Jasper County Democrat, Volume 9, Number 15, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 July 1906 — STEAMSHIP ENGAGEMENTS [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

STEAMSHIP ENGAGEMENTS

By C. B. LEWIS

It may have been that in the hurry and confusion of getting away from London the parser of the steamship Bramble got things mixed up. He knew that he had among the passengers no less than tjiree fond American mammas who had been trailing over Europe with marriageable daughters and were coming home with disappointed looks, and he hoped to give one of them a last chance. However it happened, It was known among the passengers even before the Bramble left her dock that a great man was on board. It was Mr. Julius Smithers of the Chicago beef trust, •nd his fortune was variously estimated at from ten to fifty million dollars. There were men who at first denied that Smithers was a member of the trust. They could name over every packer who had ever been mentioned In the papers, and the name of Smithers didn’t figure in the list. They were about to denounce him as an impostor When a red beaded man suggested that Smithers might have come into the trust on a merger of some sort. There were mergers merging all the time, and what if the beef trust and the tombstone tryst had consolidated their Interests? -The thing was as good as settled In an hour. Mr. Smithers was a man of forty. He was rather rotund and bald beaded. He had just the faintest tncli-

nation to be flashy. Mr. Smithers waa very democratic for a man worth untold millions. He made acquaintance* rapidly, and the steamer had not made a hundred miles to the westward when he started a game of poker in the smoking room and had for companions a drummer, a cattleman, a ward politician and the Inventor of the sausage stuffing machine. He was given a seat at the captain’s table. It was afterward said that thia waa a mistake and

that he bad taken tbe place assigned to a bishop. If he hadn’t been worth millions upon millions his table manners would have been open to criticism. There was much to overlook in Mr. Julius Smithers or there would have been under any other circumstances. He was about the only one who didn’t know' it, and he was happy. Within forty-eight hours those mammas were laying wires. If they had failed to pick up a lord, a duke or count abroad it wasn’t such a bad thing to fall back on one of the "its” of the beef trust. Mr. Smithers could not only restore the family beefsteaks to tbe old time prices, but be had millions to spend in castles, yachts and diamonds. These mammas had male friends aboard, who were instructed to obtain information about Smithers. He met them halfway and more. “Say, you take my word for it, It’s going to be tbe biggest success of anything for the last ten years,’’ was his sanguine reply. “You’ll hear all about it within a month after we land. Money in it? Well, I guess yes. I expect to make bonfires of fifty-dollar bills.” He was talking about the merger, of course. His replies were reported to the waiting mammas, and they were Introduced. The said introductions came about in a careless way, as if by mere accident. The mammas found him hearty and jovial In his speech. He didn't always follow the rules of grammar, and he sometimes caught himself just in time to bite off a cuss word, but a man may be forgiven much if be can draw his check for several millions. It was decided in all three cases that Mr. Smithers would do as a member of the family. When be became a son-in-law they could polish him up a bit and gradually reduce the size of his two watch chains and his diamond pin. Then the daughters were introduced. This was also carelessly accomplished —that is, while Mr. Smithers was making Intervals between his poker games in order to get a breath of ocean air he kvould suddenly find some one in his path and be compelled to pause and be Introduced. He wasn’t a man with a grain of suspicion in his composition, and he was the soul of good nature. He gave up his poker to sit down and make himself agreeable to Miss Blank. “You may have heard of the beef trust: ns his way cr starring off the conversation. “It’s going to l>e the biggest thing the United-States ever beard of. My, but that was a great thought of mine, and I can’t help but feel rather swelled up over it! No more bust-ups; no more walking the railroad tracks for Julius Smithers. Esq.” The girls elevated their eyebrows in surprise and perplexity. They had never heard any merger talk before, and it was as Greek to them They reported to their respective mammas that Mr. Smithers didn’t get Into college the day he called, that his ways were rather familiar, that he evidently hadn’t attended over a thousand high teas and grand receptions and that It would take a carload of sandpaper to rub him down, but he had a good heart as a foundation to build on. If his conversation wasn’t exactly up to the notch the windup was intended to draw applause. He always finished by saying: “I shall now have to ask you to excuse me, but I will see you again. In fact, I want to see you again. I think I can figure it out before we arrive at Sandy Hook to offer you the best thing of the season, but keep that to yourself.” “Mamma, what did he mean n by that?” asked the respective daughters of their respective mothers. “Why, child, how silly you are!” was the reply. “What could be mean but one thing?” “But we have known him such a little while.” “You haven’t got to know a millionaire over a day or two. They are different from other men. They have the cash.” There were men aboard looking to get into a good thing on the ground floor. They knew that the beef trust

was a good thing. They threw out hints to Mr. Smithers, but he laughed and shook his head and replied: “Not yet, my boy. I’ve got the dough to start it off, and I want all the plunks there are in it. See me next season.” “Will beef go up?” “Thunder, no! We expect to knock the price down to 15 cents a pound.” “Then how will you make your millions out of It?" Mr. Smithers didn’t make any direct answer. He simply winked a long, quivering wink with his left eye and conveyed the impression that there was a coon up the tree. The merger man enjoyed the sunshine of flattery and envy and toadyism for five or six days. Then Sandy Hook was sighted one morning, and he announced to the three scheming mammas that he wanted to hold converse with their three daughters. It was to be private converse. There was agitation. There was perturbation. There were consultations. Mr. Smithers selected a corner of the music room, and to that spot the victims were led In turn. The conversation was about the same In each instance. “My dear girl," began Mr. Smithers, with paternal blandness, “I told you I had a good thing on hand and would try to arrange to make you an offer. I am about to do so. You have never had any experience on the stage, but you are a mighty gdod looker.” “Sir!” demanded the maiden as she retreated a step. “Oh, I shan’t ask you to dress unbecomingly. It's just a plain, straight play called ‘The Beef Trust’ and showing how that corporation by raising tbe prices parted two happy lovers and brought grief and death to other households. Three corking acts and a cast of twelve people. We Introduce a drove of cattle, a slaughter house and a butcher shop among other spectacular effects. Will move right along without a hitch. Papers are bound to give it free columns of advertising. I can put you in the east at S3O per to begin on. What do you say?” None of the three said anything—not to Mr. Smithers. Ten minutes after the last Interview a murmur swept over the great steamer. That was followed by a growl. After the growl came cries of “Kill him! Throw him overboard!’’ There was a rush of feet along the decks, but Mr. Smithers was pulled into the purser’s room and saved from total wreckage, and when the steamer reached her dock the captain lent him a pair of false red whiskers to disguise himself and escape the mob.

“I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN. IN FACT, I WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN."