Jasper County Democrat, Volume 9, Number 15, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 July 1906 — SILAS HUMBLE [ARTICLE]

SILAS HUMBLE

As I was drivin’ ever the dusty road which leads to the town of Busted Hopes au’ reflectin’ as I driv’ that goodness alius pays at least So cents on the dollar, I met a-feller pilgrim with a one boss outfit. He was also in the show bizness. He was a-showin’ of a trick hog an’ sellin' a cure for sunstrokes an’ frost bites. When we had greeted each other with that cordiality which is alius obsarved among the profeshun, he winks at me au’ sez: “A combination of mishunary an’ show bizness wouldn't be bad. A trick hog an' a panoramy would bring out ail classes, sayin’ uuthin’ of the other curiosities.’’ “Art thy object the elevashun of mankind?” sez I.

“Not so much as to ketch suckers,** sez he, with cheerful frankness. “I wish thee well, but hogs do not elevate. I will continue my labors single handed.” His language to me as I driv’ onward was not tinctured with respect. Bein’ as we was both in the show bizness I felt a fraternal feelin’ fur him, an’ yit a showman who is actuated by sordid motives alone should not be allowed to live out his career. When I driv’ onward ag'in I found myself sayin’ sich say in's as: “Varehew is its own reward.” “Integrity never skips a cog.” “Be upright an’ you won’t be hung ” “True modesty alius gives the other feller the fust chance.” I hev ag’in added to the colleckshun, makin’ up my grand aggregashqn of dead an' livin' wonders an’ call attenshun as toilers: One stuff owl in placid repose (dead). One stuff prairie dog in ditto (dead). One Oklahoma hornet (alive). The hornet an’ a bumblebee hev bin placed in the same cage together, an* the innercent amusement they will git out of tacklin’ each other will please an’ Interest the tender hearted children. Before my show opened at Busted Hopes the mayor cum Into that tent to satisfy hisself that there was nothin’ to degrade the morals of the community. He found nuthln’, an’ be growed brotherly an’ slapped me on the back an’ winked his eye an’ sez: "The h'ar of the dog Is food fur Lis bite.”

“As to which dog?” sez I. “As to any dog.” sez he, with another wink. Then I pondered an’ reflected an’ brung out the gallon jug in which 1 keep a liquid to ward off sunstrokes an’ cyclones. It was what he most desired, an’ he dallied long an’ uttered sighs of satisfaction. When he could dally no longer he put down the jug an’ said: “But fur the clouds of today we

would not appreciate the sunshine us tomorrer.” y “An’ but fur adversity we would not know happiness," sez I. “If natur’ had made bobtailed coons, thar would hev bln no rabbits,” sez he. An’ we winked an’ laughed an’ poked each other. I’rev’us to the openin’ of the show I made a pathetic speech regardin’ my liver regulator, an’ the sales footed up twenty-two bottles. I was keerful to recommend it fur the liver only, an’ sich persons as bought it to cure consumption did so at their own risk an’ must not hold me responsible. I had skassly begun to unwind mjl panoramy an’ start on my interestin’ lector’ when a critter rose up in the cultivated audience an’ sez: “Stranger, mought I ax you a question without fear of bein’ shot at?" “Ye mought,” sez I. “Then I would like to know yer objeck in showin’ this show?’ “TO boost up an’ elevate the moral standin’ of all human critters,” sez I. “Then it’s a sort of mishunary work?’ sez he. “She be. The small charge fur admlshun is only to buy boss feed an’ postage stamps.” _ “That teches my heart,” sez he. “I’ve bin feelln’ a wave of goodness wavin’ over me ever sence I read your signs on the outside of the tent, an’ now my emoshuns hev filled my eyes with tears.” An’ as I went ahead his tears fell, an’ he wept, an’ the mayor blmeby got up an’ said he’d passed through some tryin’ scenes in his life, but nuthin’ like this had ever softened him up so much before. By the time I showed the plctur’ of Noah loadin’ up his ark half the people were in tears, an’ I was so affected myself that my voice almost failed me. Things was goln’ beautifully when an ole kuss rlz up on one of the back seats,an’ yells: “I ain’t seen no mewl in that perceshun an’ I want ye to gin him a show.”

“The mewl’s back thar behind the camels,” sez I. “Mebbe he ar’ an’ mebbe he's bin left to drown,” sez he. “If he’s thar, trot him in ahead of the camel. If he’s bin throwed down on account of his ears, I’m fur raisin’ a row right off.”

I tried to soothe him, an’ the mayor wanted to be brotherly, but he was sot in his ways an’ had to be flung out. This brung on a free fight an’ busted up the show, but I escaped all damage an’ fell to say sich sayin’s as: “Prosperity an' varchew alius roost on the same limb.” “Integrity takes in sl7 at the door while vice is chucked out of a hole In the canvas.” “If Noah didn’t know his business, the undersigned at least knows his.” An’ I packed up an’ flitted, an’ as I flit my conscience was hilarious an’ my soul at peace. SILAS HUMBLE, General Showman and Philosopher. —Newark Advertiser.