Jasper County Democrat, Volume 11, Number 60, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 December 1908 — GANDERNONE'S FORECAST [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

GANDERNONE'S FORECAST

The calendar will change with the usual wakes for the old year and greetings for the new. Most of us will immediately date our correspondence 1909, but forgetful people .like Mr. Archbold and Mr. Rockefeller will continue dating checks 1908. The old year will be little mourned by Democrats and coldly greeted by lions. It will find the peace tribunal at. The Hague closed and the house staff attending the wars in Venzuela, Hayti, Washington and Mrs. Nation’s address in Scotland. The end of Leap Year will provoke Few bachelor regrets, And the stork will step up like a man And pay his baby bets. The Roosevelt regime will make Its plans to go a-gunning, And lions, hippos and giraffes Will practice up at running.

The Romans tried to make March the first month of the year, but after about half of the Irish had frozen to death trying to march on the 17th, Numa rearranged the calendar as a merciful concession to that valuable colony. January was one of the months devised for that occasion. It was named for Janus, whom the Roman’s called “the porter of Heaven.” He opened and closed Heaven, kept it nicely dusted, made up the berths, and whenever he caught a man in there who was not keeping his newspaper subscription paid up, he chased him into the smoker.

No other month is so appropriately named as this,* for Janus was regarded by the ancients as the beginning and the end of all things. He is famous for having had a second face on the back of his head, and resembled Mr. Harriman coming and Mr. Laytson going. His temple at Rome was historic. When the empire was at war its gates were thrown open, and in peace they were closed. This continued until the time of Augustus, who is said by Prof. Ferrero to have been the prototype of Mr. Roosevelt. At. any rate, Augustus cast the gates of the temple into the Tiber and made it a prison fer liars, mollycoddles, couples without children, editors, congressmen, nature fakers, rich malefactors, religious bigots, reactionaires and undesirable citizens.

The row between the President And .Congress will become ‘ The hottest things since David smashed i Goliath’s cerebrum. The outraged House will paw the earth, The Senate will get flip, The President will rub his fist Against its upper lip, The air will be a mass of tur, And ripping expletives, And the timid Congressmen will run From there to where he lives. The air will pulsate with the rush of bitter verbal shot, the sport* will bet on whether Ted will take it back or not, the old men will get on the roof and utter their defies, the President will show his teeth and bulletin the lies, a special message now and then will heighten the hub-bub, and a dozen men a day will join the Ananias Club. The Congressmen will blister Ted, And he will soak them back, The Senate will put in a punch And get a counter smack. They’ll : ,aay some ugly things to him, And he. will bawl them out, - The dignity of government

Will dance, ki-yl and shout, The old Potomac will become A ragaing sea of foam, The public servant’s family Will beg him to come home, The shlndee will divert the world By reason of Its heat, An.d Loeb will let It run a while, And then send for the fleet. After that we will have Taft weather, with cooler relations at Washington. Cabinet selections will be announced on Tuesdays and Fridays. The rich will go to the winter resorts, and eggs will go to 40c. The new sign of the Zodiac will be Aquarius, the water carrier, whose Influence will begin on the 20th. This will enable any one who has kept on the water wagon from the Ist to remain permanently seated. Persons born under Aquarius vote dry. They have had memories and rise to confidential positions with trusts. They are also very knowing, but they don’t know when prosperity will return. Thenmoon will be full on the 6th and Mercury will become evening star on the 28th. Mr. Rockefeller will reach his Southernmost declination on the 20th, when he will turn up at Atlanta, Ga., for the midwinter golf solstice. Golf takes his mind off the danger of the oil giving out. The Wrights will temporarily give way to the price of butter, which will stay up until spring. The favorite sport of the month will be piehunting. Mrs. Nation will carry the war into London and will show the suffragettes how to get locked up in the Tower. Our absent fleet will make Suez, Continuing its bum, And things in Africa will think That Roosevelt has come. There’ll be a stampede to the South, And many trembling lips Will pass the word that he’s arrived With sixteen battleships. And then brief February of the groundhog will be due, and we’ll discover pretty quick If he’s a liar, too.