Jasper County Democrat, Volume 11, Number 63, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 9 January 1909 — COW FEED FOR BUWSER [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

COW FEED FOR BUWSER

As Result of Deep Study He Determines to Lead Simple Life. BEGINS WITH RAW CARROTS. Dismayed by Mbs. Bowser's Injuno__Jliorr*rHo Prefers Death and Rsturns to Riotous Living Until Sleep Overtakes Him. [Copyright, ISOS, by T. C. McClure.] WHEN Mrs. Bowser welcomed Mr. Bowser home the other evening she thought she detected a subtle change in him, but just what it was she had not made out when they took seats at the dinner table. Before leaving home in the morning he had said that he would like roast beef for dinner, and this was a bit of culinary art that the cook was proud of. The appetizing object was placed convenient for him to carve, but he turned from ft and took from bis pocket a large carrot and handed It to the cook, with the remark:

“You may wash that in cold water, if you will, and return it to me." "What on earth are you doing with an old carrot at the dinner table?” demanded Mrs. Bowser in surprise and indignation. “Gently, my dear. During the day I have had time to think things over. The presence of that carrot is the result.” “Oh, you are going to turn vegetarian again?" “Not exactly. Mrs. Bowser, how have we been living for -the last fifteen years?” “The same as other people of our means.” “That may be, and yet we have been doing our best to kill our stomachs and shorten our Ilves. Neither one of us is much past the middle age. and yet we look and feel like people of seventy.” “You are speaking for yourself, Mr. Bowser,” she retorted as the carrot came back. "Like people of seventy and suffering with indigestion, rheumatism.

lumbago, flatulency, colic, lassitude, vertigo and a dozen other things. We are trying every day to kill ourselves off.” “Just because we have roast beef for dinner?” “Just because we go the pace instead of living the simple life.” “Bosh! Nonsense! So you’ve got back to that, have you? You tried it for half a day a year ago, and how’ did you come out?” “I may have made a failure of it a year ago,” he said as he began- to nibble at the carrot, “but I shan't this time. I had not then given the subject the thought it deserves. Yes, Mrs. Bowser, the simple life will be the life for me hereafter. You will not adopt it, of course. You will go on shortening your days and making fat fees for the doctors." “I haven’t had a doctor in ten years, and you know it. My health has been and is fine, and I don’t propose to wreck it by euting cow feed. Are you silly enough to think you can live on carrots?" There was an activity in her tones that at any other time would have brought themed to Mr. Bowser's face, but he had gone back to the simple life and must stand it. He gnawed and chewed and seemed to enjoy his vegetable, and after awhile he said: “A'dam didn't even have carrots, and “'he got along all right. Our forefathers lived mostly on roots, and no people were more hardy and healthy.” "Our forefathers didn’t do any such thing,” answered Mrs. Bowser. "They had meal and meat and vegetables. Even the Indians had those things when Columbus landed here. However, I’m not going to argue with you. Go ahead with raw carrots, parsnips, onions, turnips and all the rest. If you get cow colic don’t blame me. And if you are going back to the simple life take lit the whole of It. Cut out your claret and cigars as well as your roast beef. Adam didn’t smoke or drink wine." Will Cut Out Luxuries. “That's exactly what I shall do. I 'don’t propose to adopt any halfway measures. Have the great kindness to see that there are an onion or a turnip and a glass of water in the house for my breakfast. 1 do not see that there is any need of discussing the subject further at this time.” That ended It. Mrs. Bowser had said all she Intended to anyhow, and with malice aforethought she ate a

bigger dinner than she had eaten for .three months. She not only praised the coffee, the roast and the vegetables and dessert to the cook, but Insisted on lingering at the table long after Mr. Bowser had filled up on car rot and was thinking he would give 310 for a smoke. When they went up to the sitting room he walked about for five minutes and then observed: “I think I will run over to the drug store and ask Brown if he has seen any improvement in business since election.’’

“And I think you will stay right here,” was the answer. “You have adopted the simple life, and you can’t get out of the house to smoke a cigar. I want you to be a man of your word. The evening paper there will post you as to how business is going.” Mr. Bowser sat down. Then he got up and walked around again. Then be tried to become interested in the cat Then he read the paper for five minutes. •I suppose we go to bed at 8 o’clock?” queried Mrs. Bowser as she watched him out of the tall of her eye. "Who—what—why so?” “Adam probably went to roost at sundown, but history tells ns that our forefathers made the hour of 9 their bedtime. It is still so with the farmers—go to bed at 9 and get up at 5.” Mr. Bowser made no reply, but turned his face away to bide the lonesome look spreading over it “And another thing. Adam didn’t belong to any clubs. You belong to three, and they give suppers and have cigars and wine. You had best write out your resignation tonight. You can’t live a simple life and riot at clubs.” “But a man must have some society,” protested Mr. Bowser. "Adam had Eve, and you’ve got me. When night came our forefathers gathered around their own firesides and talked with each other. Had any of the husbands gone gadding around to clubs they would have been sent to the stocks.”

Begins to Be Restless. Mr. Bowser walked again. Then he sat down some more. The desire to smoke was becoming intense. He thought of that old carrot at the dinner table, and be felt a dizziness. He thought of tbe cold water he had imbibed in place of the claret and he shivered.

“Yes, you were right when you said we had been going the pace,” continued Mrs. Bowser without looking at him. “I am the sole owner and proprietor of as many as three pairs of fifty cent stockings, and you certainly have a half dozen pairs of socks. You also have seven or eight shirts, three or four suits of underwear, three pairs of shoes, two overcoats, three or four hats and at least three full suits of clothes. Adam got along without any of those things in living his simple life. You can’t do tbe same, but as a simple citizen you don’t need the half you have. I’ll overhaul your wardrobe in the morning and select out enough to stock up three tramps. You have gone into this thing, and you should be consistent. Adam walked when he went anywhere. You should quit paying street car fare. As a simple citizen you are expected to hoof it. You pay 30 cents a week to keep your shoes shined. Cut it out. Poor Adam had to even go barefooted. You have a pair of winter gloves that you paid $2 for. A fifty cent pair would have been more In keeping with the simple life. Only two weeks ago you paid 345 for a watch chain. Now that you have become a humble, simple citizen you will sell it and wear a piece of bark or leather across your vest. A week ago”— “Woman!” shouted Mr. Bowser as he sprang to his feet. “Well?” “Shut up! Not another word! I decide to return to the sjmple life. I come home with a carrot in my pocket. I explain that the simple life will add years to our stay on earth and happiness to our days, and you—you—you”— “Go on.” “You knock it all in the head! It Is knocked! It has vanished! On you is the fearful responsibility. I shall change back. Durn carrots! Durn (S>ld water! Durn the pace! Welcome roast beef and claret and cigars and death! I go to the dining room. I will eat and feast and gorge. I will drink a gallon of wine. I will smoke twenty cigars. Wretched woman, go to bed and come down in the morning and find my dead body on the floor! U-rr-r! 1 go!” > And it was 1 o'clock in the morning when Mrs. Bowser awoke sufficiently to realize that he had tumbled Into bed with a long drawn grunt of satis-

faction.

M. QUAD.

“ADAM WALKED WHEN HE WENT ANTWHERE.”