Jasper County Democrat, Volume 10, Number 24, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 September 1907 — PILGRIM JOE TALKS, [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

PILGRIM JOE TALKS,

Makes Things Clear For Those Who, Patronize Him. IMPOSTORS GIVEN A WARNING Are Told Not' to Use His Name—His Moving Pictures Do Move and Are a Success—Speaks of Napoleon Crossing the Alps. CCopJ-right, 1907. by M. M. Cunningham.] As my outfit is being confounded with Buffalo Bill’s Wild West show’, the theatrical trust and the side show exhibiting the wild girl from Borneo, I wish to make things clear to the public who patronize me. I am the original and only Pilgrim Joe. Any one else taking my name Is a base impostor. I invented the fifteen minute corn cure. You take one minute to rub it on and fourteen more to wonder where the corn went to. I Invented the Pilgrim Joe hair grower. It is not for the human head, but for straw beds and mattresses. Two applications makes a hair mattress out of a Btraw bed. Three appli-

"tot; SEE NAPOLEON CBOBBING THE ALPS.” cations grow hair on an old rug or rag carpet and make Persian prayer rugs of them. I Invented Pilgrim Joe’s admirable alternative. Eat two dozen green apples and one dose will cure any case of colic you may have. The alternative is to die If you don’t keep it handy in the house. One tablespoonful of my alternative dissolved in hot water will make the family washing look whiter than snow. I invented Pilgrim Joe’s Pain Alleviator, the greatest thing of the kind known to the world. It has saved ten million people from the grave during tlie last fifteen years and thus prevented a trust in cemetery lots. Kings take it. Emperors cry for it. Czars will have no other.

Instills Ambition. I travel over the country sorrering with the sorrowful aud lifting up the downtrodden and despairing. I instill ambition and renew hope. I peel off the old hide and grow a new one. I take tintypes at 10 cents a take. I carry a grasshopper in a'bottle to show the world that even the most ferocious animal can be tamed by kindness. I have a fighting dog under the wagon, and the old hoss that draws my wagon can make a mile in 2:40 on the track. * My latest and perhaps most interesting exhibition is a number of moving pictures that do move. After the sale of my medicines on the public square I open my picture exhibition and give a lecture explaining things. There are no bucking bronchos. There are no Indians nor buffaloes. There is no stage robbery. There is no theatrical performance. It is simply my show and no one else’s, and the public should not get things mixed up. I was a leading theatrical man years ago, but finding that I was expected to marry and get a divorce at least twice a year I gave it up.

In my moving pictures I show General Washington at Valley Forge. He is suffering with hunger. He moves over to the cupboard and gnaws a bone. He moves back to the fireplace and gnaws a sassafras root. He is seen sighing and shaking his bead. The audience eak see that he despairs of American liberty. One bowl of oatmeal and milk would win independence; but, alas, It Is not there. As this picture finally moves along out of sight thete 1b not a dry eye in the hall. Men have offered me $5 If I would feed the general up and let him go ahead and lick the British, but I have refused. I stick rigidly to the historical in presenting my pictures. I show Louis XVI. on the scaffold. He is walking back and forth and wondering whether he had better die or not. He muses. He ponders. He finally decides that as the revolutionists have gone to so much trouble to get things ready he will not disappoint them. He nods to the executioner to do his duty and takes' his place oa the plank and has his head cut off. This picture is so realistic that husbands and wives go home and dispute on the quantity of blood shed. Ton see Napoleon at Waterloo. For a time his countenance wears a benign expression, and you can fairly read his thoughts. He is going to lie? the English and then forgive them if they Won’t do so' any more. .Then he seems to be puzzled, the same as a mao who finds four aces in his hand

and suspects the other teller has a straight flash. Then there is a Startled look, followed by one that plainly says he has bitten off more than he can chaw and guesses he will go home and play with his Teddy bear, You see him on the skate, and he isn’t stopping farmers to ask after the statq of the buckwheat crop. You see Shakespeare at home. He isn’t writing any of his tragedies, but is out in the field and on the move. The artist caught him just as he was looking for the eggs of the meadow lark in the grass. He finds some; also some bumblebees. Every audience has the highest respect for Shakespeare, but when he takes a skip over the nearest fence and plunges into the blackberry bushes the laughter cannot be restrained. Most people are surprised to find that the bumblebee was known so long ago and that his ways were the same as now. The Battle of Gettysburg. The battle of Gettysburg is shown in nil its ferocity. Generals Meade, Hancock, Sheridan and others are shown on their rearing steeds, and thousands of old veterans can pick out the very spot where they stood. I point out and name the various generals, but there is one figure that I do not have to name. It is the central one. The fate of the battle seems to depend upon him, and ills attitude shows that he means to win or die. As soon as the audience sees this figure there is a mighty shout of “Pilgrim Joe! Pilgrim Joe!” aud it is sometimes five minutes before I can proceed with my lecture. The great Chicago fire is always a great hit. There are acres aud acres of flames aud thousands and thousands of people fleeing In terror. One fleeing man has just thrown away one dozen bottles of Pilgrim Joe's Tain Alleviator, and as the audience becomes aware of the fact a groan of despair resounds through the hall. The wall of fire advances until those on the front seats begin to move back, and then it is gone. I may add that the dozen bottles were never recovered. You see Caesar and Brutus meet Caesar knows that Brutus has got It in for him, but he acts as if they were twin brothers and the best of friends. The audience knows that Brutus Is planning assassination, but they hope be has left his dagger behind. The two men move here and there, apparently talking about the jump in wheat and at a proper moment Brutus pulls the dagger and strikes home. Caesar looks astonished and stands around for a minute and then concludes to die. A district messenger boy comes in and hands Brutus a telegram from his mother-in-law, and after a long look at the corpse at his feet he goes out. Nothing could be more lifelike. Napoleon Crossing the Alps. You see Napoleon crossing the AlpsIt snows. It blows. There are mountains 2.000 feet high for his horse to jump over, but he is a blue ribbon jumper from the Madison Square Garden horse show, and he takes everything that comes along. You see the great Napoleon looking for the euemy; also for a hot Scotch. He moves onward to new glories aud new victories, and you can just imagine that macaroni will be cheap when he gets over into % Italy and has a chance at the army. 1 have not mentioned more than half of my moving pictures, but from what I have described you can see what a feast of reason awaits you. Purchasers of my medicines are not entitled to free admission to the show. Each stands on its own merits, and each is worth double the price asked. Wait for me. Take no other. There is nothing “just as good” and the critter who tries to make you believe it is a hoss thief and a liar. The original and only Pilgrim Joe. Preceded by no brass band, but by a wave of enthusiasm. Yaller handbills will notify you of when I am to pass your farm or reach your house, and don’t confound me with any traveling circus that simply seeks your cash.

M. QUAD.