the ground, the monkeys will despair and groan in all the jungle round, the guns and luggage will come off, the shells and patent tents, the beasts will fill tne forests with their moanings and laments, the tall girafe will watch afar and sound his shrill alarms, and the stork and Theodore will fall in one another’s arms. The promised fun will start at last, The packers will defile, The train will stretch across the plain Toward the distant Nile. The shouting and the tumult rise, The heavy rifles roar, And smoke will Overcast the sky And rivers run with gore. And then the month of May will come, and all the earth will doff its caps toward the throbbing East, where hell is popping off.