Jasper County Democrat, Volume 11, Number 70, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 3 February 1909 — GANDERBONE'S FORECAST [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

GANDERBONE'S FORECAST

FOR FEBRUARY. (Copyright 1909, by C. H. Reith.) February will be a very eventful month. In fact, it will be the last of the eventful months, for Mr. Roosevelt will leave the White House Mai eh 4, and after that we shall only occasionally hear from him, along with earthquakes, war ip the Balkans. Raisuli, the old and new husbands of the Gould money, and other cable news.

However, be that as it will. The groundhog will obey The impulse of prophetic gift Upon the second day. He’ll feel the vibrant sti¥ of spring Run up" and down his spine, Roll over like a hired man, Sit up and yawn and whine, Rub his knuckles in his eyes, Wind up his winter snooze, Put on his go-to-meetin’ clothes, And patent leather shoes, Ascend the stairway of his lair, Observe the sky'a while, And join the Ananias Club In fine and dandy style. And then the date of Lincoln’s birth will timorously dawn, and the wets and drys will show us whose line-up he stood upon. The drys will say he never drank, the wets will claim he did, they’ll show him standing 40 ways for Sunday on the lid, the women will parade and pray for H2O for men, and the breweries will sadly sigh for the good old times again. St. Valentine's Day will, come on the 14th. This will be the biggest day of the month, inasmuch as it will give the people who believe in protecting American art an opportunity to show us just what the tariff is doinfe for it. There will, of course, be a few of the hideous caricatures which everybody got when our native artists were compelled to compete with the cheap labor of Europe, but in the main the valentines will be a great improvement upon anything we have seen. After looking them over we shall be able to determine pretty well whether art, like the steel industry, is now quite able to take care of itself, or if it is still an infant and needs all the baby food that Uncle Joe Cannon can give it.

But while the symbol of a love That dieth hot nor fails And other kinds of valentines Are going through the mails, And almost everybody is On edge to take a shot At the coward who addressed to him The cruel one he got— While all of this is going on In lighter humor, still, You bet you bottom dollar that The Secret Service will Be on the job for Roosevelt And watchful to a man To see no ugly ones are sent At present to Japan On the second Wednesday in February the vote of the electoral college will be formally opened at the joint session of Congress, and it will be found that 321 votes were cast for Taft and Sherman and 162 for Bryan and Kern. Mr. Carnegie says figures prove nothing, but the recurrence of these will nevertheless prove a little embarrassing. Between St. Valentine's Day and Washington’s birthday there will be a lull enlivened from time to time by Carrie Nation in London Tower, newspaper editors sentenced to hard labor on the Panama Canal for gossiping about the Government, and the Duke of Abruzzi giving up all for Miss Elkins. The fleet will continue on its homeward way, making Spain, where there will be a tremendous ovation tendered it on Feb. 31. And then the day of days will come When everyone will try To honor most the name of him Who never told a lie— Who never wrote a nature fake, Or lied about a deal In timber lands, or called the sale In Panama a steal, Or represented Standard Oil Behind the country’s back, But always made a very stffcight And unsuspicious track. Widow waltz, the suave infernal liar will be welcomed for his faults, the artful liar will consign the truth to utter Hades, and the droll d — liar T. R. will take a cherry tree and drag it through the aisles of Congress till the country whoops and even Congress smiles; and having surfeited himself with amusing skit, he’ll center Tillman out and run him up and down a bit. At night the Ananals Club will burgeon with a ball and all the liars will disport and frolic in the hall. The cheerful liar will consort and mingle with the plain, the unpremeditated type will trip to the refrain, the wilful liar will essay the Merry

will delight the none too spueamiah ladies. The season for sifting the ashes ends on Ash Wednesday, Feb. 24. The supposition is that we can make ends meet in some other way during Lent, which immediately fallows. February was named for Februs an old Etruscan god with a,bad liver. Information of him is meager, but history calls him a holy terror, and he appears to have been a providential preparation of the earth for the subsequent occurrence of President Castro. The password for the month will be “possum.” Prosperity will return on the 28th. And then the ideas of March will come, Which long ago played hob And the fattest man we ever chose Will go upon his job.