Jasper County Democrat, Volume 11, Number 27, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 August 1908 — GANDERBONE’S AUGUST FORECAST [ARTICLE]

GANDERBONE’S AUGUST FORECAST

(Copyright 1908, by C. H. Rleth.) It was August the third, And quite soft were the skies, And it might be imagined Bill Taft was likewise; Yet he played it that day upon Bryan In a way politicians despise. While they met on the train, As all candidates will, And they wagered a dinner In test of their skill— The winner to make the best pun on The homely cognomen of Bill. “I suppose,” Bryan said, Stirring ice 1* his tea, “That in view of the times, As between you and me, The smaller the bill is the better, To which any one will agree.” “Very clever,” said Taft, “Here is mine: I’ve a hunch, You are not very strong, (And he gave him a punch) For they don’t like a long overdue bill!” And the peerless One paid for the lunch.

August was named for Augustus Caesar, nephew and adopted son of Julius. Augustus was every bit as .great a man, but his uncle had a oetter press bureau. When the Black Hand got Julius, his nephew was but 19; but he had already worn the toga virillis and shot a bear. Mark Antony tried to get him out of the way by making him a sort of vice-president but after Augustus had beaten him 5 up and 2 to play on the green at Modena the big drawing card of the Roman Chautauqua was glad to marry the young man’s sister and be a kind

of Nick Longworth around the Reman White House. “’' The Augustan age was the glory of Rome. Like Mr. Roosevelt, Augustus showed fight all the time, and the empire enjoyed peace. There were no reformers, and the time* were good. The emperor liberally patronized literature, and even wrote verses hlmtelf. Poets like Horace and Virgil had their own enameled gold chariots with liveried alligator bait on the job behind, and Instead of having the cruel circus games of Nero, the populace met in the collisium and wrote limericks for prizes. It is said that Augustus found Rome a city of brick, and left it a city of marble. He was a very proud man, and in order to make his month as long as they took a day from February and added it to August, which origlnaaly had but thirty. Augustus deserves to be better known, and it is not hi* fault that he is not. He tried everything from divorce to race suicide. He had three wives and one child, a daughter Julia. He beat Antony and Cleopatra 9 to 0 in the famous engagement at Actium, enough in itself to have left his name upon a ten cent cigar; but he stood about the same chance against the luster of his immortal uncle as Miss Ethel Roosevelt stands to share the limelight with her sister Alice.

The dog days will return to paint The pound like Erin’s isle, And the boys will navigate the scum In good sea-going style; Reform will dig a few more pits For brewers and distillers, And the office seeker pass around His bum alfalfa fillers. The bullfrog will essay his lay along the winding creek, and the dude will bite the summer girl upon her damask cheek; thp sun will burn the festive tramp clear through his under shirt, and Carrie Nation will give tongue, and kick up sod and dirt, the while her ladyship pursues the new dlrectolre skirt. The candidate will buzz around before the voter’s door, and all the babies will get kissed and snuggled up some more; the mother will say, “Ain’t he nice!” with every kiss and hug, but the father will declare he is a dem old kissing bug. The Anna-mosity which Prince Helie de Sagan and Count Boni de Castellane bear one another will cool a little, and about the 10th they will get together and shoot dice for the Gould children. The fleet will continue to banquet across the Pacific by easy stages, and upon reaching Manila, the stomachs of the officers will be put in dry dock and scraped.

The baby calf will try his legs In meadows soft as silk, And when he bawls his loving dam Will rush the mother’s milk; And meanwhile she will smile to think, With many modest blushes, How Moses could have ever lived In nothing but bullrushes.

After the 21st, August will be under the zodiacal sign of virgo. This will make chatauqua crowds restless, and outdoor orators will have to follow them around through the woods and talk to them when they will stand. It will also cause Mr. Rockefeller to get busy on that story of his life he is going to write for one of the national monthlies, and monopoly will get so nervous it will have to have a trained nurse and take nourishment through a funnel. Mr. Roosevelt will meanwhile call a special meeting of the Cabinet at Sagamore Hill, and will issue a proclamation declaring that the best way to catch lions is to set up a sand selve on the desert, shovel the sand in, and take the lions out of the seive.

Persons born under Virgo have domestic tastes, and know how to hold-a baby. They are very bright, and know what the presldental issue is. They are sanguine in temperament, and believe the worst is over. They abuse their stomachs, and will eat anything that doesn’t bite them first.

The presidential campaign will be confined to a few social functions. On the 19th Mr. Roosevelt will give a lawn fete at Qyster Bay in honor of “Sunny Jim” Sherman’s whiskers, and the guests will be given an opportunity to hear the sea breeze blow through them. On the 26th Mr. Bryan will give a corn-silk party at Fairview, in honor of his running mate, Mr. Kern. Everybody will wear corn-silk whiskers, and a year’s subscription to the Commoner will be given the guest wearing the best duplicate of Mr. Kern’s. The planet Mars will be evening star until the 22nd, and the moon will be full on the lltb, the Anti-Saloon League willing. And then September will return With autumn breezes cool, And the tearful boy will cuss hi* luci? • And hipper back to school. ’ > Be sure and see those swell suits at our store for nearly half what they previously sold for. DUVALL e LUNDY.