Jasper County Democrat, Volume 11, Number 35, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 3 October 1908 — GANDERBONES FORECAST [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

GANDERBONES FORECAST

FOR OCTOBER. (Copyright 1908, by C. H. Rteth.) Now, Taft was enjoying An aeroplane flight. And skimming around Like the man-swallow Wright, When Who should appear, Holding fast to his hat And sailing the sky, But the man from the Platte. Said fat Bill to Platte Bill, “Now, isn’t this great?” Said Bryan, “You bet— Is my rudder on straight?” And the wind coming up With a slight show of bluster, They both skidded off Through the air belly buster. And while they were flying About a mile high, The Roosevelt entry Emitted a cry; And Bryan, supposing He’d dropped from the race, Slowed up with a horrified Look on his face. But Taft was just floating—“My motor’s gone out! Now, hand me a match When you next come about!” But Bryan just laughed, And he said, “My dear speeder, Remember that I Am the great matchless leader.”

October is from the latin octo, meaning eight. It was the eighth month of the old Roman calendar. This brought oysters In at the end of August, when they had to be candled like eggs, and the Oyßter Trust always cornered the supply in cold storage. But Rome, like every other nation, had a reformer not too often for reasonable profits in business, and when Numa Pompilius came into power in 713 B. C. he made October the tenth month and busted the Oyster Trust. He was idolized by a grateful populace, and was only relinguished to private life In his latter days that he might gratify his desire to hunt big game in Africa. The presidential race will reach Three quarters of a mile, And both the Bills will hit it up In good old-fashioned style. The Platte will shake his big brogans And put up dust and dirt, The giant Taft will grunt and sweat And rip his undershirt. The plaudits of the multitude WJII rise in mighty peals. And the watchful Teddy Bear will nip At William Howard’s heel. The pink mudguards of Sunny Jim will catch the frost descending, and turn a fine autumnal red, with the burning sumac blending; the frost will thin out Mr. Kern’s elaborate chin thicket, and each of these hair-bearing tails will go some on his ticket. The frost will paint the sassafrass a deep and glowing red, and the farm hand will resume his howl for blankets on his bed. The plant exuded phosphorus will gossamer the air, the stiff rheumatic will put on his wind-proof underwear, the southward moving ducks will quack upon the reeded lakes, and man will line himself insiffe. with buttered flannel cakes. <

The women will parade beneath the big sky-scraper hats, and guy lines strung to steady them will anchor in their rats; and every time the wind blows *brisk, with many screams and squeals, they’ll all turn turtle and will fan the azure with their heels. The camper will unto the woods To live the life of Crusoe. And the quail will balance on a rail And whistle like Caruso. The poor hay fever patient will return from his retreat, and every time his nose goes off and bonks upon the street, we’ll scramble for the nearest curb as fast as we can dart, believing that his lusty sneeze is some skldoodle cart. The candidate will press his suit and tell his little jokes while he is handing out cigars they name for famous folks; and notwithstanding all the harm this sort of smoke has done us, we’ll all waltz up again and try his deadly Mrs. Gunness. After the 26th October will be under the influence of the zodiacal sign Scorpio the crustacean. Persons born in Scorpio are lobsters, and are mostly actors and biuse ball players. They have remarkable foresight. Among other things, they can tell when the hired girl is going to quit, and awlays give her notice first. The armoured football player will cavort In padded pants and butt to beat a billy goat while frenzied thousands dance. He’ll cut the foe with glass hid in his Paderewski mop, and when they pile on sacks he’ll do a war dance on the tob. The college men will all get up and yell like Kingdom Come, the college girls will swallow six or seven gobs of gum, the autumn sun will be obscured by colors, horns and hats, the catapulting'end will cave the other follow’d slats, the giant centers will collide like two excursion trains, the guards will paw the earth and scramble one another’s brains; and when the ambulance drives up, with great

vociferation the howling mob will give three cheers for higher education. The first frost ripened hickory nuts Will rattle to the ground, And local option will put on The blower all around. The hunter’s moon will sail the sky, The bee will duck the clover, And the other Wright in France will knock The Eiffel Tower over. Tjie flower for October is the hop. This signifies that the fates are against prohibition in one month of the year, anyway. Our gad-abouting fleet will throw a scare into Japan, and shell the Chinese coast until they tell the age of Ann; and old John Rockefeller will observe October nine, with a big barn dance at Forest Hill and unfermented wine, the third month since he’s had to make a payment on that fine. And then November 3rd will come. When all of us shall vote, And one of these two Bills will have To be the Billy Goat.