Jasper County Democrat, Volume 10, Number 16, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 20 July 1907 — THE PERKINS FAMILY [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

THE PERKINS FAMILY

Why They Are Not Going to the Seashore This Summer. —T ! REASONS GALORE IN DIARY. Hubby Refers to It When Wifey Demands an Explanation—Calls Him Meanest Man In Europe, Asia, Africa or America. [Copyright, 1907, by M. M. Cunningham.] Mr. Perkins had taken a seat on the veranda after dinner to smoke a cigar and be reasonably thankful that he was alive, and he was just enjoying the reddest kind of a sunset when Mrs. Perkins joined him with a certain oiliness of countenance that put him on his guard at once. She was sly and suave and smooth as“she talked about bugs and mosquitoes and peach blos-

some, and when she thought he had put hfß foot in the trap she suddenly said: “Mr. Perkins, I will need about a hundred dollars next week if I am to get ready for the seashore.” “You think of going to the seashore, do yon?” he replied after a moment. “Certainly. That has been understood ever since last December.” “Um! Um!” “I can be all ready in about two weeks from now. Have you written to any of the places to see about board?” “No, not quite. That is, not exactly.” “But you will right away tomorrow? We can’t run the chances of the hotels being full.” “What is this idea you have got into your head, Mrs. Perkins?” he asked as he turned on her. “What! What! Do you w’ant to make out that our going to the seashore Is some new idea and that this is the first time you have beard of it?” /“Something might have been said two or three years ago, but I supposed It had been given up long ago.” “Last December is not two or three years ago, and you know it. One night last December you said we should go to the seashore this summer even if we bad to mortgage the household furniture. It was the night you had a touch of colic after getting to bed. You are not going to have the cheek to tell me you have forgotten ter His Inevitable Dairy. Mr. Perkins slowly and calmly carried his hand to his breast pocket and drew forth the inevitable diary and consulted it with puckered brow, carefully watched by Mrs. Perkins. “Yes, I find something about it here,” he said when he had found the right page. “Under date of Dec. 19 I find the following entry. “ ‘Raining, snowing and blowing. Durn such a climate! I’d like to get out of it for good. I have a sore throat, and Mrs. P. has a cough that may result in consumption. I have just promised her that we will go to the seashore next summer. O. T. A.’ ” “There, didn't I tell you!” exclaimed Mrs. Perkins. “You did, my love—you. did. Yes, on the night of the 19th of last December I promised you that we would go to the seashore this summer, but you observe the letters ‘C. T. A.’ after the promise. They stand for ’consult the authorities,’ and I have done so. In fact, I have been consulting the authorities for the last three months.” “Is—is this some scheme to wriggle out of your promise? Do you intend to dodge and twist and bring up what you call your philosophy? If you do, then let me tell you that I won’t stand it for a minute—not a minute. When you make a promise and write it down, that ought to lie enough for a man of honor.” “Mrs. Perkins,” he calmly continued, “when I met you I had been a widower Tor three long years. J had made my own bed, cooked my own meals and patched my own trousers. I hardly dared hope when I met you that you would fall In love with me and make me happy again, but you did. I appreciate the deed. I shall always appreciate it. If I should lose you, life would no longer be worth the living. There isn’t one chance in a thousand that I could marry No. 3.”. * “That’s it—bring in that. I’m your second wife. Don’t never miss a chance to do that. But what has that got to do with our going to the seashore?" Consulted Authorities. “Everything, my dear. That's why I put ‘C. T. A.’ after the memoranda. I have consulted the authorities In regard to you. You weigh 180 pounds, and you get away with a square meal.

( but what of that noble and tender heart of yours—what of your heart? You are an inland bird, and you have been flying from tree to tree and hopping from twig to twig, far from the ocean’s roar. How would it be if you were' suddenly rushed down to Atlantic City and to a> salt atmosphere? Would It benefit or harm you? Could that loving heart of yours stand the strain? This was one of the things I had to consult the authorities about,' and it was well that I did. I have also been saving newspaper clippings since the first of the year.” “That is, you have been trying to find some exebse to break your promise. Go ahead. I can see that you are going to twist out of it.” “My dear Mrs. Perklnfc, let me read you a record, and if you then desire to jeopardize your life I shall have nothing to say. “Dr. Barnes says that a sudden change of climate from fresh to salt is almost sure to produce death from heart ailment. “Dr. Smith says that he has known of 100 cases where fat women going to Atlantic City have died within twentyfour hours of heart trouble. “Dr. Hines says that salt air striking an inland person all of a sudden is as bad as a bullet. “Dr. Blissfield kept track of cases along the Atlantic coast last season and has a record of 440 fat women who died in their beds on the very first night after their arrival. They were not stricken dead by the high charges of the hotels, but their hearts went back ort them. "There is the Record, Mrs. Perkins, and what am I to do? Am I to rush you down to the seashore and have you dead on my hands, or am I to keep you inland and have your company and your love for many years to come?” "Those doctors are fools, and you know it!" snapped Mrs. Perkins in reply. “And there are other things,” continued Mr. Perkins without taking note of her‘exclamation. "As I said a few minutes ago, you weigh 180 pounds. You can no longer sit.on my lap without my knees giving way. You are still a sylph, but w*hat effect is the salty atmosphere going to have on you? Will it relegate you back to a skeleton, or will you Increase to 250 pounds and make it impossible for me to squeeze you through the door of an ordinary room? That’s a thing to be thought of. Would Change Her Disposition. “Again, changing climates changes dispositions. We are like cooing doves here. We may get down to the seashore to fairly hate each other. Seventeen different doctors say this may be the case. I do not wish to be guilty of your murder, my love, and I do not want to wake up and find that you have cut my windpipe. “Another thing. You hair is thin and faded. You are obliged to dye it. The facts are not against you In the slightest, as Marie Antoinette had to do thesame thing. But here is the kernel. Thirty different doctors certify that in such cases the woman who goes to the seashore comes home with straw colored hair and terrible headaches and while suffering from the latter are often driven to suicide. Suppose I were to come home from the office some day and find you hanging from our only peach tree! Could I ever eat peaches from it again? These are things for you to think of, my dear Mrs. Perkins, to sit up and think of in the most serious manner. When you have thought of them we wiM reopen the subject and see what conclusions we can arrive at.” “Never, sir!” said Mrs. Perkins as she rose up with red cheeks and flashing eyes. "You mean”— “I mean that you are the meanest husband in Europe, Asia, Africa or America!”. “Well,” said Mr. Perkins to himself after she had disappeared into the house. "I have done my part, and now if she wants to expire in the ryst terrible agonies she must assume all the risks. That is. we will go down the river for a day’s fishing if it won’t cost over 75 cents for bait and all.” M. QUAD.

DREW FORTH THE INEVITABLE DIARY.