Jasper County Democrat, Volume 6, Number 49, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 12 March 1904 — BIOGRAPHIES WANTED [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

BIOGRAPHIES WANTED

By CYRUS DERICKSON

* ...Copyright, 1908, by T. C. McClure... * The Be bee Settlement was so called because so many farmers of that name, and all related, had settled there. It was at peace with all mankind and the farmers hoeing their corn when something like a cloudburst happened. A stranger arrived at the bouse of Silas Be bet; and sat down to a boiled dinner with him and afterward held a long and Interesting conversation. Mr. Graves, as the stranger gave bis name, was one of the partners in a big publishing house which made a specialty of publishing the biographies of the old and eminent families of America. The name of Be bee, as be had discovered by long and patient research, dated back to the year 900 and had been borne by princes, dukes, counts, barons, poets and soldiers. Wbat Mr. Graves wanted was to bring the Be bee biography down to Silas and let the world know that the family was still on tap and as eminent as In days of yore. He wanted to fill at least ten pages of the gilt backed book he was getting out with the sayings and doings of Silas, while the eleventh page should be taken up with a full length portrait of the sturdy old farmer. The biography and the portrait would be free, but in order to cover the cost of the glue and the stitching Silas would have to come down with $25 In cash. “I don’t think I’ll trade,” was the reply when the caller had stated his case. Mr. Graves seemed to have prepared himself for just such an answer, and he turned away with:

“Very well, Mr. Bebee. As you are the most prominent of the family, I naturally came to you first, but as you don’t care for the honors I shall go to Reuben. I think he will jump at the opportunity, being as he wants to be elected county supervisor next year. Good day, Mr. Bebee.” There wasn’t a feeling of brotherly love between Silas and Reuben. Both wanted to “run things,” and naturally that brought about a clash. Silas had some thoughts of running for county supervisor himself, and It was news to him and news he did not like that Reuben was planning to mix In. He did some rapid thinking. Mr. Graves had not climbed into his buggy when he was called back and a bargain conclud-

ed. The rest of the afternoon and all the evening were spent In listening to Silas Bebee’s history, covering a period of some fifty-six years. Mr. Graves made copious notes and nodded his bead from time to time, and all went well with the story. Bedtime had come, and Silas had given in sufficient matter for his ten pages when his wife, who had all along been doing a heap of thinking, rose and inquired: “Silas, am I to be left out of this thing as if I didn’t amount to shucks? If I haven’t helped you to be the biggest toad in the puddle, who has?” “They never say. anything in books about big women, do they?” he asked of Mr. Graves. “Well, very seldom,” was the reply. “I believe they have mentioned Cleopatra and one or two others, but those were excepUonal cases. Still, as your wife says”— The result was that Mrs. Silas Be bee was given three pages and a portrait In the book, all for the sum of $8 cash in advance, and the clock had struck midnight before she got through telling how often she had had rheumatism, hysterics and bronchitis and how many yards of rag carpet and barrels of soft soap she had made during her married life. There was a son in the family named Joe. He had nothing to say that evening, but he got up next morning to claim his rights. As the son of Bebee and the biggest Be bee of them all, he wanted to be known of men, and it was finally decided that be should have two pages and a portrait for $5. It was dog cheap, and Mr. Graves would lose money on it; but he had started out to see the Bebee family through and must do it even if he went broke. It took him three days to get through with the family, during which he had free board and lodgings as a matter of course, and then he beaded for the house of Reuben. It was understood that he must call there to ask Reuben his exact age, but he moat not go beyond that Reuben was

in the cornfield with his hoe, and he leaned against the fence and heard what the publisher bad to say and then replied: ••By gum, but I always knowed Silas Bebee was a sneak, and now it's proved! He wants folks to think he’s the big Bebee, does be? Wants the world to believe that all the other Bebees stand around and look at him with their mouths open? Waal, I’ll bust up bis little circus for him!” Mr. Graves had struck a good thing, and he was the man to push 1L Reuben wanted more pages than Silas had. His sons wanted to spread out in a liberal manner, and Mr. Graves fixed matters to suit them and himself. He had free board and lodgings for four days and departed with cash enough to buy a fur lined overcoat for the next winter. In honor bound, as he informed Reuben, be must call ou Salathiel Bebee, but only to make sure whether his grandfather was bitten by a mad dog In the state of Ohio or Michigan. He called. Salatbiel was uprooting the pigweeds which had crept into his garden, and when Mr. Graves had explained the biography business to him he straightened up and said: “You kin pass right on. I ain’t buyin’ no gold bricks today.” But Mr. Graves didn’t pass. He showed the contracts entered into with Silas and Reuben, and he added the remark that it was too bad there were only two eminent families of Bebees. Then Salathlel struck the trunk of a cherry tree with his fist and exclaimed:

“By John Rodgers, but the Idea of them Bebees passin’ themselves off the smartest and best in America! They do know how to farm, and I won’t go for to deny it, but as for bein’ big guns they ain't knee high. I’m no hand to brag, but If I don’t lay over Sile and Reube every day In the week then you kin kick me clear across the barnyard.” The rest was easy, of course. There were Salathlel, his wife and two sons and two daughters, and all had to go into that book regardless of space or cost Mr. Graves was not an impetuous man, and he took his time writing out his notes and managed to get five days’ free board and lodgings. Then he departed to “work” Moses, Abraham, Joab, Peter, Paul and several other Bebees, securing victims in each and every family and in one instance taking in everything from the grandmother down to the Infant in the cradle. He put in a full month at his work, and he had the best beds and the best meals. After his coming the Bebees no longer neighbored, and they passed each other with their heads held high and their noses turned up. In one or two cases the young men came to blows, and lawsuits were started over old matters. Things were edging along toward a grievous state of affairs when Mr. Graves and his notes and his money departed, and three days later a detective arrived in search of him and exposed him as a swindler. The Bebees didn’t want to and couldn't believe it at first, but the evidence submitted was too strong for them to stand against, and after a due amount of weeping and wailing and swearing a meeting of all the families was held, and It was unanimously “Resolved, That while the Bebees date back to the year 900 this year saw the whole dura caboodle making fools of themselves without reason or excuse, and we won’t do it again.”

“BY GUM, I ALWAYS KNEW SILAS BEBEE WAS A SNEAK.”