Jasper County Democrat, Volume 6, Number 8, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 May 1903 — WE’RE GONERS ANYWAY. [ARTICLE]

WE’RE GONERS ANYWAY.

Drink water and get typhoid. Drink milk and get tuberculosis. Drink whiskey and get the jimjams. Eat soap and get Bright’s disease. Eat meat and encourage apoplexy. Eat oysters and acquire tavemia. Eat vegetables and weaken the system. Eat dessert and take to paresis. Smoke cigarettes and die early. Smoke cigars and get catarrh. Drink coffee and obtain nervous prostration. Drink wine and get the font. In order to be entirely ealthy one must eat nothing, drink nothing, smoke nothing, and even before breathing one should see that tbe air is properly sterilized.