Jasper County Democrat, Volume 11, Number 51, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 28 November 1908 — GANDERBONE'S FORECAST [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

GANDERBONE'S FORECAST

FOR DECEMBER. (Copyright 1908, by C. H. Rieth.) Save, save with care, A nickel here and a nickel there— A two-bit piece will fill the turn Of some small celebrant with gum, Nigger-toes, peanuts, bum-bum, Apples, raisins, lemon drops, Popcorn, suckers, caramels, Filberts, taffy, butterscotch. Walnuts, figs and angel cake— Save for the Christmas belly-ache. Save, brothers, save your dough, Save for the stockings in a row— A four-bit piece will buy a sled, A pair of boots upholstered red, A doll with skull grass on her head, A Teddy bear, a horn, a drum. An airgun, jack-knife, pair of skates, Magic lantern, doll house, game A box of soldiers made of tin— Save for the Christmas morning din.

Save, brothers, save for keeps, Save for the night nobody sleeps— A six-bit piece will buy a book, A piece of cat fur for the cook, A picture for the empty nook, A box of holiday cigars, A hatpin, slippers, pair of mitts, A dozen handkerchiefs, a shirt, A piece of neckwear new and strange— Save for the annual exchange. December was the tenth month in the old Roman year, and gets its name from the Latin decern (10). But what with forest fires in the middle of autumn, the Roman Fire Department had no time to put out Christmas trees, and when Numa’s own palace burned he rearranged the calendar and moved Christmas along to a time when the firemen had nothing else on.

The frisky calf will sniff thd morn and merrily cavort, and the frost will nip him where his scant upholstering is short. The boys Will flock to Sunday school with fine religious fire, the hired man will hang aronnd unworthy of his hire, the warning goose will hnrry south on, frantic wings a-rustle, with winter urging him along where Cora wore the bustle.

The melancholy days will come, and Boreas will roar; the wolf will thrust his muzzle through the keyhole In the door. He’ll whiff the scent of bacon bought at 30 cents a pound, and plain potatoes by the box with tissue wrapped around; and every time we chase him off and bid him to his den, the trusts will pump his stomach out and sic him on again.

The water pipes will all explode And give the house a jar; The plumber’s chauffeur will get out The throbbing racing car; But while relief is on the way To plug the gushing spout. The car will have a hemorrhage And blow its innards out.

The unemancipated wife will quit her coxy bed and build the fire the while her lord pretends that he is dead. She’ll wrap herself up in her hair and shiver in the dawn, and chop the kindling, hustle coal and turn the damper on; and while she freezes till she turns the' hue of a persimmon, the scientists will wonder why the men outlive the women.

Milady's winter suit will cost A fifty-dollar note, But man will face the blizzard in The same old overcoat. The cook will gasoline the fire, And the choir, in sweet accord, Will sing on Sunday at the house, "O, I am coming, Lord!”

On the 21st the sun will enter Capricorn, and the winter solstice will occur. This will cause the trusts to spawn, and the yule tide will come in. Solstice is from sol (the sun) and sistere (to stand). Thus, having touched its turning point south of the equator, the sun temporarly stands still. This was where Joshua held it up, from which we have our word josh. Anybody can do it. At any rate, the 21st will be the shortest day of the year, and we shall pass under the influence of Capricorn, the Goat. This is the tenth sign cf the zodiac. It was represented on the ancient monuments as an old man with the body of a goat, which signifies that during Christmas season father is the goat. The Christmas shopper’s Marathon Will happen as of yore. And the little savings bank will chase' The present round the store. The unleashed dollar will pursue The frightened Teddy Bear, The crowd will trample on the clekrs And pull each other’s hair; The young and old will pull and push And mill around and butt, And Santa Claus in terror will Take to the tall uncut And then the fateful Christmas Eve will come with the wintry weather, and Morgan will hang npH

his shirt with both tails pinned together; and anything by way of luck that manages to miss its yawning neck we’re welcome to, O joy and double bliss!

The happy kids will rise at morn With rapture at the bat And get down twenty-seven steps With turn in nothing flat. The tickled heart of youth will dance And sing its wondrous luck, The cautious boy will climb the flue To see if any stuck. The house will oscillate with joy, The breakfast will be late, And old John D. will get the earth For thirty winters straight.

Mr. Roosevelt will give a big game dinner at the White House Christmas day. All the big lion hunters of the world will attend, and there will be a roaring contest, with favors. The pass word for the month is supplied by the Kaiser William. Mum Is the word. The moon will be full on the 7th, and there will be bad weather around 26 Broadway every day but Sunday.

The mistletoe will tempt the maid Beneath the chandelier, The loving swain will halt and start Betwixt his love and fear, And then dash in with beating heart And chew her blushing ear. The birthstone for December is the onyx. This is because children are onyxpected at a time when the stork has to make his deliveries in a fireless cooker. Then Leap Year will have run its course With little to its merit, And the spinster who has missed her chance Will have to buy a parrot.