Jasper County Democrat, Volume 11, Number 77, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 27 February 1909 — GANDERBONES FORECAST [ARTICLE]

GANDERBONES FORECAST

FOR MARCH. When the last bear rug is loaded And the moving van heavily treads The ruts from the White House displaying Its burden of trophies and heads, We shall sigh—and gads, for good reason, AnU our eyes shall be heavy with tears, For there’ll never be anything like it In another ten thousand of years.

The gun-men shall walk by the wagons And utter their lusty boo-hobs. The stork shall despair, and the papers Shall grieve for the passing of news, The liars shall come from their burrows, The fakir shall stick out his head, And the milksop shall venture from hiding And come . out from under the bed.

And only the teachers shall teach us, And only the preacher shall preach, And no one shall mix it with evil, And none shall put into the breach, The tumult shall die and the shouting, The hip and the hurrah expire, And the gayety relished of nations Shall be one with Gomorrah and Tyre.

The winter shall end and the heavens shall smile with the beauty of spring. The bullfrog shall woo in the gloaming, and the robin shall merrily sing. The calf shall cavort in the pasture with bliss in the pitch of his tail, the lark shall awake in the morning and sing from the top of a rail, the wind shall disport with the washing and popple'the tails of the shirts, and the modester maids shall go walking with shot in the hems of their skirts.

T. R. shall sum up in the matter of what may remain to be done, and everyone under his orders shall work like a son-of-a-gun. A few parting shots at the Senate, a liar or two for the list, a round with the House for the rubber, a message or so in the grist—and then we shall rest, and shall need it, that seven years running have laughed, and where we have whooped we shall have an occasional cackle with Taft.

And meanwhile the fleet, having girdled the earth, our more provident men shall beg of the Slope not to bust us with having to gird it again. The Congress shall die, and another shall take up its burden of care, our Uncle Joe Cannon shall rivet his pantaloons into the chair, the Senate shall utter thanksgiving that Teddy has quit for a hunt, the glowing pink sideburns of Sherman shall ravish the view up in front, the danger of getting a spanking shall perish and pass out of mind, and Tillman shall pull out the pillow that he has been wearing behind.

The crocus shall wake, and the redbird Shall whistle tu-whee and tu-whit, The flicker shall drum on the cornice, And the cook shall give notice and quit, The wild duck shall fly, and the hunter Shall wade with his middle immersed, » The pleurisy, chills ana pneumonia Shall fight over who saw him first, And the calends of March shall remind us That a Ceasar was stabbed in the ides By a lot of Black Handers and Dagoes,

Confound their contemptible hides. | Alas, for the glory of Caesar—his notice was pinned on his door, and when he went out he encountered a dozen Black Handers or more. Said Brutus, “Da mundid you fatch eet? Said k Caesar, “No breenga da mun!” whereat by the statute of Pompey the terrible murder’ was done. ’ "The Black Hand forever!” they qhouted, and almost a whole grading crew fell on him with flashing stilettos and cut the great Caesar In two. Alas .for the fear of destruction that a life of exposure had caloused! Alas for the gourd-colored monkeys the vessels bring over as ballast! Alas for the mightiest figure occurring in history's span, but good for the fate w-hich condemns them forever to sell da banan! The fateful 15th having happened, and spring having burnished the dove according to all the traditions, the season shall open for love. The soulmate shall sigh for its fellow, the hardhit affinity groan, the common unclassified lover shall bawl to call someone his own, the young folks shall coo in the parlor and the cook and the cop at the rear, the ’ telephone wire shall pe busy with dialogues sweetened with dear, the love unresponding in winter shall strain as a furnace grown hot, and the widows shall pull hair and_ quarrel comparing what each other got. St. Patrick’s Day come in the mornin’ Shall give its accustomed parade, The Irish shall march in the city, And “Wearing the Green” shall be played, The shamrock shall wave and the story Of old be in everyone’s mouth, Albeit the Anti-Saloon League Has driven more snakes from the South Than ever were driven from Ireland— " . Except, we are bound to confess. The snakes that were driven from Ireland Were never returned by express. The spring equinox shall enliven the last of the month in a wayi but the total effect will be nothing to those of the Roosevelt sway. The lightning shall flash and the thunder shall give us a rumble or two, but they won’t scare us into the closet as Teddy’s were able to do. The weather, however, shall physic the impurities out of its blood, the sun shall resume with the blower and dry and caseharden the mud, the farmer shall put in his garden with seed that his Congressman sent, the thrush shall sit up in the treetop and announce that the winter has went, the roadbeds snail harden and stiffen, decreasing the number of wrecks, and people may travel a little without telescoping their necks.

The night of the sixth shall find Luna As perfectly round as a dish. And the zodiac sign shall be Pisces, Or commonly known as the Fish, The children born under its power Shall slave in the getting of wealth And later spend all they have hoarded Attempting to get back their health, Which latter, we’ve often concluded, And rise to remark now and then. As one who has thought of these matters, Is true of a whole lot of men.

And then we shall welcome sweet April, when Teddy shall bld us farewell and sail to give Africa’s lions a sample of his kind of h .